This is my last post here at A Radical Life in Christ. I've begun my missionary training and am excited to launch a new blog, At the Master's feet. I cannot express how grateful I am for this opportunity, nor how overwhelmed and impressed I already am by the holiness and zeal of my missionary brothers and sisters. I couldn't be happier anywhere else. Tonight we were officially welcomed into the FOCUS family, and even though I've only in training for two days now, I already feel at home.
Thanks be to God for His wondrous gifts!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Taking my first steps
Great is our God, and worthy of all praise! Mighty and wonderful are His works!
Yesterday Matt introduced me to a man named Tom, who I quickly learned is a well-read and eager apologist. He talked on an on about the history of the first and second canon as well as other common topics of debate. He seems particularly interested in bringing unity to Catholic and non-Catholic Christians, but he also spoke of atheism, Judaism, and Islam. He knows dates and historical religious figures and can quote Scripture verses to support his arguments. Clearly, I was impressed.
I left there thinking about my future work and my limited knowledge of Church history. Yes, I know or at least am familiar with the very basics, but this is not enough. I am entering a minefield -- I need ammunition and protection. But how would I know what books to start with? What should I read that will give me the best overall understanding and knowledge base? How difficult would it be to commit all those facts to memory? And where would I find the time?
This morning after Mass, I stayed and prayed for a while. An organist arrived and began practicing "Alleluia, Alleluia, Give Thanks" -- one of my favorites. I was singing joyfully and leaving the church when I saw Tom coming after me.
He asked me about my mission and became very serious, telling me that I'm right on the firing line. I do realize this, and it frightens me but I know my God is with me. Tom told me that I need to start reading more, which of course is true. He began mentioning titles of books and support organizations and assured me that he's more than willing to supply me with whatever he can.
Towards the end of our conversation, Tom said to me, "You're the future of this church." Although he may have been referring to the universal Church and the new evangelization, he gave a small nod in the direction of St. John's. This gives me hope, especially since I briefly mentioned parish talks to Fr. Farmer, and his response was "Maybe you'll come talk here." I would love that more than I can say. When I first (selfishly) considered that possibility, it was because I know this community would give generously. But now it is more because I feel such a strong tie to St. John's, to the clergy and staff here, and to the families that give life to the church. I certainly hope I may return here to be a witness for Christ and the good work He is accomplishing through FOCUS.
If this is to be my life as a missionary, I am ready to begin! I am energized by discussions of the Faith, I love to hear what Christ has done in people's lives, and I want so dearly to share His love with others. He will not abandon any of His children, so I have every confidence that this is only the beginning of a great adventure. Just as Matt has brought me to Mrs. Walsh, Dr. Campbell, and now Tom, I know that FOCUS will lead me to many others.
O Jesus, I thank You for everything, for every good gift comes from You.
Yesterday Matt introduced me to a man named Tom, who I quickly learned is a well-read and eager apologist. He talked on an on about the history of the first and second canon as well as other common topics of debate. He seems particularly interested in bringing unity to Catholic and non-Catholic Christians, but he also spoke of atheism, Judaism, and Islam. He knows dates and historical religious figures and can quote Scripture verses to support his arguments. Clearly, I was impressed.
I left there thinking about my future work and my limited knowledge of Church history. Yes, I know or at least am familiar with the very basics, but this is not enough. I am entering a minefield -- I need ammunition and protection. But how would I know what books to start with? What should I read that will give me the best overall understanding and knowledge base? How difficult would it be to commit all those facts to memory? And where would I find the time?
This morning after Mass, I stayed and prayed for a while. An organist arrived and began practicing "Alleluia, Alleluia, Give Thanks" -- one of my favorites. I was singing joyfully and leaving the church when I saw Tom coming after me.
He asked me about my mission and became very serious, telling me that I'm right on the firing line. I do realize this, and it frightens me but I know my God is with me. Tom told me that I need to start reading more, which of course is true. He began mentioning titles of books and support organizations and assured me that he's more than willing to supply me with whatever he can.
Towards the end of our conversation, Tom said to me, "You're the future of this church." Although he may have been referring to the universal Church and the new evangelization, he gave a small nod in the direction of St. John's. This gives me hope, especially since I briefly mentioned parish talks to Fr. Farmer, and his response was "Maybe you'll come talk here." I would love that more than I can say. When I first (selfishly) considered that possibility, it was because I know this community would give generously. But now it is more because I feel such a strong tie to St. John's, to the clergy and staff here, and to the families that give life to the church. I certainly hope I may return here to be a witness for Christ and the good work He is accomplishing through FOCUS.
If this is to be my life as a missionary, I am ready to begin! I am energized by discussions of the Faith, I love to hear what Christ has done in people's lives, and I want so dearly to share His love with others. He will not abandon any of His children, so I have every confidence that this is only the beginning of a great adventure. Just as Matt has brought me to Mrs. Walsh, Dr. Campbell, and now Tom, I know that FOCUS will lead me to many others.
O Jesus, I thank You for everything, for every good gift comes from You.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Have no fear
Thoughts from yesterday:
Blessed Pope John Paul II, in his first words as pope, exhorted all Catholics to "Be not afraid!" These are the words I've been contemplating this morning. Even though I woke up early for confession and the earliest Sunday Mass, even though I've been productive in washing laundry and going for a brief jog, even though most people would glance at my life and assume that all is in order, I still fear the unknown and the transition from past to future. But how will the next few weeks and months be any different from the rest of my life? I place every day in the hands of the Lord, the Master of my existence. Each day is a new gift from Him and a chance to follow His will and minister to His people.
"I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?"
Blessed Pope John Paul II, in his first words as pope, exhorted all Catholics to "Be not afraid!" These are the words I've been contemplating this morning. Even though I woke up early for confession and the earliest Sunday Mass, even though I've been productive in washing laundry and going for a brief jog, even though most people would glance at my life and assume that all is in order, I still fear the unknown and the transition from past to future. But how will the next few weeks and months be any different from the rest of my life? I place every day in the hands of the Lord, the Master of my existence. Each day is a new gift from Him and a chance to follow His will and minister to His people.
"I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?"
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Jesus, You are my joy
...and I, too, am Your joy.
So writes Fr. Jean C. J. d'Elbee in his book I Believe in Love. This is something that has changed my way of thinking about myself, my soul, my loving Father, and my relationship with God.
This morning after Mass, I went to breakfast and coffee with Mrs. Walsh and Dr. Campbell. We talked for hours - most of the time I spent just listening, absorbing all their knowledge and wisdom of spirituality, evangelism, and our culture. Dr. Campbell is such a joyous soul and has the tendency to laugh quite often, whereas Mrs. Walsh more frequently has a knowing smile, one that warms you and makes you realize how much she truly cares.
Afterwards, I sat with Mrs. Walsh in her car and discussed temperaments, joy, participation and cooperation with God's will, discernment of spirits, and trust. When we finally came around to it, I brought up the topic of scrupulosity. Her words really surprised me - "It is a gift." I immediately retorted, "No, it's not!" But she insisted that this is indeed a gift, although we must choose to view it as such. She said that many of the great saints were scrupulous: St. Therese and St. Gertrude, and I listed St. Alphonsus Liguori and St. Ignatius Loyola. She told me, for example, of St. Gertrude's great awareness and prompt response to the movement of the Holy Spirit. Of course I recognize that this cross is one which can be used for good, as a sacrifice for others.
The temptation to be scrupulous should be combatted by pouring our hearts into trusting God. Jesus, I trust in You! Making the act of faith is another tactic. Recognizing that we merit and deserve to go to hell, but only by God's grace are we saved. We can do nothing but hope in His mercy and grace.
My favorite analogy that she made was that I am a flower whose only job is "to be." I cannot provide for myself. It is not my responsibility to find food or sunshine. It is acceptable for me to expect that my loving Father will provide me with all my needs. Never once in my childhood did I worry about whether my dad would go to work. In the same way, I must become like a child before God and trust in Him completely, without reservation.
God allows me to be just one piece of the puzzle in the spiritual lives of others. If He allowed us to do all the work or to see the merits of our actions, we would be prideful. He moves each person from A to Z, but we only take part in a small portion of that journey.
Finally, Mrs. Walsh reminded me of God's great and unequivocal love - that He chose me from the beginning of time, that He handpicked my parents and the era in which I would live, that He selected my gifts and knew what would make me both smile and cry. That He loved me when I was a sinner just as much as He loves me today. That I can do nothing to increase that love because I am already receiving it in the full.
Indeed, in every moment God is loving me into existence. And that alone brings me great joy.
So writes Fr. Jean C. J. d'Elbee in his book I Believe in Love. This is something that has changed my way of thinking about myself, my soul, my loving Father, and my relationship with God.
This morning after Mass, I went to breakfast and coffee with Mrs. Walsh and Dr. Campbell. We talked for hours - most of the time I spent just listening, absorbing all their knowledge and wisdom of spirituality, evangelism, and our culture. Dr. Campbell is such a joyous soul and has the tendency to laugh quite often, whereas Mrs. Walsh more frequently has a knowing smile, one that warms you and makes you realize how much she truly cares.
Afterwards, I sat with Mrs. Walsh in her car and discussed temperaments, joy, participation and cooperation with God's will, discernment of spirits, and trust. When we finally came around to it, I brought up the topic of scrupulosity. Her words really surprised me - "It is a gift." I immediately retorted, "No, it's not!" But she insisted that this is indeed a gift, although we must choose to view it as such. She said that many of the great saints were scrupulous: St. Therese and St. Gertrude, and I listed St. Alphonsus Liguori and St. Ignatius Loyola. She told me, for example, of St. Gertrude's great awareness and prompt response to the movement of the Holy Spirit. Of course I recognize that this cross is one which can be used for good, as a sacrifice for others.
The temptation to be scrupulous should be combatted by pouring our hearts into trusting God. Jesus, I trust in You! Making the act of faith is another tactic. Recognizing that we merit and deserve to go to hell, but only by God's grace are we saved. We can do nothing but hope in His mercy and grace.
My favorite analogy that she made was that I am a flower whose only job is "to be." I cannot provide for myself. It is not my responsibility to find food or sunshine. It is acceptable for me to expect that my loving Father will provide me with all my needs. Never once in my childhood did I worry about whether my dad would go to work. In the same way, I must become like a child before God and trust in Him completely, without reservation.
God allows me to be just one piece of the puzzle in the spiritual lives of others. If He allowed us to do all the work or to see the merits of our actions, we would be prideful. He moves each person from A to Z, but we only take part in a small portion of that journey.
Finally, Mrs. Walsh reminded me of God's great and unequivocal love - that He chose me from the beginning of time, that He handpicked my parents and the era in which I would live, that He selected my gifts and knew what would make me both smile and cry. That He loved me when I was a sinner just as much as He loves me today. That I can do nothing to increase that love because I am already receiving it in the full.
Indeed, in every moment God is loving me into existence. And that alone brings me great joy.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Lord of the day
One of my favorite songs is Lord of All Hopefulness. I find myself singing it quite often, and by now I've memorized all the verses, although I still have trouble keeping all the adjectives straight. :)
What I love most about this song is that it reminds me how God is present - and needed - in every moment of the day. We should call on Him for everything and recognize that He will help us to grow in virtues particular to each task we face. Similarly, every part of the day is blessed, whether we are waking, working, returning home, or sleeping. We have only to surrender our entire lives to the care and protection of our Lord. How great is His love for us!
What I love most about this song is that it reminds me how God is present - and needed - in every moment of the day. We should call on Him for everything and recognize that He will help us to grow in virtues particular to each task we face. Similarly, every part of the day is blessed, whether we are waking, working, returning home, or sleeping. We have only to surrender our entire lives to the care and protection of our Lord. How great is His love for us!
Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy,
whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy,
be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,
your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day.
whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy,
be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,
your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day.
Lord of all eagerness, Lord of all faith,
whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe,
be there at our labours, and give us, we pray.
your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.
whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe,
be there at our labours, and give us, we pray.
your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.
Lord of all kindliness, Lord of all grace,
your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace,
be there at our homing, and give us, we pray,
your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.
your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace,
be there at our homing, and give us, we pray,
your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.
Lord of all gentleness, Lord of all calm,
whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm,
be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray.
your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.
whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm,
be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray.
your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Not alone
I have a confession to make.
I struggle with scrupulosity.
At first I thought my obsessions, hangups, fears, and anxieties were normal. I soon realized, though, that I was different from most other people, including most good Catholics, and there was no way I could explain my scruples to them. Not even to my parents, who I love and trust to a fault. No one would understand my seemingly meaningless and unfounded worries. My fear of confession grew ever stronger, but I would still make myself go every so often. Sometimes I thought it might be easier if I confessed every week, but this would have been too much for me.
Thank God for a few amazing confessors I have had over the past several years. My scrupulosity has become more manageable, though to the outsider my habits and thinking patterns would probably still appear very odd. I found this last night, and it has made all the difference. My mouth dropped open as I read through it -- it was as though the author was inside my head and describing my own life! For the first time, I know that I am not alone. While I don't think I'll take any action in the immediate future, I am aware that pastoral counseling is an option if my struggles worsen.
I am grateful to Leila at Little Catholic Bubble for her post on this topic, where I found the link to the Ten Commandments for the scrupulous.
St. Alphonsus Liguori, pray for us!
I struggle with scrupulosity.
At first I thought my obsessions, hangups, fears, and anxieties were normal. I soon realized, though, that I was different from most other people, including most good Catholics, and there was no way I could explain my scruples to them. Not even to my parents, who I love and trust to a fault. No one would understand my seemingly meaningless and unfounded worries. My fear of confession grew ever stronger, but I would still make myself go every so often. Sometimes I thought it might be easier if I confessed every week, but this would have been too much for me.
Thank God for a few amazing confessors I have had over the past several years. My scrupulosity has become more manageable, though to the outsider my habits and thinking patterns would probably still appear very odd. I found this last night, and it has made all the difference. My mouth dropped open as I read through it -- it was as though the author was inside my head and describing my own life! For the first time, I know that I am not alone. While I don't think I'll take any action in the immediate future, I am aware that pastoral counseling is an option if my struggles worsen.
I am grateful to Leila at Little Catholic Bubble for her post on this topic, where I found the link to the Ten Commandments for the scrupulous.
St. Alphonsus Liguori, pray for us!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Sweet friendship
Every day seems to be one step closer to graduating and leaving behind this place that has been my home for the past four years. I'm not sentimental about the school itself, since I remember all too well the troubles I've faced here, but thinking about some of the people that I'll be saying goodbye to is very hard. And most of my closest friends are those I met through CCM.
There really is no way to explain all the ways in which Catholic Campus Ministry has helped me to grow, both in my spiritual life and in leadership and planning skills. It's been an invaluable experience, and I don't doubt that having CCM on my resume helped my chances for being accepted to FOCUS.
I will truly miss several friends in particular, but overall I think I'll also miss spiritual reading discussions, late night cookie baking and Rosary making, hiking trips, and morning Masses with the gang. It was so special to share holy hours in the Adoration chapel with good friends -- not many of us here, it seems, share this love for Christ.
Our annual end-of-the-year picnic was today. Traditionally, this is also a sendoff for the senior members of CCM. This year, seniors were surprised with posters covered in messages from the underclassmen. I love homemade, personalized gifts the best, so this was very special to me. I'll be hanging it in my new room at....whatever college FOCUS sends me to.
Don't misunderstand, I'm thrilled every time I remember that I am one of the blessed, privileged few who have been accepted to do God's work with this wonderful missionary program. I cannot imagine how amazing and grace-filled the next two years will be. But looking back over my time here at school, it has been similarly blessed. Only my God could have placed me in such perfect circumstances to refine me and prepare me for my future work. Only my God could have given me such trials and brought me through with a smile. Only my God could have given me these wonderful friends.
There really is no way to explain all the ways in which Catholic Campus Ministry has helped me to grow, both in my spiritual life and in leadership and planning skills. It's been an invaluable experience, and I don't doubt that having CCM on my resume helped my chances for being accepted to FOCUS.
I will truly miss several friends in particular, but overall I think I'll also miss spiritual reading discussions, late night cookie baking and Rosary making, hiking trips, and morning Masses with the gang. It was so special to share holy hours in the Adoration chapel with good friends -- not many of us here, it seems, share this love for Christ.
Our annual end-of-the-year picnic was today. Traditionally, this is also a sendoff for the senior members of CCM. This year, seniors were surprised with posters covered in messages from the underclassmen. I love homemade, personalized gifts the best, so this was very special to me. I'll be hanging it in my new room at....whatever college FOCUS sends me to.
Don't misunderstand, I'm thrilled every time I remember that I am one of the blessed, privileged few who have been accepted to do God's work with this wonderful missionary program. I cannot imagine how amazing and grace-filled the next two years will be. But looking back over my time here at school, it has been similarly blessed. Only my God could have placed me in such perfect circumstances to refine me and prepare me for my future work. Only my God could have given me such trials and brought me through with a smile. Only my God could have given me these wonderful friends.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Beyond blessed
I have never been so grateful for the gift of my sister as I am today. After attending Mass this morning, although feeling a little better than last night, I still felt a strong sense of desperation and disappointment. I called her hoping for nothing more than confirmation that I am a good person despite my failings. But she gave me so much more.
We talked for a full hour, or rather she talked for most of it and I listened, content for once to sit back and absorb the wisdom of one who has experienced the same pain. We are strikingly similar, though not on a superficial level. From our outward appearance, we are clearly sisters, yet our personalities could not be more different. A chemist and a missionary, a realist and an optimist. One dreams of raising a family embedded in the traditions of the Church, the other of joining a religious community and quietly resting in the Lord's presence. Yes, in those ways we are quite different.
But when we look deeper into ourselves, at our strongest inclinations and our desire to be loved by the Father and to share this love with the world, we are the same. Of all my peers, only she can understand me and can relate to my struggles. Only she has been through the same difficulties and emerged stronger and more convicted in her Faith and her values.
Two minds, one soul, forever best friends. My Jesus, I cannot thank You enough for this gift.
We talked for a full hour, or rather she talked for most of it and I listened, content for once to sit back and absorb the wisdom of one who has experienced the same pain. We are strikingly similar, though not on a superficial level. From our outward appearance, we are clearly sisters, yet our personalities could not be more different. A chemist and a missionary, a realist and an optimist. One dreams of raising a family embedded in the traditions of the Church, the other of joining a religious community and quietly resting in the Lord's presence. Yes, in those ways we are quite different.
But when we look deeper into ourselves, at our strongest inclinations and our desire to be loved by the Father and to share this love with the world, we are the same. Of all my peers, only she can understand me and can relate to my struggles. Only she has been through the same difficulties and emerged stronger and more convicted in her Faith and her values.
Two minds, one soul, forever best friends. My Jesus, I cannot thank You enough for this gift.
Sin breeds suffering
Tonight I am heartbroken and seeking only Him. I want so dearly to understand the reason for this hurt, but the words I hear Him saying are "No, My dearest one. Trust Me. Look to Me and no one else for comfort. I alone will provide all that you need."
I want to cry in sorrow for the consequences of my own sinfulness but no tears will come. This is selfishness, wanting the situation to immediately be set aright merely because I have said my apologies. Healing takes time, especially when hurt runs deep.
My pride, my selfishness, my pain.
His love, His mercy, His forgiveness.
I want to cry in sorrow for the consequences of my own sinfulness but no tears will come. This is selfishness, wanting the situation to immediately be set aright merely because I have said my apologies. Healing takes time, especially when hurt runs deep.
My pride, my selfishness, my pain.
His love, His mercy, His forgiveness.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Another ending
This is the last week of classes of my undergraduate career. The majority of my life until this point has been focused on education and schooling. The first years were spent at home with my mom as my teacher. Those were blissful times, to be sure, although I did not fully appreciate them until much later.
High school was a formation of mind and spirit. If presented again with the opportunity to attend Mount de Sales or another school, I would choose the Mount every time. The influence of the Dominican sisters there cannot be overstated, and those four years hold memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
College has been quite the experience and unlike anything I expected. Growth, although sometimes a painful process, is necessary for our development as servants of God. It is not enough for us to remain naive as in childhood, as we cannot minister to struggling souls if we have no concept of life outside of our own sheltered homes. Still, I sometimes repine for my lost innocence, not necessarily resulting from my own actions but rather from my exposure to the evils of our world.
There are times, I admit, when I reflect on my years at this institution and feel that I have not grown in knowledge or wisdom but have only cultivated a jaded outlook on life and on our culture in particular. I sometimes have little hope for humanity to redeem itself -- we are already so fraught with hatred and disrespect for life and virtue that it seems impossible for us to pick ourselves up and be renewed.
And yet, at other times, I seem to recognize God's purpose in all of this. His ways are higher than mine, are they not? His plan is perfect, unlike my own. He knows all the desires of my heart and wishes to fill them with Himself. I have been exposed to the darkness that I may grow in the light and then reflect His light onto others, that they too may shine.
O Lord, fill me with Your love. You know how deeply I desire to know You and serve You. Reign in me once again, my Jesus.
High school was a formation of mind and spirit. If presented again with the opportunity to attend Mount de Sales or another school, I would choose the Mount every time. The influence of the Dominican sisters there cannot be overstated, and those four years hold memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
College has been quite the experience and unlike anything I expected. Growth, although sometimes a painful process, is necessary for our development as servants of God. It is not enough for us to remain naive as in childhood, as we cannot minister to struggling souls if we have no concept of life outside of our own sheltered homes. Still, I sometimes repine for my lost innocence, not necessarily resulting from my own actions but rather from my exposure to the evils of our world.
There are times, I admit, when I reflect on my years at this institution and feel that I have not grown in knowledge or wisdom but have only cultivated a jaded outlook on life and on our culture in particular. I sometimes have little hope for humanity to redeem itself -- we are already so fraught with hatred and disrespect for life and virtue that it seems impossible for us to pick ourselves up and be renewed.
And yet, at other times, I seem to recognize God's purpose in all of this. His ways are higher than mine, are they not? His plan is perfect, unlike my own. He knows all the desires of my heart and wishes to fill them with Himself. I have been exposed to the darkness that I may grow in the light and then reflect His light onto others, that they too may shine.
O Lord, fill me with Your love. You know how deeply I desire to know You and serve You. Reign in me once again, my Jesus.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Today's grace
At some points in life, it seems as though every day is a struggle. I'm constantly battling against the forces of the evil one and the hatred caused by the fall of man. It's in these times that I can physically feel the weight of sin and must fight to stay faithful, to trust in God's covenant even through the darkest hours.
Today, though, is not one of those times. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow! What a relief it was to finally attend a morning Mass after having skipped the past few days. The church and the Adoration chapel are both beautifully decorated for Easter, and all creation seems to be following suit as the warm spring weather has lifted the gray veil of winter.
O my Jesus, You are our King and our Lover. Shine brightly through me today, that I might be a witness to all who do not know Your love.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The unexpected
This morning did not quite go according to plan.
* I was looking forward to some prayer time before Mass, but the boys wanted a ride to church because of the heavy rainstorm so I agreed to wait for them - I figured it's a missionary sacrifice to give up my much-desired time with the Lord in order to bring others to Him.
* On my way to the shower, I heard a roommate crying and was tempted to go on about my business but remembered that to comfort the sorrowful is a work of mercy.
* That roommate left the apartment soon after, only to return a minute later carrying my Rosary, soaking wet, which she'd found outside. I was glad then that I had chosen to act out of Christian love rather than ignore her.
* The campus safety vehicles began circling the college with their sirens blaring to inform us of a tornado warning; I contacted the boys to let them know we'd be staying home.
* As the rain worsened, I checked the weather report and it said we were now under not only a tornado but also a flash flood warning.
* My friend called to say that part of her window had blown in and her room was flooding. Apparently students in some dorms are gathering in the basement.
* I texted my mom about the weather...and she called me back to wished me a happy birthday. :]
Now it seems to have blown over - the sky is clearer and the rain has lessened. If this minor storm can trigger such confusion and fear in us, what must the apostles have felt when out at sea?
They woke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?" He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!" The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then He asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?" [Mark 4:38-41]
* I was looking forward to some prayer time before Mass, but the boys wanted a ride to church because of the heavy rainstorm so I agreed to wait for them - I figured it's a missionary sacrifice to give up my much-desired time with the Lord in order to bring others to Him.
* On my way to the shower, I heard a roommate crying and was tempted to go on about my business but remembered that to comfort the sorrowful is a work of mercy.
* That roommate left the apartment soon after, only to return a minute later carrying my Rosary, soaking wet, which she'd found outside. I was glad then that I had chosen to act out of Christian love rather than ignore her.
* The campus safety vehicles began circling the college with their sirens blaring to inform us of a tornado warning; I contacted the boys to let them know we'd be staying home.
* As the rain worsened, I checked the weather report and it said we were now under not only a tornado but also a flash flood warning.
* My friend called to say that part of her window had blown in and her room was flooding. Apparently students in some dorms are gathering in the basement.
* I texted my mom about the weather...and she called me back to wished me a happy birthday. :]
Now it seems to have blown over - the sky is clearer and the rain has lessened. If this minor storm can trigger such confusion and fear in us, what must the apostles have felt when out at sea?
They woke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?" He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!" The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then He asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?" [Mark 4:38-41]
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Upon the arrival of my 22nd year
For a year of spiritual growth and increasing virtue,
For a greater understanding of the love beyond measure of a Father for His child,
For good friendship and fellowship with like-minded souls,
For grace and strength to survive the hardships and joy to smile in the darkest hours,
For a spirit of hope that cannot be destroyed, even in the face of evil,
For the conclusion of an epoch and the opening of a new and promising chapter,
We give Thee thanks, O Almighty God, for these Thy benefits, Who lives and reigns, world without end. Amen.
For a greater understanding of the love beyond measure of a Father for His child,
For good friendship and fellowship with like-minded souls,
For grace and strength to survive the hardships and joy to smile in the darkest hours,
For a spirit of hope that cannot be destroyed, even in the face of evil,
For the conclusion of an epoch and the opening of a new and promising chapter,
We give Thee thanks, O Almighty God, for these Thy benefits, Who lives and reigns, world without end. Amen.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Eastertide
40 days of fasting, prayer, and penance, all leading up to the holiest of nights...
Singing the first gloria of the Easter season --
Welcoming the Alleluia back into the liturgy and into our hearts --
Listening to the joyful Easter proclamation, the Exsultet --
Rejoice, heavenly powers! Sing, choirs of angels! Exult, all creation around God's throne! Jesus Christ, our King, is risen! Sound the trumpet of salvation!
The Easter Vigil Mass was beautiful as always. I love watching RCIA candidates be fully initiated into the Catholic Church. There were 11 or 12 at my home parish this year, but I heard the church here at school received about 30 new members, half of whom were children. It's such a powerful testament, first and foremost to the generosity of Our Lord, but also to the witness given by the members of the parish community.
It's difficult not to gorge on the items I had been fasting from during Lent. Much Easter candy has been consumed and more than a few hours spent catching up on blogger news. But long after the novelty of these indulgences wears off, I will still be carrying an alleluia in my heart and proclaiming the joy of the risen Christ!
One of my favorite aspects of the Easter season is the concluding blessing at the end of every Mass that reminds us of the continued glory of these 50 days:
Go in peace, alleluia alleluia!
Thanks be to God, alleluia alleluia!
Listening to the joyful Easter proclamation, the Exsultet --
Rejoice, heavenly powers! Sing, choirs of angels! Exult, all creation around God's throne! Jesus Christ, our King, is risen! Sound the trumpet of salvation!
The Easter Vigil Mass was beautiful as always. I love watching RCIA candidates be fully initiated into the Catholic Church. There were 11 or 12 at my home parish this year, but I heard the church here at school received about 30 new members, half of whom were children. It's such a powerful testament, first and foremost to the generosity of Our Lord, but also to the witness given by the members of the parish community.
It's difficult not to gorge on the items I had been fasting from during Lent. Much Easter candy has been consumed and more than a few hours spent catching up on blogger news. But long after the novelty of these indulgences wears off, I will still be carrying an alleluia in my heart and proclaiming the joy of the risen Christ!
One of my favorite aspects of the Easter season is the concluding blessing at the end of every Mass that reminds us of the continued glory of these 50 days:
Go in peace, alleluia alleluia!
Thanks be to God, alleluia alleluia!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Ending of Holy Week
The richness of our Catholic Faith is never more apparent than during the Triduum. Three days of heightened devotion in anticipation of Christ's triumph over sin and death. There is nothing else quite like it.
Appropriately, this year's Lent ends in tears just as it began. My dear brother is broken, crushed to the lowest point and cannot find his way out of the deep. I have so little to offer him, since talk of God is not something he responds to very positively. I am here to listen to him but I feel so inept. He shares with me his greatest pain and suffering, and my words of comfort and motivation sound so silly. Of course I wish just like our parents that he would just change his attitude toward the situation, but that seems like an impossible task when he is wallowing in regret and loneliness. Where is God in his time of need??
Lord, You want us to come to You with all our problems. My brother is finding it hard even to make that little step towards You. Please bless him abundantly with Your grace tomorrow when he attends Easter Mass -- I know he's been ignoring You, but what he needs now is hope and promise of new life. O my Jesus, You make all things new. Give him the strength to carry on. Amen.
Appropriately, this year's Lent ends in tears just as it began. My dear brother is broken, crushed to the lowest point and cannot find his way out of the deep. I have so little to offer him, since talk of God is not something he responds to very positively. I am here to listen to him but I feel so inept. He shares with me his greatest pain and suffering, and my words of comfort and motivation sound so silly. Of course I wish just like our parents that he would just change his attitude toward the situation, but that seems like an impossible task when he is wallowing in regret and loneliness. Where is God in his time of need??
Lord, You want us to come to You with all our problems. My brother is finding it hard even to make that little step towards You. Please bless him abundantly with Your grace tomorrow when he attends Easter Mass -- I know he's been ignoring You, but what he needs now is hope and promise of new life. O my Jesus, You make all things new. Give him the strength to carry on. Amen.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
To make a wretch His treasure
At Mass today, I felt distracted but kept trying to return to the moment. Our Church is so beautiful in its richness, God's Word in its depth of meaning, and our leaders in their understanding and wisdom. I could never leave, could never be anything but Catholic. Typing those words make me laugh, as they sound so similar to the words of Peter:
"Even though I should have to die with You, I will not deny You."
How many times I have made this kind of impassioned commitment, only to quickly discover the frailty of my human will. And yet He loves me still, amidst all my failures, not in spite of them but because of them. I am all the more precious to Him because I pursue Him even in my weakened state. Indeed, that can only be the love of a Father for His dear child.
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Da patientiam
Patience - not my strong suit. Whether in important matters, such as waiting on God's will, or silly things like being easily irritated at the sound of a person eating, I really struggle with this virtue, and more often than not my impatience gets the best of me.
How should I approach this? I recognize that others must be very patient with me -- should I not do the same for them? I frequently control the most aggressive or vocal reaction yet still make a passing remark or make it apparent through my facial expressions that I am annoyed. What is the goal of these actions? Do I want an apology for something that wasn't harmful to begin with? Do I want recognition for all the "sufferings" that I must endure? Do I simply want the person to comply with my will?
My will. Pride. I should be able to control every aspect of my life, including the actions of others and the effect that they have on me.
O my Jesus, save me from my pridefulness, which has poisoned so many aspects of my nature. Blessed Mother, model of humility and patience, teach me to be like you.
How should I approach this? I recognize that others must be very patient with me -- should I not do the same for them? I frequently control the most aggressive or vocal reaction yet still make a passing remark or make it apparent through my facial expressions that I am annoyed. What is the goal of these actions? Do I want an apology for something that wasn't harmful to begin with? Do I want recognition for all the "sufferings" that I must endure? Do I simply want the person to comply with my will?
My will. Pride. I should be able to control every aspect of my life, including the actions of others and the effect that they have on me.
O my Jesus, save me from my pridefulness, which has poisoned so many aspects of my nature. Blessed Mother, model of humility and patience, teach me to be like you.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Holy Week: Monday
Is it ever called just "Holy Monday"? Is it strange that I ponder these things in my not-so-free time?
During his homily this morning, the deacon noted that throughout Lent, more people have been attending both the 7 and 8am weekday Masses. He said that we will celebrate our victory with Christ at Easter, and that if we continue coming that week, the Church will treat us to powerful post-Resurrection readings. I'm very excited for that. :)
Just a few more days and then I'm going home!
During his homily this morning, the deacon noted that throughout Lent, more people have been attending both the 7 and 8am weekday Masses. He said that we will celebrate our victory with Christ at Easter, and that if we continue coming that week, the Church will treat us to powerful post-Resurrection readings. I'm very excited for that. :)
Just a few more days and then I'm going home!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Palm Sunday
Hosanna to the King of Kings!
The deacon giving the homily this morning asked us to imagine a circle drawn in our hearts with a throne inside it. There may be people both inside and outside the circle, but only one person or object may be seated on the throne. Is it Christ?
This Holy Week, I'm going to make an effort to read all the morning and evening prayers in the Magnificat, to pray the Rosary as often as I can, and to go to Mass every day (which shouldn't be that hard considering the Triduum!). I'll be going home either Wednesday night or Holy Thursday morning, which I'm really looking forward to so I can celebrate these solemn feasts with my parents and my home parish. I'm also a little nervous about some of my final projects, which are due over the following two weeks, but with Jesus as Lord of my life, I trust Him to help me with everything.
Lord, we lift up Your name with hearts full of praise! Be exalted, O Lord my God, hosanna in the highest!
The deacon giving the homily this morning asked us to imagine a circle drawn in our hearts with a throne inside it. There may be people both inside and outside the circle, but only one person or object may be seated on the throne. Is it Christ?
This Holy Week, I'm going to make an effort to read all the morning and evening prayers in the Magnificat, to pray the Rosary as often as I can, and to go to Mass every day (which shouldn't be that hard considering the Triduum!). I'll be going home either Wednesday night or Holy Thursday morning, which I'm really looking forward to so I can celebrate these solemn feasts with my parents and my home parish. I'm also a little nervous about some of my final projects, which are due over the following two weeks, but with Jesus as Lord of my life, I trust Him to help me with everything.
Lord, we lift up Your name with hearts full of praise! Be exalted, O Lord my God, hosanna in the highest!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
My foolish heart
Today was a much-needed conversation that I suspect was a long time in coming. Matt had been asking for a while to go on one of our walks, so this rainy morning after Mass we headed to Denny's for breakfast. He's in the process of discerning a vocation to either the priesthood or a religious order (likely the Franciscans). There are aspects of each that he feels drawn to, but I suspect based on his own words that within the next year or two he'll head off to seminary. Of course he'd love to be serving the poor and spreading the Gospel in that real, down-to-earth way along with other friars, but he has a great attraction to the duties and joys of being a parish priest. I am so very excited for him - I know he'll be a glad servant of God wherever he goes.
I, similarly, am discerning whether my vocation is to the married life or to an order, namely the Dominicans. I am currently in a more passive state, I suppose, as I realize I have to focus on my present calling to missionary work, and I'm sure my discernment will continue along the way. I'm praying for clarity for both Matt and me, that God will grace us with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit so we may know His will and do it wholeheartedly.
Once again, God has removed my foolishness, cut out my selfish desires, and filled me instead with a desire to follow His perfect plan for my life. Thanks be to God for His gentleness in redirecting me and leading me back to Himself.
I, similarly, am discerning whether my vocation is to the married life or to an order, namely the Dominicans. I am currently in a more passive state, I suppose, as I realize I have to focus on my present calling to missionary work, and I'm sure my discernment will continue along the way. I'm praying for clarity for both Matt and me, that God will grace us with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit so we may know His will and do it wholeheartedly.
Once again, God has removed my foolishness, cut out my selfish desires, and filled me instead with a desire to follow His perfect plan for my life. Thanks be to God for His gentleness in redirecting me and leading me back to Himself.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Abide in My love
Rarely has Christ's love been so apparent to me as it is through Fr. d'Elbee's conferences on love. I read the final chapter entitled "Jesus, Mary, and the Saints" and was feeling so inspired and filled with the love of God that I wanted to write about it, but when I began to do so I realized that there is no way for me to adequately express it. I wish I could encourage everyone I meet to read the book, to try to grasp the indescribable love and mercy that Our Lord is constantly pouring down upon us. But whenever I have tried to do so, the words fail me.
I can say only this --
If heaven is, as God has promised, more than we can ever imagine...
If we will one day truly see the face of Christ and indeed the full Beatific vision...
If His love is greater than anything we could experience here on earth...
It will be worth it. All the sacrifices, the pain, the sufferings, the hatred we have endured in this life will be as nothing compared to the peace, love, and eternal happiness we will receive when we reach our true home. O Lord, may we wait patiently and eagerly for that day! Purify our intentions and our desires, that we might want only to be with You!
I can say only this --
If heaven is, as God has promised, more than we can ever imagine...
If we will one day truly see the face of Christ and indeed the full Beatific vision...
If His love is greater than anything we could experience here on earth...
It will be worth it. All the sacrifices, the pain, the sufferings, the hatred we have endured in this life will be as nothing compared to the peace, love, and eternal happiness we will receive when we reach our true home. O Lord, may we wait patiently and eagerly for that day! Purify our intentions and our desires, that we might want only to be with You!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Trying to transition
I'm coming to the end of the school year and with it the end of another stage of my life. Realizing that I won't be returning to campus in the fall, I'm having to tie up loose ends, many of them related to CCM. I knew that this was a stressor, but I didn't know how much it was impacting me until I dreamt about it last night. A staff member of the college met with me to inform me that CCM could not continue. For reasons unknown to me, they were dissolving the group, although some effort was being taken to help the serious members make this transition. The informant claimed that he had already spoken with Matt, didn't Matt tell me? I was confused and a little hurt - why would he have kept this from me? - but I recognized that he was probably trying to spare me the pain a little longer or just didn't know how to broach the subject.
Thank God this is not reality! The community has already suffered the loss of a house, and I cannot imagine the fate of individual members if CCM meetings could no longer be held. I think it's a reminder for me to do two things: pray for the future of CCM, both for its leaders and future members, and trust that God, the Giver of all good gifts, will take care of everything.
Does this mirror my own life? The transition I'm making from student to missionary is an exciting one, and yet I have many fears. Will I even make it successfully to graduation? How will I get to summer training? What if I can't learn silence and am not able to hear God speaking to me? What happens afterwards -- religious life or marriage? What if my whole existence is based on false pride and I am not fit for this job?
O Lord, You have probed me and You know me: You know when I sit and when I stand; You understand my thoughts from afar. My travels and my rest You mark; with all my ways You are familiar. Even before a word is on my tongue, Lord, You know it all. ~Psalm 139:1-5
I would do well to memorize that psalm.
Thank God this is not reality! The community has already suffered the loss of a house, and I cannot imagine the fate of individual members if CCM meetings could no longer be held. I think it's a reminder for me to do two things: pray for the future of CCM, both for its leaders and future members, and trust that God, the Giver of all good gifts, will take care of everything.
Does this mirror my own life? The transition I'm making from student to missionary is an exciting one, and yet I have many fears. Will I even make it successfully to graduation? How will I get to summer training? What if I can't learn silence and am not able to hear God speaking to me? What happens afterwards -- religious life or marriage? What if my whole existence is based on false pride and I am not fit for this job?
O Lord, You have probed me and You know me: You know when I sit and when I stand; You understand my thoughts from afar. My travels and my rest You mark; with all my ways You are familiar. Even before a word is on my tongue, Lord, You know it all. ~Psalm 139:1-5
I would do well to memorize that psalm.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
They shall see God
Blest are they, the pure of heart. This is the first time in my life that I've really considered what it means to have purity of heart or intention. It seems that the more I explore my inner spirituality, the more aware I become of the manipulative, prideful, and selfish motives behind my actions. It makes me wonder -- have I ever truly had a pure heart? How often do I act out of true compassion and kindness, expecting nothing in return? Material wealth is not important to me, but I seem to covet attention and compliments from others. I thrive on success and achievement, not because they bring me internal fulfillment but because they elicit admiration and praise from people around me.
Jesus, forgive me for my selfish intentions. I want only to be humble and to have a servant's spirit. Mary, teach me to act only out of love for Your Son.
Jesus, forgive me for my selfish intentions. I want only to be humble and to have a servant's spirit. Mary, teach me to act only out of love for Your Son.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The rain falls...
...on the just and the unjust. This was part of today's Magnificat reading, and it became so relevant because, during morning Mass, a heavy rainstorm began. It was only raining lightly when I left for church, and I almost decided to walk instead of drive because the weather seemed a little warmer today. I'm glad I didn't!
I love the humor of the clergy! These days, Fr. Farmer is teasing Matt about the beard he's growing. Said he's beginning to look a little Franciscan. Matt said now all he needs is to take a little off the top!
I'm having trouble with silence. Even when I try to quiet my mind, there's still a running commentary reminding me of everything I'm supposed to be doing. I don't really know how to practice this, except to start with small increments of silence and work my way up. Even 30 seconds is a challenge for me. Mrs. Walsh told me that St. Teresa of Avila also struggled with this -- her intelligent and curious mind did not easily convert to contemplation. She even said that it may never be easy for me on earth, but that even through the noise in my head, my soul may come to a state of resting in Christ. I long for this.
Lord, help me to quiet my mind and hear only Your voice.
I love the humor of the clergy! These days, Fr. Farmer is teasing Matt about the beard he's growing. Said he's beginning to look a little Franciscan. Matt said now all he needs is to take a little off the top!
I'm having trouble with silence. Even when I try to quiet my mind, there's still a running commentary reminding me of everything I'm supposed to be doing. I don't really know how to practice this, except to start with small increments of silence and work my way up. Even 30 seconds is a challenge for me. Mrs. Walsh told me that St. Teresa of Avila also struggled with this -- her intelligent and curious mind did not easily convert to contemplation. She even said that it may never be easy for me on earth, but that even through the noise in my head, my soul may come to a state of resting in Christ. I long for this.
Lord, help me to quiet my mind and hear only Your voice.
Monday, April 11, 2011
The sacred and the profane
I went to Mass this morning at St. John's here at home. I had been sitting alone in the church for a while, people slowly filtering in, when all the children from the parish school appeared and began filling the pews on one side of the church. At first I was a little annoyed -- would there be enough room? Would I have to give up my seat? They had broken the stillness of the quiet church and my attention that should have been focused on the divine was, as always, easily swept away by the human element.
And yet Christ is present in the everyday. I am so quick to dismiss the world and our society in particular as corrupt and devoid of holiness, but this is far from the truth. Yes, there is a great need for silence and reverence for the sacred traditions of our Faith. But God has not called us all to the convent or the cloistered life. I must learn to be mindful of the presence of God in all things.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
How beautiful is the Body of Christ
I have always considered this song to be referring to His crucified and now resurrected and glorious Body, that which we receive in the Holy Eucharist. But I wonder now if it doesn't also speak to the Church and all of us as the mystical Body of Christ and the entire Communion of Saints.
I spent the morning in the best of company - first with Our Lord at Mass, and afterwards Matt and I had the chance to speak with Sr. Faustina about her motherhouse. Then we caught up with Mrs. Walsh and, bless her, she remembered from our conversation two weeks ago that we were to go to coffee today! Matt headed home and she drove me to the diner where she allowed me to spill out my soul, my deepest desires, my excitement and fears for the future, and all that has been tugging on my heart recently. We spoke of silence in prayer, growing in holiness, and finding one's vocation. She briefed me on her own life and spiritual awakening, and through it all she tied in innumerable references to words of the saints and of Scripture. I am so intrigued by the connections that can be made between our own spiritualities and those that have come before us, that there is in some sense a common bond among all of us who desire to enter into a more serious relationship with Christ and a deeper understanding of the mysteries of our Faith.
We talked for over two hours! She said she didn't mind - this is her favorite topic of discussion. She shared with me some of her own experiences and realizations that are similar to mine. I almost wish I could have recorded our talk to have on hand for the future, for she has such wisdom coming from the Holy Spirit. Hers is a life lived beautifully in union with Christ. She is willing to become a spiritual mother to CCM, and for that I am so grateful. It is providential as well, because just last night I met with Matt, Catherine, and Oliver to discuss the future of the group. There are so many changes to be made for next year, and Oliver especially is passionately headed towards bringing new life into CCM. I know God's hand is at work within the group, and yet there is so much at stake, so many things to be accomplished, and so little human power to carry it out. But as Catherine said, this can only be done with the power of God. Mrs. Walsh will be instrumental, I am sure, in fostering the spiritual development of CCM members and in providing strength and support to Matt, Oliver, and the others who are so invested in the task at-hand.
God bless Mrs. Walsh. God bless Matt for bringing her to us. God bless this parish and all it has done for the life of my soul. God bless Oliver for having insight and passion to bring to the new generation of CCM.
Lord, I trust in Your infinite mercy and compassion. Please lead me to wherever You would like me to go. I am ready to do Your will, O God. Help me to follow You. Amen.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Starting fresh
Glory and praise to our God! I slept for 9 hours last night -- dearly needed rest -- and woke up on my own at quarter after 6. I took the scapular from Mrs. Walsh to Mass this morning and told Fr. Ray that I wanted to be invested. He brought out the Book of Blessings and prayed over the scapular and over me. I was so happy to be able to put it on after that. I don't know why I never thought of it this way, but just as Mary is my mother, I am her daughter. I like that it's a real, tangible relationship.
I give You thanks, O Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I give You thanks, O Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Monday, April 4, 2011
The man born blind
Fr. Lou's notes on confession and spiritual blindness - We've either stopped recognizing sin or do not acknowledge that we need the Church for forgiveness. We must return to the sacrament in order to be washed and have our eyes opened to our sinfulness.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Home of the soul
After Mass this morning, I was speaking to Sister. When I said that I'm a senior and almost done with school, she said, "We'll miss you," to which I replied that I would miss the parish. St. John's has been my spiritual home for the past four years. I was attending Mass there before Fr. Farmer, Fr. Lou, and even Fr. Hector were assigned to the parish. I have many fond memories of time spent at the church.
I'll miss the people most of all. Knowing all the priests personally, and them calling me by name. Homilies, especially from Fr. Ray when he pauses to lovingly address a noisy infant in the congregation. Daily Mass - like the black and white weekday comics that tell a continuing story - especially on Saturday mornings when we conclude with "Immaculate Mary." Staying after Mass to pray the Rosary with the elderly women. Confession - such a grace for me who fears it and yet needs it so much.
The Adoration chapel - along with the priests, I think this is what I'll miss the most. I pray there is one at the next church I attend. Dropping into the parish center at any time, greeting the secretary, and stopping by Paul's office. Yes, I will certainly miss Paul, his spiritual wisdom, strength of faith, and ability to put everything in perspective.
The stained glass windows. The statue of the Blessed Mother. The high arched panes of glass that give a beautiful view of the sky.
This post is making me sad. Maybe I'll return to it later.
I'll miss the people most of all. Knowing all the priests personally, and them calling me by name. Homilies, especially from Fr. Ray when he pauses to lovingly address a noisy infant in the congregation. Daily Mass - like the black and white weekday comics that tell a continuing story - especially on Saturday mornings when we conclude with "Immaculate Mary." Staying after Mass to pray the Rosary with the elderly women. Confession - such a grace for me who fears it and yet needs it so much.
The Adoration chapel - along with the priests, I think this is what I'll miss the most. I pray there is one at the next church I attend. Dropping into the parish center at any time, greeting the secretary, and stopping by Paul's office. Yes, I will certainly miss Paul, his spiritual wisdom, strength of faith, and ability to put everything in perspective.
The stained glass windows. The statue of the Blessed Mother. The high arched panes of glass that give a beautiful view of the sky.
This post is making me sad. Maybe I'll return to it later.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Dreary days
Christ, shine through the darkness in my life! I am following You, but this life is hard. I have not the strength to go it alone. Times of loneliness and sorrow, times of weariness and fear, lost in the maze that I have created for myself and drawn in by the pleasures of this life.
Lately I've been feeling a little dry, as though my prayers are just words coming from an insincere heart. I want my prayer to be meaningful, but I seem unable to silence myself long enough to listen to the voice of the Lord. For all the times I thought I heard Him, I wonder if I was only attributing to Him the words I wanted to hear.
O Lord, break me and build me. Change me and remake me. I never want to be apart from You.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Hardened hearts and beginning anew
The first reading from Jeremiah today is quite a contrast from yesterday's reading. The Lord instructs Jeremiah to say to the people:
This is the nation that does not listen to the voice of the LORD, its God, or take correction. Faithfulness has disappeared; the word itself is banished from their speech.
Have we allowed our hearts to become hardened? Apathy towards evil is like a sickness that spreads throughout the body, and we must now pay the consequences of not stopping the sin before it grew unwieldy. Court cases dealing with abortion, protests at funerals, transgender equality, homosexual unions...all of these evils have now returned to haunt us. We cannot blame God, for He has not been silent. Perhaps He has been warning us in the forms of natural disaster -- He allows the aftereffects of our sinfulness to play out, so recently our world has faced earthquakes, tsunamis, tornados, fires, famine, floods, and unending war.
Lord, this is the people that longs to see Your face! Do not abandon us; do not leave us orphans.
Fr. Lou reminded us that we are only halfway through Lent. This is the perfect time for us to review our Lenten resolutions; even if we have been failing, we can still rededicate ourselves to Jesus. And to that, I say, Amen!
This is the nation that does not listen to the voice of the LORD, its God, or take correction. Faithfulness has disappeared; the word itself is banished from their speech.
Have we allowed our hearts to become hardened? Apathy towards evil is like a sickness that spreads throughout the body, and we must now pay the consequences of not stopping the sin before it grew unwieldy. Court cases dealing with abortion, protests at funerals, transgender equality, homosexual unions...all of these evils have now returned to haunt us. We cannot blame God, for He has not been silent. Perhaps He has been warning us in the forms of natural disaster -- He allows the aftereffects of our sinfulness to play out, so recently our world has faced earthquakes, tsunamis, tornados, fires, famine, floods, and unending war.
Lord, this is the people that longs to see Your face! Do not abandon us; do not leave us orphans.
Fr. Lou reminded us that we are only halfway through Lent. This is the perfect time for us to review our Lenten resolutions; even if we have been failing, we can still rededicate ourselves to Jesus. And to that, I say, Amen!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Not enough
I certainly don't consider myself perfect, but I must say I was feeling quite accomplished and proud of myself for my recent strides in the way of faithfulness. And yet there is always something more we must do. Fr. Hector stressed in his homily this morning the idea of sacrifice. It is not enough just to come to Sunday Mass or even daily Mass. Are we doing good works for others? Are we striving every day to build up treasure in heaven? Matt related a homily he'd heard recently on the Gospel of the corporal works of mercy -- "Whatever you did to the least of My brothers...". The priest compared this a final exam for which we already know the answers. If we know what we'll be tested on, why aren't we preparing for it?
On another note, we seem barraged these days with legislation from our corrupt government that supports a culture of death and moral degradation. It seems discouraging at times, but we must remember to have hope, for the Lord is on our side. Surely, He will see us through any trials we must face. He will not abandon us but rather walk beside us every step of the way, often carrying us when we do not have the strength to walk.
From this morning's first reading (Dt. 4:7): For what great nation is there that has gods so close to it as the LORD, our God, is to us whenever we call upon him?
How appropriate to our struggling world! May Christ's justice and peace ever reign!
On another note, we seem barraged these days with legislation from our corrupt government that supports a culture of death and moral degradation. It seems discouraging at times, but we must remember to have hope, for the Lord is on our side. Surely, He will see us through any trials we must face. He will not abandon us but rather walk beside us every step of the way, often carrying us when we do not have the strength to walk.
From this morning's first reading (Dt. 4:7): For what great nation is there that has gods so close to it as the LORD, our God, is to us whenever we call upon him?
How appropriate to our struggling world! May Christ's justice and peace ever reign!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Forgiveness: As we forgive our debtors
In today's Gospel, Peter asks Jesus how many times he must forgive his brother. I never realized just serious is the penalty for not showing forgiveness. Jesus tells the story of the servant whose loan was forgiven by the King but who then showed no mercy to a man who owed him much less. The King handed the wicked servant over to torturers! We must be aware of what is in store for us if we hold grudges and live with hatred in our hearts.
Fr. Farmer encouraged us to look at a crucifix today, to remember that our sins nailed Jesus there, and yet still He is a God of mercy. So must we also forgive all those who hurt us.
The morning prayer's intercessions from the Magnificat were particularly thought-provoking. Reminded me somewhat of the Litany of Humility, though I found them even harder to accept, perhaps because I am unaccustomed to them.
(Each phrase is followed by "we pray, Lord, have mercy.")
Give peace to those who have destroyed our peace...
Give love to those who have refused us love...
Protect from injury those who have done us injury...
Grant success to those who have competed with us to our loss...
Give prosperity to those who have taken what was ours...
Fr. Farmer encouraged us to look at a crucifix today, to remember that our sins nailed Jesus there, and yet still He is a God of mercy. So must we also forgive all those who hurt us.
The morning prayer's intercessions from the Magnificat were particularly thought-provoking. Reminded me somewhat of the Litany of Humility, though I found them even harder to accept, perhaps because I am unaccustomed to them.
(Each phrase is followed by "we pray, Lord, have mercy.")
Give peace to those who have destroyed our peace...
Give love to those who have refused us love...
Protect from injury those who have done us injury...
Grant success to those who have competed with us to our loss...
Give prosperity to those who have taken what was ours...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Peace in the moment
It's getting more and more difficult to be patient with housemates in these last weeks of the semester. Everyone seems to be on her last nerve, and none of us can handle the stress at home when we're trying to struggle through the heavy workload. I'm praying now for peace amongst friends, and in our world at large. A particular group of picketers has been wreaking havoc on families mourning the deaths of their military heros. When did our world reach this level of hatred and disrespect for one's fellow man?
Mass this morning was good to recenter my thinking, but I'm going to need regular reminders throughout the day to stay focused. Jesus, help me! I need You now.
Mass this morning was good to recenter my thinking, but I'm going to need regular reminders throughout the day to stay focused. Jesus, help me! I need You now.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
How to be humble
Today in confession, Fr. Ray explained that my penance would be to pray for a spirit of humility and quiet service to God. It surprises me that I never really knew before this year how prideful I am. When Christ said, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first," He wasn't just asking us to share a piece of cake with a friend. Why haven't I ever taken His words seriously? I should be last. Always. Not settling for second, not the average joe, but last.
That isn't easy. For those of us who have spent most of our lives trying to stay on top - to have the last laugh, the best grade, the most impressive connections - this comes as a major shock. What, you want me to be a servant, to be lowly even in the face of mockery and contempt??
My Savior was.
God has never asked us to do anything He has not already done. But He gave His very life for us -- is it fair for us to give Him any less?
Pride cannot stand if I see the face of Christ in others. Love will conquer pride when I truly recognize all my brothers and sisters as created by God.
I think I'll be taking a lot of back seats over the next week. May I see Christ shaping me into a servant worthy of His call.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Eye has not seen
You are my God, and You are my All, and I have never seen You.
This is my favorite line from St. Anselm's prayer. I think it's beautiful and yet wistfully sad. How strongly we desire to know Him, to see Him as He truly is, the God-man. We are such a flawed human race, and we seem to need visual reminders of the reality of our Savior.
On another note, I attended Mass this morning -- beautiful, dedicated to Mary on the Solemnity of the Annunciation. For some reason, I was a little saddened that Fr. Farmer wasn't wearing blue vestments, but perhaps white, which is saved for feast days, makes it even more special.
My Jesus, I love You. I am so thankful for all that You have revealed to me and for the seed You have sown in my heart. I desire only to do Your will. Refine my heart, O Lord!
This is my favorite line from St. Anselm's prayer. I think it's beautiful and yet wistfully sad. How strongly we desire to know Him, to see Him as He truly is, the God-man. We are such a flawed human race, and we seem to need visual reminders of the reality of our Savior.
On another note, I attended Mass this morning -- beautiful, dedicated to Mary on the Solemnity of the Annunciation. For some reason, I was a little saddened that Fr. Farmer wasn't wearing blue vestments, but perhaps white, which is saved for feast days, makes it even more special.
My Jesus, I love You. I am so thankful for all that You have revealed to me and for the seed You have sown in my heart. I desire only to do Your will. Refine my heart, O Lord!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Southern Sunday
Praise Jesus for the warmth of spring! Visiting Teresa and Shawn in Nashville and trying to do some wedding planning. I don't think today will be very productive, but that's alright -- I suppose that's the nature of the Lord's day. Spent the morning at Shawn's church and then at his sister's in-law's house for brunch.
It's been hard this past week, being out of school and away from my usual routine. I haven't gotten any work done, but that's not the biggest thing. I've been slipping spiritually. Not in a sinful way, per se, just not centering my life on Him. I can't wait to get back to daily Mass, which has been somewhat impossible with recent traveling. Adoration, too, I truly miss. The God-shaped hole in my heart is sadly not as full as it once was. Oh, how dearly I want Him to fill it again to the point of bursting!
My Jesus, I love You!
It's been hard this past week, being out of school and away from my usual routine. I haven't gotten any work done, but that's not the biggest thing. I've been slipping spiritually. Not in a sinful way, per se, just not centering my life on Him. I can't wait to get back to daily Mass, which has been somewhat impossible with recent traveling. Adoration, too, I truly miss. The God-shaped hole in my heart is sadly not as full as it once was. Oh, how dearly I want Him to fill it again to the point of bursting!
My Jesus, I love You!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Mission talk: End times
Mass this morning followed by the last of the mission talks at my church. The Redemptorist priest spoke on the rewards of discipleship, basically outlining the four last things. His stress was on trusting in God's great love and not fearing death or judgment. A few notes:
* "As we live, so we will die." We shouldn't worry about hell as long as we're on the journey to heaven.
* Purgatory is a gift, a time for us to let go of whatever we're still carrying. Christ has already atoned for our sins, but we may still not be pure enough to enter heaven (i.e. may not yet trust God completely, etc.).
* God will be there at the moment we die; He wants us to have a peaceful death.
He told us a beautiful story about an old man who was dying yet had no fear. Years before, when his faith was weak and God did not feel real to him, a priest had instructed him to imagine Jesus in great detail sitting in the chair across from him. Once he had grasped this, he should tell Jesus everything he'd always wanted to say to Him. Then Jesus would speak to him as well.
The man did this, and throughout the rest of his life he continued to have such close conversations with the Lord. When the doctor told him he did not have long to live, the old man could not wait for him to leave the hospital room so he could speak to Jesus. He was so happy to finally be going home where Jesus could embrace him. Jesus replied that He, too, was overjoyed and excited for the man to join Him in heaven.
The man soon died and was found in his bed, but with his head resting on the chair beside him. He had died with his head resting in Jesus' lap. What a beautiful way to return home.
This story made me cry. How dearly I want to see Jesus!
This is my temporary home.
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home.
* "As we live, so we will die." We shouldn't worry about hell as long as we're on the journey to heaven.
* Purgatory is a gift, a time for us to let go of whatever we're still carrying. Christ has already atoned for our sins, but we may still not be pure enough to enter heaven (i.e. may not yet trust God completely, etc.).
* God will be there at the moment we die; He wants us to have a peaceful death.
He told us a beautiful story about an old man who was dying yet had no fear. Years before, when his faith was weak and God did not feel real to him, a priest had instructed him to imagine Jesus in great detail sitting in the chair across from him. Once he had grasped this, he should tell Jesus everything he'd always wanted to say to Him. Then Jesus would speak to him as well.
The man did this, and throughout the rest of his life he continued to have such close conversations with the Lord. When the doctor told him he did not have long to live, the old man could not wait for him to leave the hospital room so he could speak to Jesus. He was so happy to finally be going home where Jesus could embrace him. Jesus replied that He, too, was overjoyed and excited for the man to join Him in heaven.
The man soon died and was found in his bed, but with his head resting on the chair beside him. He had died with his head resting in Jesus' lap. What a beautiful way to return home.
This story made me cry. How dearly I want to see Jesus!
This is my temporary home.
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
After several days...
Almost a week since I've blogged, and for good reason. Flew out to LA Friday morning and spent the weekend with Paul. Finally got back last night. A few blessings - and surprises - along with way:
* I almost got left behind. I was given the last seat on the last possible flight. Mom, Dad, and Bridgette left on an earlier flight but there weren't enough seats, so I had to stay and wait for another plane. The next flight was overbooked, and the one after that was full as well. So I waited anxiously, trying to surrender my will to His. And the Lord proved once again that He cannot be outdone in generosity! I secured a seat on the only direct flight and met the others in the LA airport.
* A passenger seated next to me on the plane struck up a conversation that eventually led to discussion of the differences between Roman Catholicism and Greek Orthodox, the need for confession, the rules against women priests and marriage of priests, etc. I was so proud to defend my faith and thankful for my little knowledge of apologetics and Scripture. We discussed my plans with FOCUS and I was hopeful that he might offer a donation or at least a form of contact for the future, but it was not in God's will, at least not at this time. Who knows, that may not be the last I hear from him! I felt very grateful for this chance to evangelize. What adventures these two years of missionary work will bring!
* I'd started a novena to St. Therese a few days before the trip. I usually don't do them but had picked up a prayer card at St. John's. Wasn't even counting the days, just using any source of prayer and comfort I could find in those dark hours. On Saturday, I realized that I'd already "received" roses in several forms that day - my mom had pointed some out, and then my dad decided to stop in a local church...dedicated to none other than St. Therese of the Child Jesus. Still, these both occurred to me in hindsight and didn't feel "real." No, I'm the kind of girl who needs a slap in the face, not just gentle hints. So I waited.
* We attended Mass that evening at St. Kateri Tekakwitha. When you enter the church and look to your right, there is a little devotion area in honor of Our Lady of Guadalupe, complete with statues of both the Blessed Mother and Juan Diego and, of course, roses. This was the sign! St. Therese knows my faith is the size of a mustard seed. A single rose carried by a passerby or displayed in a window might not be enough, so she sent me the greatest, most miraculous collection of roses in all of history! Thank you, Little Flower, for petitioning Our Lord on my behalf. I know all is in His hands.
* And finally, the rosaries, the lit candles, the sorrowful pleadings in prayer...our Blessed Mother heard them all and presented them to her Son. And He listened. Paul is safe from the feared injustices and wrongful accusations, and all is not as hopeless as it seemed. I am, of course, continuing my prayers for him, as he so desperately needs to recognize Christ and return to the sacraments. But I know now that God is not just watching him from afar. No, my loving Father is keeping Paul safe from harm, carrying him in the palm of His Hand and sending His angels to guard him in all his ways.
My sweet Jesus, I adore You. I thank You. I praise you.
St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle!
* I almost got left behind. I was given the last seat on the last possible flight. Mom, Dad, and Bridgette left on an earlier flight but there weren't enough seats, so I had to stay and wait for another plane. The next flight was overbooked, and the one after that was full as well. So I waited anxiously, trying to surrender my will to His. And the Lord proved once again that He cannot be outdone in generosity! I secured a seat on the only direct flight and met the others in the LA airport.
* A passenger seated next to me on the plane struck up a conversation that eventually led to discussion of the differences between Roman Catholicism and Greek Orthodox, the need for confession, the rules against women priests and marriage of priests, etc. I was so proud to defend my faith and thankful for my little knowledge of apologetics and Scripture. We discussed my plans with FOCUS and I was hopeful that he might offer a donation or at least a form of contact for the future, but it was not in God's will, at least not at this time. Who knows, that may not be the last I hear from him! I felt very grateful for this chance to evangelize. What adventures these two years of missionary work will bring!
* I'd started a novena to St. Therese a few days before the trip. I usually don't do them but had picked up a prayer card at St. John's. Wasn't even counting the days, just using any source of prayer and comfort I could find in those dark hours. On Saturday, I realized that I'd already "received" roses in several forms that day - my mom had pointed some out, and then my dad decided to stop in a local church...dedicated to none other than St. Therese of the Child Jesus. Still, these both occurred to me in hindsight and didn't feel "real." No, I'm the kind of girl who needs a slap in the face, not just gentle hints. So I waited.
* We attended Mass that evening at St. Kateri Tekakwitha. When you enter the church and look to your right, there is a little devotion area in honor of Our Lady of Guadalupe, complete with statues of both the Blessed Mother and Juan Diego and, of course, roses. This was the sign! St. Therese knows my faith is the size of a mustard seed. A single rose carried by a passerby or displayed in a window might not be enough, so she sent me the greatest, most miraculous collection of roses in all of history! Thank you, Little Flower, for petitioning Our Lord on my behalf. I know all is in His hands.
* And finally, the rosaries, the lit candles, the sorrowful pleadings in prayer...our Blessed Mother heard them all and presented them to her Son. And He listened. Paul is safe from the feared injustices and wrongful accusations, and all is not as hopeless as it seemed. I am, of course, continuing my prayers for him, as he so desperately needs to recognize Christ and return to the sacraments. But I know now that God is not just watching him from afar. No, my loving Father is keeping Paul safe from harm, carrying him in the palm of His Hand and sending His angels to guard him in all his ways.
My sweet Jesus, I adore You. I thank You. I praise you.
St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day 22: Choosing to follow
First reading today from Deuteronomy - "I have set before you life and death... Choose life!"
Gospel from Luke - "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me."
I know this won't be an easy weekend. I'm scared of having to miss morning Mass on Friday and Saturday because of our trip to California. Lord, give me Your strength when I can't receive You in the Eucharist. Come to my aid, make haste to help me!
I choose...life.
Gospel from Luke - "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me."
I know this won't be an easy weekend. I'm scared of having to miss morning Mass on Friday and Saturday because of our trip to California. Lord, give me Your strength when I can't receive You in the Eucharist. Come to my aid, make haste to help me!
I choose...life.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Day 21: From ashes
Attended Ash Wednesday Mass this morning. I didn't sleep well last night -- Paul's been unjustly accused and may suffer punishment accordingly. It's just not fair, and I'm trying to see God's hand in it all but this is hard. His faith is already so weak, his despair increasing, and being found guilty of something he had no part in is only going to make him more jaded and angry at the world, it seems.
Lord Jesus, I believe that you have a plan for him -- for his welfare, not for destruction. Do not abandon him in his hour of greatest need. Mary, Mother of God, cover him in your mantle. Plead for him to your Divine Son, Who can never refuse you.
Jesus, I want to live for You, if only for today. Help me rise above the ashes to become the person You have created me to be.
Lord Jesus, I believe that you have a plan for him -- for his welfare, not for destruction. Do not abandon him in his hour of greatest need. Mary, Mother of God, cover him in your mantle. Plead for him to your Divine Son, Who can never refuse you.
Jesus, I want to live for You, if only for today. Help me rise above the ashes to become the person You have created me to be.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Day 20: Making a change
Fr. Hector gave me advice today regarding improvement of our spiritual lives. He said that it's not really possible, even with good intentions, to immediately change habits. His smoking habit, for instance, was hard to break. When he finally turned it over to God after manmade "cures" didn't help, he was able to give it up, but it wasn't easy. He approached it one day at a time, telling God that "just for today" he would not smoke. Gradually, his need to smoke decreased, and now it's not even a passing thought in his mind. But the point was that he had to focus only on the present day and not look ahead. How easy it is for me to become overwhelmed when looking at my life as a whole! I feel as though I've failed before I've even begun because the road before me stretches farther than I can see. But, just for today, Lord, I will live for You!
This idea of course is reminiscent of the verse from Matthew -- Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself -- but it also reminds me of this "Decalogue for Daily Living":
1. Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.
2. Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.
3. Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.
4. Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.
5. Only for today, I will devote ten minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.
6. Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.
7. Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and it my feelings are hurt, I will make sure no one notices.
8. Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.
9. Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.
10. Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness.
Indeed, for twelve hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life. Bl. Pope John XXIII
What a beautiful prayer if said meaningfully every day. Which reminds me, Fr. Lou challenged me to pray the Litany of Humility each day. Maybe these are to be my Lenten prayers.
This idea of course is reminiscent of the verse from Matthew -- Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself -- but it also reminds me of this "Decalogue for Daily Living":
1. Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.
2. Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.
3. Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.
4. Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.
5. Only for today, I will devote ten minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.
6. Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.
7. Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and it my feelings are hurt, I will make sure no one notices.
8. Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.
9. Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.
10. Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness.
Indeed, for twelve hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life. Bl. Pope John XXIII
Monday, March 7, 2011
Day 19: Moderation
...will be the theme of my Lent this year. I have none and thus must practice for 40 days. I'm looking forward to this but am also very scared, since I know the limits of my own humanity.
Moderation in eating - no desserts, only healthy (fruit, veggie, yogurt) snacks outside of meals
Moderation in freetime - only 1 hour per day on the internet for all my blogging, recipe searching, etc.
These are the two areas in which I struggle the most. In past Lents I've completely cut out certain elements, like facebook, blogs, and food in-between meals, but this hasn't helped me in the long run. I always return to my bad habits. I want to focus more on Christ, which I think I can accomplish if I stop using the internet as a distractor and food as a filler for my boredom, a comfort for my worry, an escape from my problems.
Not sure yet what to do regarding my spiritual life, since I've already added several forms of daily prayer. The Rosary, Meeting Christ in Prayer, daily Mass, semi-regular Adoration... maybe just be more attentive to them?
Moderation in eating - no desserts, only healthy (fruit, veggie, yogurt) snacks outside of meals
Moderation in freetime - only 1 hour per day on the internet for all my blogging, recipe searching, etc.
These are the two areas in which I struggle the most. In past Lents I've completely cut out certain elements, like facebook, blogs, and food in-between meals, but this hasn't helped me in the long run. I always return to my bad habits. I want to focus more on Christ, which I think I can accomplish if I stop using the internet as a distractor and food as a filler for my boredom, a comfort for my worry, an escape from my problems.
Not sure yet what to do regarding my spiritual life, since I've already added several forms of daily prayer. The Rosary, Meeting Christ in Prayer, daily Mass, semi-regular Adoration... maybe just be more attentive to them?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Day 18: Sharing other's sorrow
Finally got a full night's sleep -- praise God for rest! Feeling refreshed and hoping to get work done today.
Heavy-hearted today. Paul texted me at 1a.m. his time. His roommate is causing problems and got them kicked out of the room last night. I'm so angry and sad for him, praying hard that justice will be served and that this won't cost him next weekend's leave. He's already so broken, Lord; don't let this bring him down even more.
Stayed after Mass this morning to pray my rosary and was pleasantly surprised to find that the St. John's Rosary group gathers immediately after the 8:45 Mass. I was able to concentrate so much better while praying with them instead of by myself.
Making CCM dinner tonight, then helping out with cleanup after the coffeehouse at St. John's. Jesus, be in my thoughts, on my lips, and in my heart today. Bring peace and forgiveness to Paul's heart.
*********************************
Tonight was a lot of fun....no, really! I forgot how much I enjoy doing service at a parish. I showed up at 5 and helped Paul unwrap tablecloths, set out tealights in hurricane lamps, and place all the food on trays. I served cookies to everyone once the coffeehouse began, then got to sit back and enjoy the music. Four seminarians make up the acapella group, "Sixtus." They're fantastic! All genres of music made for a nice variety, and they added a plug for vocations.
Afterwards I talked with one of the seminarians. We discussed my upcoming plans and discernment and then he suggested that we pray together. I love that and hope that one day as a missionary I will be able to do the same. He prayed that God might burn not me but the chaff that is around me. I'd never heard that before, but I like the image. May I do everything for Our Lord!
*********************************
Tonight was a lot of fun....no, really! I forgot how much I enjoy doing service at a parish. I showed up at 5 and helped Paul unwrap tablecloths, set out tealights in hurricane lamps, and place all the food on trays. I served cookies to everyone once the coffeehouse began, then got to sit back and enjoy the music. Four seminarians make up the acapella group, "Sixtus." They're fantastic! All genres of music made for a nice variety, and they added a plug for vocations.
Afterwards I talked with one of the seminarians. We discussed my upcoming plans and discernment and then he suggested that we pray together. I love that and hope that one day as a missionary I will be able to do the same. He prayed that God might burn not me but the chaff that is around me. I'd never heard that before, but I like the image. May I do everything for Our Lord!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Day 17: Rest for the soul
Getting up this morning for Mass was a little harder than usual, but I knew I had no choice...it's Saturday! I love this Mass at St. John's because of the devotion to Our Lady. The priest wears a white chasuble with blue accents and the deacon has a white stole with a small picture of Mary near the shoulder. My favorite part is that, at the end of Mass, we sing the first verse of "Immaculate Mary" a cappella. Maybe I love it so much because it's the only form of music we have other than at Sunday Mass -- what a beautiful tribute to our Blessed Mother! Very simple yet radiant, just like her.
I know that I need to go to confession today; it's been two weeks and I won't be able to go next weekend. When we were kids, Mum took us every two months. In recent years I'd been trying to go once a month, but these days it seems like my spiritual strength lasts only about 2 1/2 or 3 weeks and then I can feel myself start to slip away. It still makes me quite anxious, unfortunately, so I know I'll have a nervous stomach for all of today, but at least by this evening I'll be filled again with God's grace.
My goal for today is to be productive -- work on my senior paper! -- and to practice moderation in eating. I know Lent isn't for four days but I really need to address this now rather than waiting. Dearest Jesus, bring light to the darkness of my heart today.
I know that I need to go to confession today; it's been two weeks and I won't be able to go next weekend. When we were kids, Mum took us every two months. In recent years I'd been trying to go once a month, but these days it seems like my spiritual strength lasts only about 2 1/2 or 3 weeks and then I can feel myself start to slip away. It still makes me quite anxious, unfortunately, so I know I'll have a nervous stomach for all of today, but at least by this evening I'll be filled again with God's grace.
My goal for today is to be productive -- work on my senior paper! -- and to practice moderation in eating. I know Lent isn't for four days but I really need to address this now rather than waiting. Dearest Jesus, bring light to the darkness of my heart today.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Day 16: Living in the light
What joy this is! To live in the light of Christ every day, to share in His greatest sacrifice of the Mass, to receive Him - Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. To know that in every moment I am doing my best to act according to the motions of the Spirit.
Mass this morning with the school children. I was there early to say my Rosary for Paul and stayed afterward to read from I Believe in Love. I've been too long away from that book and forgot how pleasing it is to unite my heart to the Heart of Jesus.
I hope it's not silly to keep bringing up the same topics, but I really do continue to feel called to be a religious. I just can't see living any other way, without the graces of daily Mass, Adoration, spiritual reading, work in the service of God, and community with like-minded souls. What could be closer to heaven on earth?
Jesus, remove all vanity and pride from my heart. Fill me with only holy desires. Strengthen me as I seek to know and do Your will. Amen.
Mass this morning with the school children. I was there early to say my Rosary for Paul and stayed afterward to read from I Believe in Love. I've been too long away from that book and forgot how pleasing it is to unite my heart to the Heart of Jesus.
I hope it's not silly to keep bringing up the same topics, but I really do continue to feel called to be a religious. I just can't see living any other way, without the graces of daily Mass, Adoration, spiritual reading, work in the service of God, and community with like-minded souls. What could be closer to heaven on earth?
Jesus, remove all vanity and pride from my heart. Fill me with only holy desires. Strengthen me as I seek to know and do Your will. Amen.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Day 15: Of friends and counselors
Today was a good day.
I didn't write any of my senior paper. That will come
I didn't read the neuroscience articles. All in good time.
I didn't improve my score in bowling class. Need more practice.
I didn't get very much accomplished in the way of the world at all.
But I did attend morning Mass with three friends.
I did invite those friends to a homemade pancake breakfast in my apartment.
I did have a deep and gratifying discussion of vocation discernment with Matt.
I did listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, call up an old friend, and catch up on her life.
I did pray a Scriptural Rosary with Matt and have a heart to heart about our spiritual growth.
I am going to CCM's Meeting Christ in Prayer/Adoration hour tonight.
I am going to the Adoration chapel in the wee hours of the night/morning to help cover our shift.
All in all, this has been a very successful day, at least in a spiritual sense. And that is what matters the most to me. It brings me great joy to spend a day like this, though I must admit there's always a lingering feeling of anxiety in the back of my mind, knowing that there is so much I have to do if I want to receive a diploma in just a few short months. But I believe that God is looking after me, and I know that I can do all of this with His help.
I only wish that every day could be like this one. That I could use every moment to bring glory to God and to learn how best to know, love, and serve Him. Lord, teach me Your ways!
I didn't write any of my senior paper. That will come
I didn't read the neuroscience articles. All in good time.
I didn't improve my score in bowling class. Need more practice.
I didn't get very much accomplished in the way of the world at all.
But I did attend morning Mass with three friends.
I did invite those friends to a homemade pancake breakfast in my apartment.
I did have a deep and gratifying discussion of vocation discernment with Matt.
I did listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, call up an old friend, and catch up on her life.
I did pray a Scriptural Rosary with Matt and have a heart to heart about our spiritual growth.
I am going to CCM's Meeting Christ in Prayer/Adoration hour tonight.
I am going to the Adoration chapel in the wee hours of the night/morning to help cover our shift.
All in all, this has been a very successful day, at least in a spiritual sense. And that is what matters the most to me. It brings me great joy to spend a day like this, though I must admit there's always a lingering feeling of anxiety in the back of my mind, knowing that there is so much I have to do if I want to receive a diploma in just a few short months. But I believe that God is looking after me, and I know that I can do all of this with His help.
I only wish that every day could be like this one. That I could use every moment to bring glory to God and to learn how best to know, love, and serve Him. Lord, teach me Your ways!
Words of St. Teresa of Avila
There are some...whom the Lord called out of a world of much vanity and ostentation where they could have been satisfied in conformity with its laws. And the Lord has so doubled their joys in this house that they realized clearly He has given them a hundred joys for every one they left. And they can't get enough of thanking His Majesty. With others, He has changed what was good into something better. To those who are young He gives fortitude and knowledge so that they are unable to desire anything else, and they understand that to be detached from all the things of life is to live in the greatest calm, even in regard to earthly things. To those who are older and have poor health He gives strength, and He gives them the power to bear the austerity and penance the others do.
O my Lord, how obvious it is that You are almighty! There's no need to look for reasons for what You want. For, beyond all natural reason, You make things so possible that You manifest clearly there's no need for anything more than truly to love You and truly to leave all for You, so that You, my Lord, may make everything easy...
They who really love You, my God, walk safely on a broad and royal road. They are far from the precipice. Hardly have they begun to stumble when You, Lord, give them Your hand. One fall is not sufficient for a person to be lost, nor are many, if they love You and not the things of the world. They journey in the valley of humility. I cannot understand what it is that makes people afraid of setting out on the road of perfection. May the Lord, because of who He is, give us understanding of how wretched is the security that lies in such manifest dangers as following the crowd and how true security lies in striving to make progress on the road of God. Let them turn their eyes to Him and not fear the setting of this Sun of Justice, nor, if we don't first abandon Him, will He allow us to walk at night and go astray.
O my Lord, how obvious it is that You are almighty! There's no need to look for reasons for what You want. For, beyond all natural reason, You make things so possible that You manifest clearly there's no need for anything more than truly to love You and truly to leave all for You, so that You, my Lord, may make everything easy...
They who really love You, my God, walk safely on a broad and royal road. They are far from the precipice. Hardly have they begun to stumble when You, Lord, give them Your hand. One fall is not sufficient for a person to be lost, nor are many, if they love You and not the things of the world. They journey in the valley of humility. I cannot understand what it is that makes people afraid of setting out on the road of perfection. May the Lord, because of who He is, give us understanding of how wretched is the security that lies in such manifest dangers as following the crowd and how true security lies in striving to make progress on the road of God. Let them turn their eyes to Him and not fear the setting of this Sun of Justice, nor, if we don't first abandon Him, will He allow us to walk at night and go astray.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Day 14: Time with Jesus
In the middle of the night, I had a frightening dream - a dark shadow was approaching me, and I knew it to be the personification of evil. It came closer and closer, and just as it reached me I gasped/screamed and woke myself up. I was terrified and turned my face to the side. Closing my eyes again, the darkness was all gone, and instead my whole mind and vision was filled with a strong light, not blinding but somehow warm.
This scares me a little, but it's comforting to know that Christ was present with me. Usually a bad dream will stay with me and I won't be able to get images out of my head, but this time it was completely removed and replaced with...light? heavenly peace?
I went to Mass early this morning for some extra prayer time, and I'd like to start doing this more often. Spoke with Sister afterwards, then talked to Mrs. Walsh. Apparently her daughter went to Mdes, and her fellow Carmelite, Miss Judy, taught at Gibbons. So all this time, Mrs. Walsh has known about me and about Mum's work at CG, and I had no idea. I feel a little silly but blessed that we're all connected in this way.
I need to get so much work done today. Jesus, be my strength!
This scares me a little, but it's comforting to know that Christ was present with me. Usually a bad dream will stay with me and I won't be able to get images out of my head, but this time it was completely removed and replaced with...light? heavenly peace?
I went to Mass early this morning for some extra prayer time, and I'd like to start doing this more often. Spoke with Sister afterwards, then talked to Mrs. Walsh. Apparently her daughter went to Mdes, and her fellow Carmelite, Miss Judy, taught at Gibbons. So all this time, Mrs. Walsh has known about me and about Mum's work at CG, and I had no idea. I feel a little silly but blessed that we're all connected in this way.
I need to get so much work done today. Jesus, be my strength!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Day 13: Strength in weakness
I was definitely not planning on attending Mass this morning. Having gone to bed around 3:30, I knew I couldn't function on 3.5 hours of sleep. I knew how horrible I'd feel in the morning and fully intended to text Matt when my 7am alarm went off and apologize for not coming.
But when I woke at 7, I had quite the surprise. I didn't feel as though I'd been hit by a truck. My body didn't ache with exhaustion. On the contrary, it was as though my body was telling me, "Get up, let's go!"
This isn't due to exercise, healthy eating, vitamins, minerals, or anything of that sort. No, this was God giving me His strength because He knew that I would need to receive Him in word and sacrament in order to make it through the day.
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong. [2 Cor 12:9-10]
But when I woke at 7, I had quite the surprise. I didn't feel as though I'd been hit by a truck. My body didn't ache with exhaustion. On the contrary, it was as though my body was telling me, "Get up, let's go!"
This isn't due to exercise, healthy eating, vitamins, minerals, or anything of that sort. No, this was God giving me His strength because He knew that I would need to receive Him in word and sacrament in order to make it through the day.
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong. [2 Cor 12:9-10]
Monday, February 28, 2011
Day 12: Joy in the sacred
How do I put this as simply as possible? I love being Catholic. Serious Catholic. Daily Mass-attending Catholic. Fit-in-more-with-old-ladies-than-with-my-peers Catholic.
How do I put this without sounding prideful, holier-than-thou, or as though I'm getting ahead of myself? I want to be a Dominican sister. To fill myself with Him daily so that I can empty myself out to others in service of Him.
This morning I went to Mass at St. John's (home), then stayed for the rosary. If only I had no obligations but to grow in the love of Christ. I'm sorry, Jesus -- it's hard for me to see the meaning behind Your plan for me here at college. I just want to give up all in pursuit of You! Not that I'm dreading FOCUS, since I know it will change me entirely and help me be holy, but it makes my heart a little sad to know that I have to wait two years before I can actively discern. Of course this is providential, since I may even discover a call to the married life while I'm a missionary, but at the moment it's a little difficult to accept.
O Lord, give me strength to persevere in these last few months! Holy Spirit, fill me with courage.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Day 11: Callings
I didn't go to Mass this morning since I went to yesterday's vigil Mass. I need to work on taking better care of myself physically; both Dean and Fr. Lou mentioned that yesterday, and it's something I don't usually consider, but our physical health is so clearly tied in with our spiritual health. I wasn't able to focus yesterday on the rosary, couldn't give my full attention at Mass, and didn't get to the daily lectio divina because I was exhausted from having gotten only four hours of sleep the night before, and not much better on previous nights.
Went up to church today for a rosary and my own prayer time. Mrs. Cohn asked that I write down my thoughts on why Lifeteen is necessary for St. John's youth group. It's amazing to see how all my experiences are beginning to fall together. The research that I'm conducting, my future work as a college missionary, my current position as CCM president, the struggles that my brother is presently going through, and now this planning committee at my home parish are all focused on the same idea. I'm glad I can offer them advice. Reminds me of God's words to Jeremiah:
"Say not, 'I am too young.' To whomever I send you, you shall go; whatever I command you, you shall speak."
Our society seems to be maturing more slowly these days. We are called at a young age to contribute our labors and intelligence to the greater community, but we often protest that we can be of little use. Ask someone older, wiser, more experienced. Not us, for we do not know how to speak. This is a paralyzing worry, since our fear of inadequacy prevents us from trying at all. Why can't we simply trust that God will speak through us?
"Then the Lord extended His hand and touched my mouth, saying, "See, I place My words in your mouth!"
A note on vocations:
I've been struggling with this concern for weeks now, unsure what life God is ultimately calling me to. I finally, through wise mentorship, recognized that it is not for me to know at this time. I am just called to be faithful in my current circumstances.
Today, though, the thoughts began again. What if I'm meant to be a Dominican? How beautiful it would be to sing His praises...to spend hours in silent prayer...even to be a spiritual mother through instruction of children. How I would love to wear the habit, to be a concrete representation of God's work on earth! How removed I am from our society. How beautiful it would be to share my love for cooking and simultaneously serve my fellow sisters. To have those strong bonds with other religious who are also working towards His kingdom.
As I tried to remind myself that this is not the time, that I should not expect God to reveal anything to me until later, I realized how silly that is. What if He is revealing it to me, right in this moment? My feelings about FOCUS, that it was too good to be true, that no real job could possibly provide such joy -- this is somewhat similar. If thinking about FOCUS and being with the other missionaries makes me genuinely happy, and if I recognize that joy as coming from God, then why am I reluctant to believe that the Dominican Order, which also brings me joy, may be part of God's plan for my life?
God, save me from my pride. Any human desires that do not come from You, please remove them from my heart and instead fill me with Your own desires for my life.
Went up to church today for a rosary and my own prayer time. Mrs. Cohn asked that I write down my thoughts on why Lifeteen is necessary for St. John's youth group. It's amazing to see how all my experiences are beginning to fall together. The research that I'm conducting, my future work as a college missionary, my current position as CCM president, the struggles that my brother is presently going through, and now this planning committee at my home parish are all focused on the same idea. I'm glad I can offer them advice. Reminds me of God's words to Jeremiah:
"Say not, 'I am too young.' To whomever I send you, you shall go; whatever I command you, you shall speak."
Our society seems to be maturing more slowly these days. We are called at a young age to contribute our labors and intelligence to the greater community, but we often protest that we can be of little use. Ask someone older, wiser, more experienced. Not us, for we do not know how to speak. This is a paralyzing worry, since our fear of inadequacy prevents us from trying at all. Why can't we simply trust that God will speak through us?
"Then the Lord extended His hand and touched my mouth, saying, "See, I place My words in your mouth!"
A note on vocations:
I've been struggling with this concern for weeks now, unsure what life God is ultimately calling me to. I finally, through wise mentorship, recognized that it is not for me to know at this time. I am just called to be faithful in my current circumstances.
Today, though, the thoughts began again. What if I'm meant to be a Dominican? How beautiful it would be to sing His praises...to spend hours in silent prayer...even to be a spiritual mother through instruction of children. How I would love to wear the habit, to be a concrete representation of God's work on earth! How removed I am from our society. How beautiful it would be to share my love for cooking and simultaneously serve my fellow sisters. To have those strong bonds with other religious who are also working towards His kingdom.
As I tried to remind myself that this is not the time, that I should not expect God to reveal anything to me until later, I realized how silly that is. What if He is revealing it to me, right in this moment? My feelings about FOCUS, that it was too good to be true, that no real job could possibly provide such joy -- this is somewhat similar. If thinking about FOCUS and being with the other missionaries makes me genuinely happy, and if I recognize that joy as coming from God, then why am I reluctant to believe that the Dominican Order, which also brings me joy, may be part of God's plan for my life?
God, save me from my pride. Any human desires that do not come from You, please remove them from my heart and instead fill me with Your own desires for my life.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Day 10: Renewal
I am completely exhausted - physically, emotionally, and spiritually (though in a positive way as a result of all the spiritual growth I've been doing lately). Today was good, and even great except for the constant, nagging worry about Paul. I can't seem to shake those feelings.
Morning Mass, then to IHOP with Matt and Oliver. Back to the parish center to set up for the mini-retreat. We had three students come with Emma from Stevenson, and there were five of us from McDaniel. Fr. Lou talked about discernment of God's will, and Dean spoke about going against the flow of our culture.
Adoration was a gift. I walked in last and there was no place to sit except the last pew, but someone was already taking up the part with the kneeler, so all that was left was the bench piece that extends across to the middle of the back wall of the chapel. I genuflected and sat down, and almost gasped at what I saw. I was face-to-face with Jesus in the Eucharist. I've always sat on one side or the other, but now I was dead center and couldn't do much about it. And without a kneeler, I didn't have much of a choice but to sit, to remain still and let God love me. I want to learn silence, though I think it will take some time to cultivate it.
I'll write tomorrow when I'm coherent again.
Lord Jesus, I love You with all of my heart.
Morning Mass, then to IHOP with Matt and Oliver. Back to the parish center to set up for the mini-retreat. We had three students come with Emma from Stevenson, and there were five of us from McDaniel. Fr. Lou talked about discernment of God's will, and Dean spoke about going against the flow of our culture.
Adoration was a gift. I walked in last and there was no place to sit except the last pew, but someone was already taking up the part with the kneeler, so all that was left was the bench piece that extends across to the middle of the back wall of the chapel. I genuflected and sat down, and almost gasped at what I saw. I was face-to-face with Jesus in the Eucharist. I've always sat on one side or the other, but now I was dead center and couldn't do much about it. And without a kneeler, I didn't have much of a choice but to sit, to remain still and let God love me. I want to learn silence, though I think it will take some time to cultivate it.
I'll write tomorrow when I'm coherent again.
Lord Jesus, I love You with all of my heart.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Day 9: Prayers and tears
Feeling heartbroken this morning. I texted Paul last night to see how he's been doing, but I didn't expect him to really open up to me. It sounds like he's hurting, a lot. Taking lots of tests, dealing with his girlfriend's stresses, and just plain missing home. But the worst of it is that he's losing his faith. He said he's a completely different person now than before joining the Marines, that he feels like he has two separate identities, and that he doesn't know what he believes in anymore. He feels spiritual but not religious and doesn't agree with the rule/ritual aspect of religion. But at the same time, he is very tangibly feeling the effects of evil and is struggling with how to fight that. More details are too hard for me to type right now.
Lord, heal my aching heart! I kept crying through parts of Mass this morning. I know many people would tell me this is common and that he'll come back, but I'm frightened. He's so lost and depressed and is grappling for anything that might help, but somehow he can't see that simply returning to church and to God can change everything! The evil one is becoming very real to him, and I pray that this fearful understanding will spark a conversion in him.
Lord God, protect my little brother. Mother Mary, cover him with your mantle, for he needs you now more than ever. As of today I'm starting a daily rosary for Paul, and I know that you cannot refuse one of your children. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, do not abandon him!
St. Michael, protector of the Marines, pray for us!
Lord, heal my aching heart! I kept crying through parts of Mass this morning. I know many people would tell me this is common and that he'll come back, but I'm frightened. He's so lost and depressed and is grappling for anything that might help, but somehow he can't see that simply returning to church and to God can change everything! The evil one is becoming very real to him, and I pray that this fearful understanding will spark a conversion in him.
Lord God, protect my little brother. Mother Mary, cover him with your mantle, for he needs you now more than ever. As of today I'm starting a daily rosary for Paul, and I know that you cannot refuse one of your children. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, do not abandon him!
St. Michael, protector of the Marines, pray for us!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The cry of my heart
My past won't stop haunting me
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be
This thorn in my side is a grace
For because of it the flesh and blood of God
Was offered in my place, my place
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Where did my best friends go?
In my defense they disappeared
Just like Your friends did to You, O Lord
But You were there, You gave me strength
So this little one might come to know
The glory of Your name, Your name
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me
[Matt Maher, Empty and Beautiful]
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be
This thorn in my side is a grace
For because of it the flesh and blood of God
Was offered in my place, my place
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Where did my best friends go?
In my defense they disappeared
Just like Your friends did to You, O Lord
But You were there, You gave me strength
So this little one might come to know
The glory of Your name, Your name
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me
[Matt Maher, Empty and Beautiful]
Day 8: Cutting it out
Today's Gospel was from Mark, though we heard the same story from Matthew's perspective this past Sunday. Jesus tells the disciples that if their hand or foot causes them to sin, they should cut it off. Fr. Ray commented that if we took this reading literally, cutting off a limb every time we sinned, "we'd be a lot smaller." We all seem to agree that Jesus isn't asking us to maim our bodies, but I think we have a tendency to take this reading too lightly.
Lord, what are You asking me to cut out of my life? I have many daily habits, many of which are not sinful but still do not give You glory. Immoderation always seems to be my downfall, whether in my diet, my time spent on the internet, or my relationships with others. I recently read an article by a Lifeteen missionary who decided to get rid of his Facebook account. It impressed me that he chose to take a rather drastic route instead of just making a commitment to spend less time on it. He recognized that, for him at least, it encouraged vanity and was an addiction that did not give glory to God. From past experience, he knew that he would not have the self-control to maintain the account in a more moderate fashion, so he cut it out entirely.
Lent begins in just a few short weeks. How can I better myself or make better use of my time? How can I repay the Lord for all the good done for me?
Lord, what are You asking me to cut out of my life? I have many daily habits, many of which are not sinful but still do not give You glory. Immoderation always seems to be my downfall, whether in my diet, my time spent on the internet, or my relationships with others. I recently read an article by a Lifeteen missionary who decided to get rid of his Facebook account. It impressed me that he chose to take a rather drastic route instead of just making a commitment to spend less time on it. He recognized that, for him at least, it encouraged vanity and was an addiction that did not give glory to God. From past experience, he knew that he would not have the self-control to maintain the account in a more moderate fashion, so he cut it out entirely.
Lent begins in just a few short weeks. How can I better myself or make better use of my time? How can I repay the Lord for all the good done for me?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Day 7: Gather us in
This morning's Gospel was the story of the apostles informing Jesus that they tried to keep a man from casting out demons since he was not a follower. So often I have done the same! Lord, this man is not Catholic. This woman does not attend Mass or even read the Bible. These people offend you with immoral acts. They cannot be part of us. How prideful I am! What ignorance, to think that they must love God less than I do, or that God does not value us all equally.
I remember very specifically periods when I have struggled with understanding our place in God's kingdom. We are all so different and come from various walks of life. But, in his homily this morning, Fr. Hector referenced the words of John Paul the Great, who said that we must recognize what we have in common with others rather than looking for our differences. Just think:
God created us all in His image. Male and female He created them. No person on earth does not fall into the category of a created human being.
Our first parents sinned, and thus have we all sinned. We are all fallen beings. (Except for Mary, obviously.)
The Father sent His Son to bring salvation to His people. A single drop of His blood would save the entire human race, and yet He allowed Himself to be sacrificed that we might have life. All of us have been saved.
Jesus's reply to the apostles is clear and simple:
There is no one who performs a mighty deed in My name who can at the same time speak ill of Me. For whoever is not against us is for us.
How wonderful if we could all live with an understanding of our shared inheritance as children of the Father. I definitely need to improve in this area -- locally (family, friends, acquaintances), globally, and ecumenically. Lord, give me purity of heart to see Your beautiful design in all people. Wonderful are Your works!
I remember very specifically periods when I have struggled with understanding our place in God's kingdom. We are all so different and come from various walks of life. But, in his homily this morning, Fr. Hector referenced the words of John Paul the Great, who said that we must recognize what we have in common with others rather than looking for our differences. Just think:
God created us all in His image. Male and female He created them. No person on earth does not fall into the category of a created human being.
Our first parents sinned, and thus have we all sinned. We are all fallen beings. (Except for Mary, obviously.)
The Father sent His Son to bring salvation to His people. A single drop of His blood would save the entire human race, and yet He allowed Himself to be sacrificed that we might have life. All of us have been saved.
Jesus's reply to the apostles is clear and simple:
There is no one who performs a mighty deed in My name who can at the same time speak ill of Me. For whoever is not against us is for us.
How wonderful if we could all live with an understanding of our shared inheritance as children of the Father. I definitely need to improve in this area -- locally (family, friends, acquaintances), globally, and ecumenically. Lord, give me purity of heart to see Your beautiful design in all people. Wonderful are Your works!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The little ones
Who will care for My children? Who will love them?
The orphaned, the weak, the poor, the lonely. The unloved.
Not unloveable. No, Lord, You do not create any of us to be so, for You love us all equally and have made us all in Your image.
But there are so many of Your little ones left alone, abandoned in all countries of the world because they were unwanted or uncared for.
Who will care for them? Whom shall I send?
I will go, Lord. I will love them and want them and care for them. Every doubt, every possible exception is removed when You but call. I do not have much, my Lord. I desire to live simply and to love fully and to grow holy in Your sight. But I can do all that and still answer the call that You have chosen. All I need is Your grace, and I know that You will provide for all my material needs. Lord, show me Your will. I want only and always to please You.
Whether I can best serve You in a convent, or in a school, or in the home, I do not know. But I know that I am prepared to do any of these things. O Lord, do not forsake the work of Your hands!
* * * * * * * *
Thank God for Teresa, good friend and missionary sister in Christ! So blessed to talk to her today, someone who understands my heart cry and has been through it all before. Someone who is experiencing the same anxiety about the future and can pass on words of wisdom that she received: it's about "faithfulness, not feelings." Being faithful in the little things is sometimes the hardest because it can be difficult to see God's will. No, writing this paper won't save poor children starving in Africa. It won't convert any college students in the Midwest (not right now, anyway). But it is where He has placed me in this moment, and how hypocritical I would be to not accept His will with gratitude. All for You, my Jesus!
It's true what Leah said, that it's the life of a missionary having to say goodbye to good friends, only catching up with them in passing, not knowing when you may see or hear from them next. But I am so blest to be called to this life in my near future, and so I will do all I can to please Him today.
The orphaned, the weak, the poor, the lonely. The unloved.
Not unloveable. No, Lord, You do not create any of us to be so, for You love us all equally and have made us all in Your image.
But there are so many of Your little ones left alone, abandoned in all countries of the world because they were unwanted or uncared for.
Who will care for them? Whom shall I send?
I will go, Lord. I will love them and want them and care for them. Every doubt, every possible exception is removed when You but call. I do not have much, my Lord. I desire to live simply and to love fully and to grow holy in Your sight. But I can do all that and still answer the call that You have chosen. All I need is Your grace, and I know that You will provide for all my material needs. Lord, show me Your will. I want only and always to please You.
Whether I can best serve You in a convent, or in a school, or in the home, I do not know. But I know that I am prepared to do any of these things. O Lord, do not forsake the work of Your hands!
* * * * * * * *
Thank God for Teresa, good friend and missionary sister in Christ! So blessed to talk to her today, someone who understands my heart cry and has been through it all before. Someone who is experiencing the same anxiety about the future and can pass on words of wisdom that she received: it's about "faithfulness, not feelings." Being faithful in the little things is sometimes the hardest because it can be difficult to see God's will. No, writing this paper won't save poor children starving in Africa. It won't convert any college students in the Midwest (not right now, anyway). But it is where He has placed me in this moment, and how hypocritical I would be to not accept His will with gratitude. All for You, my Jesus!
It's true what Leah said, that it's the life of a missionary having to say goodbye to good friends, only catching up with them in passing, not knowing when you may see or hear from them next. But I am so blest to be called to this life in my near future, and so I will do all I can to please Him today.
Day 6: Following the way
Had about 6 inches of snow last night! Morning classes were canceled -- thank you, dear Jesus!
Fr. Hector's homily was short and sweet this morning. He talked about the history of the feast of the Chair of St. Peter, that originally it was tradition for people to leave an empty chair in memory of a loved one. We now see the empty chair as the place we are called to fill. Fr. Hector said that if we know our destination, it's okay if we don't know everything that will happen along the way. We're constantly focused on moving towards God and our eternal home, so no obstacle can stand in our path. The snow this morning was an obstacle to attending Mass, yet we still came because we wanted to be present at the celebration of the Eucharist.
I like this idea, that we have an ultimate destination and everything else is just details, all of which will be taken care of by God. In the FOCUS talk by Lisa Cotter that we listened to last night, she encouraged us not to be anxious about our vocations. I felt like she was speaking directly to me, since I've been fretting so much over it lately. I so desire to be sure of God's plan for my life, but now is not the time. He will reveal all when He sees fit.
The Gospel was Jesus giving Peter the keys to the kingdom. In Peter's letter, he commands the presbyters to care for their people, "overseeing not by constraint but willingly. [...] Do not lord it over those assigned to you, but be examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd is revealed, you will receive the unfading crown of glory." I've really failed in this area, I think. I did give a good effort with CCM, at least through last year. Since then, I've been discouraged and have for the most part given it up. It saddens me because I know I'll look back on these years and say I should have done more, but I just don't have the heart for it right now. Is it fair to say that there seems to be little-to-no effort on the part of most members, even just regarding participation? I suppose that's irrelevant. God has given me this responsibility, and I must live it out to the best of my ability. Forgive me, Lord, I am but a lowly sinner. Give me strength to carry on, even when the way is difficult.
Fr. Hector's homily was short and sweet this morning. He talked about the history of the feast of the Chair of St. Peter, that originally it was tradition for people to leave an empty chair in memory of a loved one. We now see the empty chair as the place we are called to fill. Fr. Hector said that if we know our destination, it's okay if we don't know everything that will happen along the way. We're constantly focused on moving towards God and our eternal home, so no obstacle can stand in our path. The snow this morning was an obstacle to attending Mass, yet we still came because we wanted to be present at the celebration of the Eucharist.
I like this idea, that we have an ultimate destination and everything else is just details, all of which will be taken care of by God. In the FOCUS talk by Lisa Cotter that we listened to last night, she encouraged us not to be anxious about our vocations. I felt like she was speaking directly to me, since I've been fretting so much over it lately. I so desire to be sure of God's plan for my life, but now is not the time. He will reveal all when He sees fit.
The Gospel was Jesus giving Peter the keys to the kingdom. In Peter's letter, he commands the presbyters to care for their people, "overseeing not by constraint but willingly. [...] Do not lord it over those assigned to you, but be examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd is revealed, you will receive the unfading crown of glory." I've really failed in this area, I think. I did give a good effort with CCM, at least through last year. Since then, I've been discouraged and have for the most part given it up. It saddens me because I know I'll look back on these years and say I should have done more, but I just don't have the heart for it right now. Is it fair to say that there seems to be little-to-no effort on the part of most members, even just regarding participation? I suppose that's irrelevant. God has given me this responsibility, and I must live it out to the best of my ability. Forgive me, Lord, I am but a lowly sinner. Give me strength to carry on, even when the way is difficult.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Day 5: God's wisdom
A little dreary outside this morning, but still it feels good to wake up early and begin my day with Jesus. Unfortunately my mind was wandering somewhat during the homily but I picked up a few interesting points:
First reading was from Sirach on wisdom (what else?). We should pray for the wisdom to see events in our lives as God sees them, not as the world sees them. The Gospel was the story of Jesus casting out a demon from a boy. Jesus' words to His apostles, who were unable to drive it out, are, "O faithless generation how long will I be with you?" How many times have I failed to put my faith in Christ? How often have I placed limitations on God and on what He can do in my life? The deacon said our faith should be genuine, childlike, and total. I pray for faith today to allow the Spirit to move in my life and to guide me to greater wisdom.
Spoke to the third-order Carmelites today after Mass. Miss Judy and Mrs. Walsh, both very nice and approachable women, are interested in speaking to CCM. Mrs. Walsh should be coming to our meeting tonight to discuss St. Teresa of Avila, Carmelite spirituality, etc. I'm looking forward to it.
Later:
So blessed by the love of a stranger! Fr. Farmer this morning jokingly asked me if I'd found my coat yet. I told him no, and Mrs. Walsh overheard and was aghast that I had none to wear! I told her no, but it was really okay. I definitely wasn't trying to make a big deal out of it! She said, "Oh, we have so many coats at home, I'll bring you one!" I laughed and said no, really, it was fine. I thought that was the end of it.
Tonight Matt calls me to say that Mrs. Walsh is on her way to campus...with a coat for me! I couldn't believe it and felt almost guilty for having let people know, though honestly I wasn't looking for attention! So I went to pick it up from her when she dropped by, and imagine my surprise when it turns out that she didn't just bring me an old coat from home -- she bought me one!!! I'm shocked by the generosity of this woman, although I guess I shouldn't be. Isn't that how we should all act as Christians? A new friendship? I hope so. A testament to Carmelite spirituality? Without a doubt.
It just serves as yet another reminder of how much the Father loves me. If one of His children could show me such kindness, how much greater is His love, pouring out from His overflowing heart! I am so unworthy, yet He has made up for everything, yes, even bought me back through the sacrifice of His precious blood! Praise and glory, wisdom and thanks, honor and power and strength be to our God forever and ever!
First reading was from Sirach on wisdom (what else?). We should pray for the wisdom to see events in our lives as God sees them, not as the world sees them. The Gospel was the story of Jesus casting out a demon from a boy. Jesus' words to His apostles, who were unable to drive it out, are, "O faithless generation how long will I be with you?" How many times have I failed to put my faith in Christ? How often have I placed limitations on God and on what He can do in my life? The deacon said our faith should be genuine, childlike, and total. I pray for faith today to allow the Spirit to move in my life and to guide me to greater wisdom.
Spoke to the third-order Carmelites today after Mass. Miss Judy and Mrs. Walsh, both very nice and approachable women, are interested in speaking to CCM. Mrs. Walsh should be coming to our meeting tonight to discuss St. Teresa of Avila, Carmelite spirituality, etc. I'm looking forward to it.
Later:
So blessed by the love of a stranger! Fr. Farmer this morning jokingly asked me if I'd found my coat yet. I told him no, and Mrs. Walsh overheard and was aghast that I had none to wear! I told her no, but it was really okay. I definitely wasn't trying to make a big deal out of it! She said, "Oh, we have so many coats at home, I'll bring you one!" I laughed and said no, really, it was fine. I thought that was the end of it.
Tonight Matt calls me to say that Mrs. Walsh is on her way to campus...with a coat for me! I couldn't believe it and felt almost guilty for having let people know, though honestly I wasn't looking for attention! So I went to pick it up from her when she dropped by, and imagine my surprise when it turns out that she didn't just bring me an old coat from home -- she bought me one!!! I'm shocked by the generosity of this woman, although I guess I shouldn't be. Isn't that how we should all act as Christians? A new friendship? I hope so. A testament to Carmelite spirituality? Without a doubt.
It just serves as yet another reminder of how much the Father loves me. If one of His children could show me such kindness, how much greater is His love, pouring out from His overflowing heart! I am so unworthy, yet He has made up for everything, yes, even bought me back through the sacrifice of His precious blood! Praise and glory, wisdom and thanks, honor and power and strength be to our God forever and ever!
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