I didn't go to Mass this morning since I went to yesterday's vigil Mass. I need to work on taking better care of myself physically; both Dean and Fr. Lou mentioned that yesterday, and it's something I don't usually consider, but our physical health is so clearly tied in with our spiritual health. I wasn't able to focus yesterday on the rosary, couldn't give my full attention at Mass, and didn't get to the daily lectio divina because I was exhausted from having gotten only four hours of sleep the night before, and not much better on previous nights.
Went up to church today for a rosary and my own prayer time. Mrs. Cohn asked that I write down my thoughts on why Lifeteen is necessary for St. John's youth group. It's amazing to see how all my experiences are beginning to fall together. The research that I'm conducting, my future work as a college missionary, my current position as CCM president, the struggles that my brother is presently going through, and now this planning committee at my home parish are all focused on the same idea. I'm glad I can offer them advice. Reminds me of God's words to Jeremiah:
"Say not, 'I am too young.' To whomever I send you, you shall go; whatever I command you, you shall speak."
Our society seems to be maturing more slowly these days. We are called at a young age to contribute our labors and intelligence to the greater community, but we often protest that we can be of little use. Ask someone older, wiser, more experienced. Not us, for we do not know how to speak. This is a paralyzing worry, since our fear of inadequacy prevents us from trying at all. Why can't we simply trust that God will speak through us?
"Then the Lord extended His hand and touched my mouth, saying, "See, I place My words in your mouth!"
A note on vocations:
I've been struggling with this concern for weeks now, unsure what life God is ultimately calling me to. I finally, through wise mentorship, recognized that it is not for me to know at this time. I am just called to be faithful in my current circumstances.
Today, though, the thoughts began again. What if I'm meant to be a Dominican? How beautiful it would be to sing His praises...to spend hours in silent prayer...even to be a spiritual mother through instruction of children. How I would love to wear the habit, to be a concrete representation of God's work on earth! How removed I am from our society. How beautiful it would be to share my love for cooking and simultaneously serve my fellow sisters. To have those strong bonds with other religious who are also working towards His kingdom.
As I tried to remind myself that this is not the time, that I should not expect God to reveal anything to me until later, I realized how silly that is. What if He is revealing it to me, right in this moment? My feelings about FOCUS, that it was too good to be true, that no real job could possibly provide such joy -- this is somewhat similar. If thinking about FOCUS and being with the other missionaries makes me genuinely happy, and if I recognize that joy as coming from God, then why am I reluctant to believe that the Dominican Order, which also brings me joy, may be part of God's plan for my life?
God, save me from my pride. Any human desires that do not come from You, please remove them from my heart and instead fill me with Your own desires for my life.
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