Today's grace

At some points in life, it seems as though every day is a struggle.  I'm constantly battling against the forces of the evil one and the hatred caused by the fall of man.  It's in these times that I can physically feel the weight of sin and must fight to stay faithful, to trust in God's covenant even through the darkest hours.

Today, though, is not one of those times.  Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!  What a relief it was to finally attend a morning Mass after having skipped the past few days.  The church and the Adoration chapel are both beautifully decorated for Easter, and all creation seems to be following suit as the warm spring weather has lifted the gray veil of winter.

O my Jesus, You are our King and our Lover.  Shine brightly through me today, that I might be a witness to all who do not know Your love.

The unexpected

This morning did not quite go according to plan.

* I was looking forward to some prayer time before Mass, but the boys wanted a ride to church because of the heavy rainstorm so I agreed to wait for them - I figured it's a missionary sacrifice to give up my much-desired time with the Lord in order to bring others to Him.
* On my way to the shower, I heard a roommate crying and was tempted to go on about my business but remembered that to comfort the sorrowful is a work of mercy.
* That roommate left the apartment soon after, only to return a minute later carrying my Rosary, soaking wet, which she'd found outside.  I was glad then that I had chosen to act out of Christian love rather than ignore her.
* The campus safety vehicles began circling the college with their sirens blaring to inform us of a tornado warning; I contacted the boys to let them know we'd be staying home.
* As the rain worsened, I checked the weather report and it said we were now under not only a tornado but also a flash flood warning.
* My friend called to say that part of her window had blown in and her room was flooding.  Apparently students in some dorms are gathering in the basement.
* I texted my mom about the weather...and she called me back to wished me a happy birthday.  :]

Now it seems to have blown over - the sky is clearer and the rain has lessened.  If this minor storm can trigger such confusion and fear in us, what must the apostles have felt when out at sea?

They woke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?"  He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!"  The wind ceased and there was great calm.  Then He asked them, "Why are you terrified?  Do you not yet have faith?"  They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?" [Mark 4:38-41]

Upon the arrival of my 22nd year

For a year of spiritual growth and increasing virtue,

For a greater understanding of the love beyond measure of a Father for His child,

For good friendship and fellowship with like-minded souls,

For grace and strength to survive the hardships and joy to smile in the darkest hours,

For a spirit of hope that cannot be destroyed, even in the face of evil,

For the conclusion of an epoch and the opening of a new and promising chapter,

We give Thee thanks, O Almighty God, for these Thy benefits, Who lives and reigns, world without end. Amen.

Eastertide

40 days of fasting, prayer, and penance, all leading up to the holiest of nights...

Singing the first gloria of the Easter season --

Welcoming the Alleluia back into the liturgy and into our hearts --
Listening to the joyful Easter proclamation, the Exsultet --

Rejoice, heavenly powers!  Sing, choirs of angels!  Exult, all creation around God's throne!  Jesus Christ, our King, is risen!  Sound the trumpet of salvation!

The Easter Vigil Mass was beautiful as always.  I love watching RCIA candidates be fully initiated into the Catholic Church.  There were 11 or 12 at my home parish this year, but I heard the church here at school received about 30 new members, half of whom were children.  It's such a powerful testament, first and foremost to the generosity of Our Lord, but also to the witness given by the members of the parish community.

It's difficult not to gorge on the items I had been fasting from during Lent.  Much Easter candy has been consumed and more than a few hours spent catching up on blogger news.  But long after the novelty of these indulgences wears off, I will still be carrying an alleluia in my heart and proclaiming the joy of the risen Christ!

One of my favorite aspects of the Easter season is the concluding blessing at the end of every Mass that reminds us of the continued glory of these 50 days:

Go in peace, alleluia alleluia!
Thanks be to God, alleluia alleluia!

Ending of Holy Week

The richness of our Catholic Faith is never more apparent than during the Triduum.  Three days of heightened devotion in anticipation of Christ's triumph over sin and death.  There is nothing else quite like it.

Appropriately, this year's Lent ends in tears just as it began.  My dear brother is broken, crushed to the lowest point and cannot find his way out of the deep.  I have so little to offer him, since talk of God is not something he responds to very positively.  I am here to listen to him but I feel so inept.  He shares with me his greatest pain and suffering, and my words of comfort and motivation sound so silly.  Of course I wish just like our parents that he would just change his attitude toward the situation, but that seems like an impossible task when he is wallowing in regret and loneliness.  Where is God in his time of need??

Lord, You want us to come to You with all our problems.  My brother is finding it hard even to make that little step towards You.  Please bless him abundantly with Your grace tomorrow when he attends Easter Mass -- I know he's been ignoring You, but what he needs now is hope and promise of new life.  O my Jesus, You make all things new.  Give him the strength to carry on.  Amen.

To make a wretch His treasure

At Mass today, I felt distracted but kept trying to return to the moment.  Our Church is so beautiful in its richness, God's Word in its depth of meaning, and our leaders in their understanding and wisdom.  I could never leave, could never be anything but Catholic.  Typing those words make me laugh, as they sound so similar to the words of Peter:

"Even though I should have to die with You, I will not deny You."

How many times I have made this kind of impassioned commitment, only to quickly discover the frailty of my human will.  And yet He loves me still, amidst all my failures, not in spite of them but because of them.  I am all the more precious to Him because I pursue Him even in my weakened state.  Indeed, that can only be the love of a Father for His dear child.

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He would give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure.

Da patientiam

Patience - not my strong suit.  Whether in important matters, such as waiting on God's will, or silly things like being easily irritated at the sound of a person eating, I really struggle with this virtue, and more often than not my impatience gets the best of me.

How should I approach this?  I recognize that others must be very patient with me -- should I not do the same for them?  I frequently control the most aggressive or vocal reaction yet still make a passing remark or make it apparent through my facial expressions that I am annoyed.  What is the goal of these actions?  Do I want an apology for something that wasn't harmful to begin with?  Do I want recognition for all the "sufferings" that I must endure?  Do I simply want the person to comply with my will?

My will.  Pride.  I should be able to control every aspect of my life, including the actions of others and the effect that they have on me.

O my Jesus, save me from my pridefulness, which has poisoned so many aspects of my nature.  Blessed Mother, model of humility and patience, teach me to be like you.

Holy Week: Monday

Is it ever called just "Holy Monday"?  Is it strange that I ponder these things in my not-so-free time?

During his homily this morning, the deacon noted that throughout Lent, more people have been attending both the 7 and 8am weekday Masses.  He said that we will celebrate our victory with Christ at Easter, and that if we continue coming that week, the Church will treat us to powerful post-Resurrection readings.  I'm very excited for that. :)

Just a few more days and then I'm going home!

Palm Sunday

Hosanna to the King of Kings!

The deacon giving the homily this morning asked us to imagine a circle drawn in our hearts with a throne inside it.  There may be people both inside and outside the circle, but only one person or object may be seated on the throne.  Is it Christ?

This Holy Week, I'm going to make an effort to read all the morning and evening prayers in the Magnificat, to pray the Rosary as often as I can, and to go to Mass every day (which shouldn't be that hard considering the Triduum!).  I'll be going home either Wednesday night or Holy Thursday morning, which I'm really looking forward to so I can celebrate these solemn feasts with my parents and my home parish.  I'm also a little nervous about some of my final projects, which are due over the following two weeks, but with Jesus as Lord of my life, I trust Him to help me with everything.

Lord, we lift up Your name with hearts full of praise!  Be exalted, O Lord my God, hosanna in the highest!

My foolish heart

Today was a much-needed conversation that I suspect was a long time in coming.  Matt had been asking for a while to go on one of our walks, so this rainy morning after Mass we headed to Denny's for breakfast.  He's in the process of discerning a vocation to either the priesthood or a religious order (likely the Franciscans).  There are aspects of each that he feels drawn to, but I suspect based on his own words that within the next year or two he'll head off to seminary.  Of course he'd love to be serving the poor and spreading the Gospel in that real, down-to-earth way along with other friars, but he has a great attraction to the duties and joys of being a parish priest.  I am so very excited for him - I know he'll be a glad servant of God wherever he goes.

I, similarly, am discerning whether my vocation is to the married life or to an order, namely the Dominicans.  I am currently in a more passive state, I suppose, as I realize I have to focus on my present calling to missionary work, and I'm sure my discernment will continue along the way.  I'm praying for clarity for both Matt and me, that God will grace us with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit so we may know His will and do it wholeheartedly.

Once again, God has removed my foolishness, cut out my selfish desires, and filled me instead with a desire to follow His perfect plan for my life.  Thanks be to God for His gentleness in redirecting me and leading me back to Himself.

Abide in My love

Rarely has Christ's love been so apparent to me as it is through Fr. d'Elbee's conferences on love.  I read the final chapter entitled "Jesus, Mary, and the Saints" and was feeling so inspired and filled with the love of God that I wanted to write about it, but when I began to do so I realized that there is no way for me to adequately express it.  I wish I could encourage everyone I meet to read the book, to try to grasp the indescribable love and mercy that Our Lord is constantly pouring down upon us.  But whenever I have tried to do so, the words fail me.

I can say only this --

If heaven is, as God has promised, more than we can ever imagine...
If we will one day truly see the face of Christ and indeed the full Beatific vision...
If His love is greater than anything we could experience here on earth...

It will be worth it.  All the sacrifices, the pain, the sufferings, the hatred we have endured in this life will be as nothing compared to the peace, love, and eternal happiness we will receive when we reach our true home.  O Lord, may we wait patiently and eagerly for that day!  Purify our intentions and our desires, that we might want only to be with You!

Trying to transition

I'm coming to the end of the school year and with it the end of another stage of my life.  Realizing that I won't be returning to campus in the fall, I'm having to tie up loose ends, many of them related to CCM.  I knew that this was a stressor, but I didn't know how much it was impacting me until I dreamt about it last night.  A staff member of the college met with me to inform me that CCM could not continue.  For reasons unknown to me, they were dissolving the group, although some effort was being taken to help the serious members make this transition.  The informant claimed that he had already spoken with Matt, didn't Matt tell me?  I was confused and a little hurt - why would he have kept this from me? - but I recognized that he was probably trying to spare me the pain a little longer or just didn't know how to broach the subject.

Thank God this is not reality!  The community has already suffered the loss of a house, and I cannot imagine the fate of individual members if CCM meetings could no longer be held.  I think it's a reminder for me to do two things: pray for the future of CCM, both for its leaders and future members, and trust that God, the Giver of all good gifts, will take care of everything.

Does this mirror my own life?  The transition I'm making from student to missionary is an exciting one, and yet I have many fears.  Will I even make it successfully to graduation?  How will I get to summer training? What if I can't learn silence and am not able to hear God speaking to me?  What happens afterwards -- religious life or marriage?  What if my whole existence is based on false pride and I am not fit for this job?

O Lord, You have probed me and You know me: You know when I sit and when I stand; You understand my thoughts from afar.  My travels and my rest You mark; with all my ways You are familiar.  Even before a word is on my tongue, Lord, You know it all.  ~Psalm 139:1-5

I would do well to memorize that psalm.

They shall see God

Blest are they, the pure of heart.  This is the first time in my life that I've really considered what it means to have purity of heart or intention.  It seems that the more I explore my inner spirituality, the more aware I become of the manipulative, prideful, and selfish motives behind my actions.  It makes me wonder -- have I ever truly had a pure heart?  How often do I act out of true compassion and kindness, expecting nothing in return?  Material wealth is not important to me, but I seem to covet attention and compliments from others.  I thrive on success and achievement, not because they bring me internal fulfillment but because they elicit admiration and praise from people around me.

Jesus, forgive me for my selfish intentions.  I want only to be humble and to have a servant's spirit.  Mary, teach me to act only out of love for Your Son.

The rain falls...

...on the just and the unjust.  This was part of today's Magnificat reading, and it became so relevant because, during morning Mass, a heavy rainstorm began.  It was only raining lightly when I left for church,  and I almost decided to walk instead of drive because the weather seemed a little warmer today.  I'm glad I didn't!

I love the humor of the clergy!  These days, Fr. Farmer is teasing Matt about the beard he's growing.  Said he's beginning to look a little Franciscan.  Matt said now all he needs is to take a little off the top!

I'm having trouble with silence.  Even when I try to quiet my mind, there's still a running commentary reminding me of everything I'm supposed to be doing.  I don't really know how to practice this, except to start with small increments of silence and work my way up.  Even 30 seconds is a challenge for me.  Mrs. Walsh told me that St. Teresa of Avila also struggled with this -- her intelligent and curious mind did not easily convert to contemplation.  She even said that it may never be easy for me on earth, but that even through the noise in my head, my soul may come to a state of resting in Christ.  I long for this.

Lord, help me to quiet my mind and hear only Your voice.

The sacred and the profane

I went to Mass this morning at St. John's here at home.  I had been sitting alone in the church for a while, people slowly filtering in, when all the children from the parish school appeared and began filling the pews on one side of the church.  At first I was a little annoyed -- would there be enough room?  Would I have to give up my seat?  They had broken the stillness of the quiet church and my attention that should have been focused on the divine was, as always, easily swept away by the human element.

And yet Christ is present in the everyday.  I am so quick to dismiss the world and our society in particular as corrupt and devoid of holiness, but this is far from the truth.  Yes, there is a great need for silence and reverence for the sacred traditions of our Faith.  But God has not called us all to the convent or the cloistered life.  I must learn to be mindful of the presence of God in all things.

How beautiful is the Body of Christ

I have always considered this song to be referring to His crucified and now resurrected and glorious Body, that which we receive in the Holy Eucharist.  But I wonder now if it doesn't also speak to the Church and all of us as the mystical Body of Christ and the entire Communion of Saints.

I spent the morning in the best of company - first with Our Lord at Mass, and afterwards Matt and I had the chance to speak with Sr. Faustina about her motherhouse.  Then we caught up with Mrs. Walsh and, bless her, she remembered from our conversation two weeks ago that we were to go to coffee today!  Matt headed home and she drove me to the diner where she allowed me to spill out my soul, my deepest desires, my excitement and fears for the future, and all that has been tugging on my heart recently.  We spoke of silence in prayer, growing in holiness, and finding one's vocation.  She briefed me on her own life and spiritual awakening, and through it all she tied in innumerable references to words of the saints and of Scripture.  I am so intrigued by the connections that can be made between our own spiritualities and those that have come before us, that there is in some sense a common bond among all of us who desire to enter into a more serious relationship with Christ and a deeper understanding of the mysteries of our Faith.

We talked for over two hours!  She said she didn't mind - this is her favorite topic of discussion.  She shared with me some of her own experiences and realizations that are similar to mine.  I almost wish I could have recorded our talk to have on hand for the future, for she has such wisdom coming from the Holy Spirit.  Hers is a life lived beautifully in union with Christ.  She is willing to become a spiritual mother to CCM, and for that I am so grateful.  It is providential as well, because just last night I met with Matt, Catherine, and Oliver to discuss the future of the group.  There are so many changes to be made for next year, and Oliver especially is passionately headed towards bringing new life into CCM.  I know God's hand is at work within the group, and yet there is so much at stake, so many things to be accomplished, and so little human power to carry it out.  But as Catherine said, this can only be done with the power of God.  Mrs. Walsh will be instrumental, I am sure, in fostering the spiritual development of CCM members and in providing strength and support to Matt, Oliver, and the others who are so invested in the task at-hand.

God bless Mrs. Walsh.  God bless Matt for bringing her to us.  God bless this parish and all it has done for the life of my soul.  God bless Oliver for having insight and passion to bring to the new generation of CCM.

Lord, I trust in Your infinite mercy and compassion.  Please lead me to wherever You would like me to go.  I am ready to do Your will, O God.  Help me to follow You.  Amen.

Starting fresh

Glory and praise to our God!  I slept for 9 hours last night -- dearly needed rest -- and woke up on my own at quarter after 6.  I took the scapular from Mrs. Walsh to Mass this morning and told Fr. Ray that I wanted to be invested.  He brought out the Book of Blessings and prayed over the scapular and over me.  I was so happy to be able to put it on after that.  I don't know why I never thought of it this way, but just as Mary is my mother, I am her daughter.  I like that it's a real, tangible relationship.

I give You thanks, O Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

The man born blind

Fr. Lou's notes on confession and spiritual blindness - We've either stopped recognizing sin or do not acknowledge that we need the Church for forgiveness.  We must return to the sacrament in order to be washed and have our eyes opened to our sinfulness.

Home of the soul

After Mass this morning, I was speaking to Sister.  When I said that I'm a senior and almost done with school, she said, "We'll miss you," to which I replied that I would miss the parish.  St. John's has been my spiritual home for the past four years.  I was attending Mass there before Fr. Farmer, Fr. Lou, and even Fr. Hector were assigned to the parish.  I have many fond memories of time spent at the church.

I'll miss the people most of all.  Knowing all the priests personally, and them calling me by name.  Homilies, especially from Fr. Ray when he pauses to lovingly address a noisy infant in the congregation.  Daily Mass - like the black and white weekday comics that tell a continuing story - especially on Saturday mornings when we conclude with "Immaculate Mary."  Staying after Mass to pray the Rosary with the elderly women.  Confession - such a grace for me who fears it and yet needs it so much.

The Adoration chapel - along with the priests, I think this is what I'll miss the most.  I pray there is one at the next church I attend.  Dropping into the parish center at any time, greeting the secretary, and stopping by Paul's office.  Yes, I will certainly miss Paul, his spiritual wisdom, strength of faith, and ability to put everything in perspective.

The stained glass windows.  The statue of the Blessed Mother.  The high arched panes of glass that give a beautiful view of the sky.

This post is making me sad.  Maybe I'll return to it later.

Dreary days

Christ, shine through the darkness in my life!  I am following You, but this life is hard.  I have not the strength to go it alone.  Times of loneliness and sorrow, times of weariness and fear, lost in the maze that I have created for myself and drawn in by the pleasures of this life.

Lately I've been feeling a little dry, as though my prayers are just words coming from an insincere heart.  I want my prayer to be meaningful, but I seem unable to silence myself long enough to listen to the voice of the Lord.  For all the times I thought I heard Him, I wonder if I was only attributing to Him the words I wanted to hear.

O Lord, break me and build me.  Change me and remake me.  I never want to be apart from You.