This is my last post here at A Radical Life in Christ. I've begun my missionary training and am excited to launch a new blog, At the Master's feet. I cannot express how grateful I am for this opportunity, nor how overwhelmed and impressed I already am by the holiness and zeal of my missionary brothers and sisters. I couldn't be happier anywhere else. Tonight we were officially welcomed into the FOCUS family, and even though I've only in training for two days now, I already feel at home.
Thanks be to God for His wondrous gifts!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Taking my first steps
Great is our God, and worthy of all praise! Mighty and wonderful are His works!
Yesterday Matt introduced me to a man named Tom, who I quickly learned is a well-read and eager apologist. He talked on an on about the history of the first and second canon as well as other common topics of debate. He seems particularly interested in bringing unity to Catholic and non-Catholic Christians, but he also spoke of atheism, Judaism, and Islam. He knows dates and historical religious figures and can quote Scripture verses to support his arguments. Clearly, I was impressed.
I left there thinking about my future work and my limited knowledge of Church history. Yes, I know or at least am familiar with the very basics, but this is not enough. I am entering a minefield -- I need ammunition and protection. But how would I know what books to start with? What should I read that will give me the best overall understanding and knowledge base? How difficult would it be to commit all those facts to memory? And where would I find the time?
This morning after Mass, I stayed and prayed for a while. An organist arrived and began practicing "Alleluia, Alleluia, Give Thanks" -- one of my favorites. I was singing joyfully and leaving the church when I saw Tom coming after me.
He asked me about my mission and became very serious, telling me that I'm right on the firing line. I do realize this, and it frightens me but I know my God is with me. Tom told me that I need to start reading more, which of course is true. He began mentioning titles of books and support organizations and assured me that he's more than willing to supply me with whatever he can.
Towards the end of our conversation, Tom said to me, "You're the future of this church." Although he may have been referring to the universal Church and the new evangelization, he gave a small nod in the direction of St. John's. This gives me hope, especially since I briefly mentioned parish talks to Fr. Farmer, and his response was "Maybe you'll come talk here." I would love that more than I can say. When I first (selfishly) considered that possibility, it was because I know this community would give generously. But now it is more because I feel such a strong tie to St. John's, to the clergy and staff here, and to the families that give life to the church. I certainly hope I may return here to be a witness for Christ and the good work He is accomplishing through FOCUS.
If this is to be my life as a missionary, I am ready to begin! I am energized by discussions of the Faith, I love to hear what Christ has done in people's lives, and I want so dearly to share His love with others. He will not abandon any of His children, so I have every confidence that this is only the beginning of a great adventure. Just as Matt has brought me to Mrs. Walsh, Dr. Campbell, and now Tom, I know that FOCUS will lead me to many others.
O Jesus, I thank You for everything, for every good gift comes from You.
Yesterday Matt introduced me to a man named Tom, who I quickly learned is a well-read and eager apologist. He talked on an on about the history of the first and second canon as well as other common topics of debate. He seems particularly interested in bringing unity to Catholic and non-Catholic Christians, but he also spoke of atheism, Judaism, and Islam. He knows dates and historical religious figures and can quote Scripture verses to support his arguments. Clearly, I was impressed.
I left there thinking about my future work and my limited knowledge of Church history. Yes, I know or at least am familiar with the very basics, but this is not enough. I am entering a minefield -- I need ammunition and protection. But how would I know what books to start with? What should I read that will give me the best overall understanding and knowledge base? How difficult would it be to commit all those facts to memory? And where would I find the time?
This morning after Mass, I stayed and prayed for a while. An organist arrived and began practicing "Alleluia, Alleluia, Give Thanks" -- one of my favorites. I was singing joyfully and leaving the church when I saw Tom coming after me.
He asked me about my mission and became very serious, telling me that I'm right on the firing line. I do realize this, and it frightens me but I know my God is with me. Tom told me that I need to start reading more, which of course is true. He began mentioning titles of books and support organizations and assured me that he's more than willing to supply me with whatever he can.
Towards the end of our conversation, Tom said to me, "You're the future of this church." Although he may have been referring to the universal Church and the new evangelization, he gave a small nod in the direction of St. John's. This gives me hope, especially since I briefly mentioned parish talks to Fr. Farmer, and his response was "Maybe you'll come talk here." I would love that more than I can say. When I first (selfishly) considered that possibility, it was because I know this community would give generously. But now it is more because I feel such a strong tie to St. John's, to the clergy and staff here, and to the families that give life to the church. I certainly hope I may return here to be a witness for Christ and the good work He is accomplishing through FOCUS.
If this is to be my life as a missionary, I am ready to begin! I am energized by discussions of the Faith, I love to hear what Christ has done in people's lives, and I want so dearly to share His love with others. He will not abandon any of His children, so I have every confidence that this is only the beginning of a great adventure. Just as Matt has brought me to Mrs. Walsh, Dr. Campbell, and now Tom, I know that FOCUS will lead me to many others.
O Jesus, I thank You for everything, for every good gift comes from You.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Have no fear
Thoughts from yesterday:
Blessed Pope John Paul II, in his first words as pope, exhorted all Catholics to "Be not afraid!" These are the words I've been contemplating this morning. Even though I woke up early for confession and the earliest Sunday Mass, even though I've been productive in washing laundry and going for a brief jog, even though most people would glance at my life and assume that all is in order, I still fear the unknown and the transition from past to future. But how will the next few weeks and months be any different from the rest of my life? I place every day in the hands of the Lord, the Master of my existence. Each day is a new gift from Him and a chance to follow His will and minister to His people.
"I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?"
Blessed Pope John Paul II, in his first words as pope, exhorted all Catholics to "Be not afraid!" These are the words I've been contemplating this morning. Even though I woke up early for confession and the earliest Sunday Mass, even though I've been productive in washing laundry and going for a brief jog, even though most people would glance at my life and assume that all is in order, I still fear the unknown and the transition from past to future. But how will the next few weeks and months be any different from the rest of my life? I place every day in the hands of the Lord, the Master of my existence. Each day is a new gift from Him and a chance to follow His will and minister to His people.
"I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?"
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Jesus, You are my joy
...and I, too, am Your joy.
So writes Fr. Jean C. J. d'Elbee in his book I Believe in Love. This is something that has changed my way of thinking about myself, my soul, my loving Father, and my relationship with God.
This morning after Mass, I went to breakfast and coffee with Mrs. Walsh and Dr. Campbell. We talked for hours - most of the time I spent just listening, absorbing all their knowledge and wisdom of spirituality, evangelism, and our culture. Dr. Campbell is such a joyous soul and has the tendency to laugh quite often, whereas Mrs. Walsh more frequently has a knowing smile, one that warms you and makes you realize how much she truly cares.
Afterwards, I sat with Mrs. Walsh in her car and discussed temperaments, joy, participation and cooperation with God's will, discernment of spirits, and trust. When we finally came around to it, I brought up the topic of scrupulosity. Her words really surprised me - "It is a gift." I immediately retorted, "No, it's not!" But she insisted that this is indeed a gift, although we must choose to view it as such. She said that many of the great saints were scrupulous: St. Therese and St. Gertrude, and I listed St. Alphonsus Liguori and St. Ignatius Loyola. She told me, for example, of St. Gertrude's great awareness and prompt response to the movement of the Holy Spirit. Of course I recognize that this cross is one which can be used for good, as a sacrifice for others.
The temptation to be scrupulous should be combatted by pouring our hearts into trusting God. Jesus, I trust in You! Making the act of faith is another tactic. Recognizing that we merit and deserve to go to hell, but only by God's grace are we saved. We can do nothing but hope in His mercy and grace.
My favorite analogy that she made was that I am a flower whose only job is "to be." I cannot provide for myself. It is not my responsibility to find food or sunshine. It is acceptable for me to expect that my loving Father will provide me with all my needs. Never once in my childhood did I worry about whether my dad would go to work. In the same way, I must become like a child before God and trust in Him completely, without reservation.
God allows me to be just one piece of the puzzle in the spiritual lives of others. If He allowed us to do all the work or to see the merits of our actions, we would be prideful. He moves each person from A to Z, but we only take part in a small portion of that journey.
Finally, Mrs. Walsh reminded me of God's great and unequivocal love - that He chose me from the beginning of time, that He handpicked my parents and the era in which I would live, that He selected my gifts and knew what would make me both smile and cry. That He loved me when I was a sinner just as much as He loves me today. That I can do nothing to increase that love because I am already receiving it in the full.
Indeed, in every moment God is loving me into existence. And that alone brings me great joy.
So writes Fr. Jean C. J. d'Elbee in his book I Believe in Love. This is something that has changed my way of thinking about myself, my soul, my loving Father, and my relationship with God.
This morning after Mass, I went to breakfast and coffee with Mrs. Walsh and Dr. Campbell. We talked for hours - most of the time I spent just listening, absorbing all their knowledge and wisdom of spirituality, evangelism, and our culture. Dr. Campbell is such a joyous soul and has the tendency to laugh quite often, whereas Mrs. Walsh more frequently has a knowing smile, one that warms you and makes you realize how much she truly cares.
Afterwards, I sat with Mrs. Walsh in her car and discussed temperaments, joy, participation and cooperation with God's will, discernment of spirits, and trust. When we finally came around to it, I brought up the topic of scrupulosity. Her words really surprised me - "It is a gift." I immediately retorted, "No, it's not!" But she insisted that this is indeed a gift, although we must choose to view it as such. She said that many of the great saints were scrupulous: St. Therese and St. Gertrude, and I listed St. Alphonsus Liguori and St. Ignatius Loyola. She told me, for example, of St. Gertrude's great awareness and prompt response to the movement of the Holy Spirit. Of course I recognize that this cross is one which can be used for good, as a sacrifice for others.
The temptation to be scrupulous should be combatted by pouring our hearts into trusting God. Jesus, I trust in You! Making the act of faith is another tactic. Recognizing that we merit and deserve to go to hell, but only by God's grace are we saved. We can do nothing but hope in His mercy and grace.
My favorite analogy that she made was that I am a flower whose only job is "to be." I cannot provide for myself. It is not my responsibility to find food or sunshine. It is acceptable for me to expect that my loving Father will provide me with all my needs. Never once in my childhood did I worry about whether my dad would go to work. In the same way, I must become like a child before God and trust in Him completely, without reservation.
God allows me to be just one piece of the puzzle in the spiritual lives of others. If He allowed us to do all the work or to see the merits of our actions, we would be prideful. He moves each person from A to Z, but we only take part in a small portion of that journey.
Finally, Mrs. Walsh reminded me of God's great and unequivocal love - that He chose me from the beginning of time, that He handpicked my parents and the era in which I would live, that He selected my gifts and knew what would make me both smile and cry. That He loved me when I was a sinner just as much as He loves me today. That I can do nothing to increase that love because I am already receiving it in the full.
Indeed, in every moment God is loving me into existence. And that alone brings me great joy.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Lord of the day
One of my favorite songs is Lord of All Hopefulness. I find myself singing it quite often, and by now I've memorized all the verses, although I still have trouble keeping all the adjectives straight. :)
What I love most about this song is that it reminds me how God is present - and needed - in every moment of the day. We should call on Him for everything and recognize that He will help us to grow in virtues particular to each task we face. Similarly, every part of the day is blessed, whether we are waking, working, returning home, or sleeping. We have only to surrender our entire lives to the care and protection of our Lord. How great is His love for us!
What I love most about this song is that it reminds me how God is present - and needed - in every moment of the day. We should call on Him for everything and recognize that He will help us to grow in virtues particular to each task we face. Similarly, every part of the day is blessed, whether we are waking, working, returning home, or sleeping. We have only to surrender our entire lives to the care and protection of our Lord. How great is His love for us!
Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy,
whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy,
be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,
your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day.
whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy,
be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,
your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day.
Lord of all eagerness, Lord of all faith,
whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe,
be there at our labours, and give us, we pray.
your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.
whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe,
be there at our labours, and give us, we pray.
your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.
Lord of all kindliness, Lord of all grace,
your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace,
be there at our homing, and give us, we pray,
your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.
your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace,
be there at our homing, and give us, we pray,
your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.
Lord of all gentleness, Lord of all calm,
whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm,
be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray.
your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.
whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm,
be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray.
your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Not alone
I have a confession to make.
I struggle with scrupulosity.
At first I thought my obsessions, hangups, fears, and anxieties were normal. I soon realized, though, that I was different from most other people, including most good Catholics, and there was no way I could explain my scruples to them. Not even to my parents, who I love and trust to a fault. No one would understand my seemingly meaningless and unfounded worries. My fear of confession grew ever stronger, but I would still make myself go every so often. Sometimes I thought it might be easier if I confessed every week, but this would have been too much for me.
Thank God for a few amazing confessors I have had over the past several years. My scrupulosity has become more manageable, though to the outsider my habits and thinking patterns would probably still appear very odd. I found this last night, and it has made all the difference. My mouth dropped open as I read through it -- it was as though the author was inside my head and describing my own life! For the first time, I know that I am not alone. While I don't think I'll take any action in the immediate future, I am aware that pastoral counseling is an option if my struggles worsen.
I am grateful to Leila at Little Catholic Bubble for her post on this topic, where I found the link to the Ten Commandments for the scrupulous.
St. Alphonsus Liguori, pray for us!
I struggle with scrupulosity.
At first I thought my obsessions, hangups, fears, and anxieties were normal. I soon realized, though, that I was different from most other people, including most good Catholics, and there was no way I could explain my scruples to them. Not even to my parents, who I love and trust to a fault. No one would understand my seemingly meaningless and unfounded worries. My fear of confession grew ever stronger, but I would still make myself go every so often. Sometimes I thought it might be easier if I confessed every week, but this would have been too much for me.
Thank God for a few amazing confessors I have had over the past several years. My scrupulosity has become more manageable, though to the outsider my habits and thinking patterns would probably still appear very odd. I found this last night, and it has made all the difference. My mouth dropped open as I read through it -- it was as though the author was inside my head and describing my own life! For the first time, I know that I am not alone. While I don't think I'll take any action in the immediate future, I am aware that pastoral counseling is an option if my struggles worsen.
I am grateful to Leila at Little Catholic Bubble for her post on this topic, where I found the link to the Ten Commandments for the scrupulous.
St. Alphonsus Liguori, pray for us!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Sweet friendship
Every day seems to be one step closer to graduating and leaving behind this place that has been my home for the past four years. I'm not sentimental about the school itself, since I remember all too well the troubles I've faced here, but thinking about some of the people that I'll be saying goodbye to is very hard. And most of my closest friends are those I met through CCM.
There really is no way to explain all the ways in which Catholic Campus Ministry has helped me to grow, both in my spiritual life and in leadership and planning skills. It's been an invaluable experience, and I don't doubt that having CCM on my resume helped my chances for being accepted to FOCUS.
I will truly miss several friends in particular, but overall I think I'll also miss spiritual reading discussions, late night cookie baking and Rosary making, hiking trips, and morning Masses with the gang. It was so special to share holy hours in the Adoration chapel with good friends -- not many of us here, it seems, share this love for Christ.
Our annual end-of-the-year picnic was today. Traditionally, this is also a sendoff for the senior members of CCM. This year, seniors were surprised with posters covered in messages from the underclassmen. I love homemade, personalized gifts the best, so this was very special to me. I'll be hanging it in my new room at....whatever college FOCUS sends me to.
Don't misunderstand, I'm thrilled every time I remember that I am one of the blessed, privileged few who have been accepted to do God's work with this wonderful missionary program. I cannot imagine how amazing and grace-filled the next two years will be. But looking back over my time here at school, it has been similarly blessed. Only my God could have placed me in such perfect circumstances to refine me and prepare me for my future work. Only my God could have given me such trials and brought me through with a smile. Only my God could have given me these wonderful friends.
There really is no way to explain all the ways in which Catholic Campus Ministry has helped me to grow, both in my spiritual life and in leadership and planning skills. It's been an invaluable experience, and I don't doubt that having CCM on my resume helped my chances for being accepted to FOCUS.
I will truly miss several friends in particular, but overall I think I'll also miss spiritual reading discussions, late night cookie baking and Rosary making, hiking trips, and morning Masses with the gang. It was so special to share holy hours in the Adoration chapel with good friends -- not many of us here, it seems, share this love for Christ.
Our annual end-of-the-year picnic was today. Traditionally, this is also a sendoff for the senior members of CCM. This year, seniors were surprised with posters covered in messages from the underclassmen. I love homemade, personalized gifts the best, so this was very special to me. I'll be hanging it in my new room at....whatever college FOCUS sends me to.
Don't misunderstand, I'm thrilled every time I remember that I am one of the blessed, privileged few who have been accepted to do God's work with this wonderful missionary program. I cannot imagine how amazing and grace-filled the next two years will be. But looking back over my time here at school, it has been similarly blessed. Only my God could have placed me in such perfect circumstances to refine me and prepare me for my future work. Only my God could have given me such trials and brought me through with a smile. Only my God could have given me these wonderful friends.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Beyond blessed
I have never been so grateful for the gift of my sister as I am today. After attending Mass this morning, although feeling a little better than last night, I still felt a strong sense of desperation and disappointment. I called her hoping for nothing more than confirmation that I am a good person despite my failings. But she gave me so much more.
We talked for a full hour, or rather she talked for most of it and I listened, content for once to sit back and absorb the wisdom of one who has experienced the same pain. We are strikingly similar, though not on a superficial level. From our outward appearance, we are clearly sisters, yet our personalities could not be more different. A chemist and a missionary, a realist and an optimist. One dreams of raising a family embedded in the traditions of the Church, the other of joining a religious community and quietly resting in the Lord's presence. Yes, in those ways we are quite different.
But when we look deeper into ourselves, at our strongest inclinations and our desire to be loved by the Father and to share this love with the world, we are the same. Of all my peers, only she can understand me and can relate to my struggles. Only she has been through the same difficulties and emerged stronger and more convicted in her Faith and her values.
Two minds, one soul, forever best friends. My Jesus, I cannot thank You enough for this gift.
We talked for a full hour, or rather she talked for most of it and I listened, content for once to sit back and absorb the wisdom of one who has experienced the same pain. We are strikingly similar, though not on a superficial level. From our outward appearance, we are clearly sisters, yet our personalities could not be more different. A chemist and a missionary, a realist and an optimist. One dreams of raising a family embedded in the traditions of the Church, the other of joining a religious community and quietly resting in the Lord's presence. Yes, in those ways we are quite different.
But when we look deeper into ourselves, at our strongest inclinations and our desire to be loved by the Father and to share this love with the world, we are the same. Of all my peers, only she can understand me and can relate to my struggles. Only she has been through the same difficulties and emerged stronger and more convicted in her Faith and her values.
Two minds, one soul, forever best friends. My Jesus, I cannot thank You enough for this gift.
Sin breeds suffering
Tonight I am heartbroken and seeking only Him. I want so dearly to understand the reason for this hurt, but the words I hear Him saying are "No, My dearest one. Trust Me. Look to Me and no one else for comfort. I alone will provide all that you need."
I want to cry in sorrow for the consequences of my own sinfulness but no tears will come. This is selfishness, wanting the situation to immediately be set aright merely because I have said my apologies. Healing takes time, especially when hurt runs deep.
My pride, my selfishness, my pain.
His love, His mercy, His forgiveness.
I want to cry in sorrow for the consequences of my own sinfulness but no tears will come. This is selfishness, wanting the situation to immediately be set aright merely because I have said my apologies. Healing takes time, especially when hurt runs deep.
My pride, my selfishness, my pain.
His love, His mercy, His forgiveness.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Another ending
This is the last week of classes of my undergraduate career. The majority of my life until this point has been focused on education and schooling. The first years were spent at home with my mom as my teacher. Those were blissful times, to be sure, although I did not fully appreciate them until much later.
High school was a formation of mind and spirit. If presented again with the opportunity to attend Mount de Sales or another school, I would choose the Mount every time. The influence of the Dominican sisters there cannot be overstated, and those four years hold memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
College has been quite the experience and unlike anything I expected. Growth, although sometimes a painful process, is necessary for our development as servants of God. It is not enough for us to remain naive as in childhood, as we cannot minister to struggling souls if we have no concept of life outside of our own sheltered homes. Still, I sometimes repine for my lost innocence, not necessarily resulting from my own actions but rather from my exposure to the evils of our world.
There are times, I admit, when I reflect on my years at this institution and feel that I have not grown in knowledge or wisdom but have only cultivated a jaded outlook on life and on our culture in particular. I sometimes have little hope for humanity to redeem itself -- we are already so fraught with hatred and disrespect for life and virtue that it seems impossible for us to pick ourselves up and be renewed.
And yet, at other times, I seem to recognize God's purpose in all of this. His ways are higher than mine, are they not? His plan is perfect, unlike my own. He knows all the desires of my heart and wishes to fill them with Himself. I have been exposed to the darkness that I may grow in the light and then reflect His light onto others, that they too may shine.
O Lord, fill me with Your love. You know how deeply I desire to know You and serve You. Reign in me once again, my Jesus.
High school was a formation of mind and spirit. If presented again with the opportunity to attend Mount de Sales or another school, I would choose the Mount every time. The influence of the Dominican sisters there cannot be overstated, and those four years hold memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
College has been quite the experience and unlike anything I expected. Growth, although sometimes a painful process, is necessary for our development as servants of God. It is not enough for us to remain naive as in childhood, as we cannot minister to struggling souls if we have no concept of life outside of our own sheltered homes. Still, I sometimes repine for my lost innocence, not necessarily resulting from my own actions but rather from my exposure to the evils of our world.
There are times, I admit, when I reflect on my years at this institution and feel that I have not grown in knowledge or wisdom but have only cultivated a jaded outlook on life and on our culture in particular. I sometimes have little hope for humanity to redeem itself -- we are already so fraught with hatred and disrespect for life and virtue that it seems impossible for us to pick ourselves up and be renewed.
And yet, at other times, I seem to recognize God's purpose in all of this. His ways are higher than mine, are they not? His plan is perfect, unlike my own. He knows all the desires of my heart and wishes to fill them with Himself. I have been exposed to the darkness that I may grow in the light and then reflect His light onto others, that they too may shine.
O Lord, fill me with Your love. You know how deeply I desire to know You and serve You. Reign in me once again, my Jesus.
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