Day 12: Joy in the sacred

How do I put this as simply as possible?  I love being Catholic.  Serious Catholic.  Daily Mass-attending Catholic.  Fit-in-more-with-old-ladies-than-with-my-peers Catholic.

How do I put this without sounding prideful, holier-than-thou, or as though I'm getting ahead of myself?  I want to be a Dominican sister.  To fill myself with Him daily so that I can empty myself out to others in service of Him.

This morning I went to Mass at St. John's (home), then stayed for the rosary.  If only I had no obligations but to grow in the love of Christ.  I'm sorry, Jesus -- it's hard for me to see the meaning behind Your plan for me here at college.  I just want to give up all in pursuit of You!  Not that I'm dreading FOCUS, since I know it will change me entirely and help me be holy, but it makes my heart a little sad to know that I have to wait two years before I can actively discern.  Of course this is providential, since I may even discover a call to the married life while I'm a missionary, but at the moment it's a little difficult to accept.

O Lord, give me strength to persevere in these last few months!  Holy Spirit, fill me with courage.

Day 11: Callings

I didn't go to Mass this morning since I went to yesterday's vigil Mass.  I need to work on taking better care of myself physically; both Dean and Fr. Lou mentioned that yesterday, and it's something I don't usually consider, but our physical health is so clearly tied in with our spiritual health.  I wasn't able to focus yesterday on the rosary, couldn't give my full attention at Mass, and didn't get to the daily lectio divina because I was exhausted from having gotten only four hours of sleep the night before, and not much better on previous nights.

Went up to church today for a rosary and my own prayer time.  Mrs. Cohn asked that I write down my thoughts on why Lifeteen is necessary for St. John's youth group.  It's amazing to see how all my experiences are beginning to fall together.  The research that I'm conducting, my future work as a college missionary, my current position as CCM president, the struggles that my brother is presently going through, and now this planning committee at my home parish are all focused on the same idea.  I'm glad I can offer them advice.  Reminds me of God's words to Jeremiah:

"Say not, 'I am too young.'  To whomever I send you, you shall go; whatever I command you, you shall speak."

Our society seems to be maturing more slowly these days.  We are called at a young age to contribute our labors and intelligence to the greater community, but we often protest that we can be of little use.  Ask someone older, wiser, more experienced.  Not us, for we do not know how to speak.  This is a paralyzing worry, since our fear of inadequacy prevents us from trying at all.  Why can't we simply trust that God will speak through us?

"Then the Lord extended His hand and touched my mouth, saying, "See, I place My words in your mouth!"

A note on vocations:
I've been struggling with this concern for weeks now, unsure what life God is ultimately calling me to.  I finally, through wise mentorship, recognized that it is not for me to know at this time.  I am just called to be faithful in my current circumstances.
Today, though, the thoughts began again.  What if I'm meant to be a Dominican?  How beautiful it would be to sing His praises...to spend hours in silent prayer...even to be a spiritual mother through instruction of children.  How I would love to wear the habit, to be a concrete representation of God's work on earth!  How removed I am from our society.  How beautiful it would be to share my love for cooking and simultaneously serve my fellow sisters.  To have those strong bonds with other religious who are also working towards His kingdom.
As I tried to remind myself that this is not the time, that I should not expect God to reveal anything to me until later, I realized how silly that is.  What if He is revealing it to me, right in this moment?  My feelings about FOCUS, that it was too good to be true, that no real job could possibly provide such joy -- this is somewhat similar.  If thinking about FOCUS and being with the other missionaries makes me genuinely happy, and if I recognize that joy as coming from God, then why am I reluctant to believe that the Dominican Order, which also brings me joy, may be part of God's plan for my life?

God, save me from my pride.  Any human desires that do not come from You, please remove them from my heart and instead fill me with Your own desires for my life.

Day 10: Renewal

I am completely exhausted - physically, emotionally, and spiritually (though in a positive way as a result of all the spiritual growth I've been doing lately).  Today was good, and even great except for the constant, nagging worry about Paul.  I can't seem to shake those feelings.

Morning Mass, then to IHOP with Matt and Oliver.  Back to the parish center to set up for the mini-retreat. We had three students come with Emma from Stevenson, and there were five of us from McDaniel.  Fr. Lou talked about discernment of God's will, and Dean spoke about going against the flow of our culture.

Adoration was a gift.  I walked in last and there was no place to sit except the last pew, but someone was already taking up the part with the kneeler, so all that was left was the bench piece that extends across to the middle of the back wall of the chapel.  I genuflected and sat down, and almost gasped at what I saw.  I was face-to-face with Jesus in the Eucharist.  I've always sat on one side or the other, but now I was dead center and couldn't do much about it.  And without a kneeler, I didn't have much of a choice but to sit, to remain still and let God love me.  I want to learn silence, though I think it will take some time to cultivate it.

I'll write tomorrow when I'm coherent again.

Lord Jesus, I love You with all of my heart.

Day 9: Prayers and tears

Feeling heartbroken this morning.  I texted Paul last night to see how he's been doing, but I didn't expect him to really open up to me.  It sounds like he's hurting, a lot.  Taking lots of tests, dealing with his girlfriend's stresses, and just plain missing home.  But the worst of it is that he's losing his faith.  He said he's a completely different person now than before joining the Marines, that he feels like he has two separate identities, and that he doesn't know what he believes in anymore.  He feels spiritual but not religious and doesn't agree with the rule/ritual aspect of religion.  But at the same time, he is very tangibly feeling the effects of evil and is struggling with how to fight that.  More details are too hard for me to type right now.

Lord, heal my aching heart!  I kept crying through parts of Mass this morning.  I know many people would tell me this is common and that he'll come back, but I'm frightened.  He's so lost and depressed and is grappling for anything that might help, but somehow he can't see that simply returning to church and to God can change everything!  The evil one is becoming very real to him, and I pray that this fearful understanding will spark a conversion in him.

Lord God, protect my little brother.  Mother Mary, cover him with your mantle, for he needs you now more than ever.  As of today I'm starting a daily rosary for Paul, and I know that you cannot refuse one of your children.  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, do not abandon him!

St. Michael, protector of the Marines, pray for us!

The cry of my heart

My past won't stop haunting me
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be

This thorn in my side is a grace
For because of it the flesh and blood of God
Was offered in my place, my place

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me

Where did my best friends go?
In my defense they disappeared
Just like Your friends did to You, O Lord

But You were there, You gave me strength
So this little one might come to know
The glory of Your name, Your name

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me

Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me


[Matt Maher, Empty and Beautiful]

Day 8: Cutting it out

Today's Gospel was from Mark, though we heard the same story from Matthew's perspective this past Sunday.  Jesus tells the disciples that if their hand or foot causes them to sin, they should cut it off.  Fr. Ray commented that if we took this reading literally, cutting off a limb every time we sinned, "we'd be a lot smaller."  We all seem to agree that Jesus isn't asking us to maim our bodies, but I think we have a tendency to take this reading too lightly.

Lord, what are You asking me to cut out of my life?  I have many daily habits, many of which are not sinful but still do not give You glory.  Immoderation always seems to be my downfall, whether in my diet, my time spent on the internet, or my relationships with others.  I recently read an article by a Lifeteen missionary who decided to get rid of his Facebook account.  It impressed me that he chose to take a rather drastic route instead of just making a commitment to spend less time on it.  He recognized that, for him at least, it encouraged vanity and was an addiction that did not give glory to God.  From past experience, he knew that he would not have the self-control to maintain the account in a more moderate fashion, so he cut it out entirely.

Lent begins in just a few short weeks.  How can I better myself or make better use of my time?  How can I repay the Lord for all the good done for me?

Day 7: Gather us in

This morning's Gospel was the story of the apostles informing Jesus that they tried to keep a man from casting out demons since he was not a follower.  So often I have done the same!  Lord, this man is not Catholic.  This woman does not attend Mass or even read the Bible.  These people offend you with immoral acts.  They cannot be part of us.  How prideful I am!  What ignorance, to think that they must love God less than I do, or that God does not value us all equally.

I remember very specifically periods when I have struggled with understanding our place in God's kingdom.  We are all so different and come from various walks of life.  But, in his homily this morning, Fr. Hector referenced the words of John Paul the Great, who said that we must recognize what we have in common with others rather than looking for our differences.  Just think:

God created us all in His image.  Male and female He created them.  No person on earth does not fall into the category of a created human being.

Our first parents sinned, and thus have we all sinned.  We are all fallen beings.  (Except for Mary, obviously.)

The Father sent His Son to bring salvation to His people.  A single drop of His blood would save the entire human race, and yet He allowed Himself to be sacrificed that we might have life.  All of us have been saved.

Jesus's reply to the apostles is clear and simple:
There is no one who performs a mighty deed in My name who can at the same time speak ill of Me.  For whoever is not against us is for us.

How wonderful if we could all live with an understanding of our shared inheritance as children of the Father.  I definitely need to improve in this area -- locally (family, friends, acquaintances), globally, and ecumenically.  Lord, give me purity of heart to see Your beautiful design in all people.  Wonderful are Your works!

The little ones

Who will care for My children?  Who will love them?

The orphaned, the weak, the poor, the lonely.  The unloved.

Not unloveable.  No, Lord, You do not create any of us to be so, for You love us all equally and have made us all in Your image.

But there are so many of Your little ones left alone, abandoned in all countries of the world because they were unwanted or uncared for.

Who will care for them? Whom shall I send?

I will go, Lord.  I will love them and want them and care for them.  Every doubt, every possible exception is removed when You but call.  I do not have much, my Lord.  I desire to live simply and to love fully and to grow holy in Your sight.  But I can do all that and still answer the call that You have chosen.  All I need is Your grace, and I know that You will provide for all my material needs.  Lord, show me Your will.  I want only and always to please You.

Whether I can best serve You in a convent, or in a school, or in the home, I do not know.  But I know that I am prepared to do any of these things.  O Lord, do not forsake the work of Your hands!

*      *        *      *      *       *      *     *
Thank God for Teresa, good friend and missionary sister in Christ!  So blessed to talk to her today, someone who understands my heart cry and has been through it all before.  Someone who is experiencing the same anxiety about the future and can pass on words of wisdom that she received: it's about "faithfulness, not feelings."  Being faithful in the little things is sometimes the hardest because it can be difficult to see God's will.  No, writing this paper won't save poor children starving in Africa.  It won't convert any college students in the Midwest (not right now, anyway).  But it is where He has placed me in this moment, and how hypocritical I would be to not accept His will with gratitude.  All for You, my Jesus!

It's true what Leah said, that it's the life of a missionary having to say goodbye to good friends, only catching up with them in passing, not knowing when you may see or hear from them next.  But I am so blest to be called to this life in my near future, and so I will do all I can to please Him today.

Day 6: Following the way

Had about 6 inches of snow last night!  Morning classes were canceled -- thank you, dear Jesus!

Fr. Hector's homily was short and sweet this morning.  He talked about the history of the feast of the Chair of St. Peter, that originally it was tradition for people to leave an empty chair in memory of a loved one.  We now see the empty chair as the place we are called to fill.  Fr. Hector said that if we know our destination, it's okay if we don't know everything that will happen along the way.  We're constantly focused on moving towards God and our eternal home, so no obstacle can stand in our path.  The snow this morning was an obstacle to attending Mass, yet we still came because we wanted to be present at the celebration of the Eucharist.

I like this idea, that we have an ultimate destination and everything else is just details, all of which will be taken care of by God.  In the FOCUS talk by Lisa Cotter that we listened to last night, she encouraged us not to be anxious about our vocations.  I felt like she was speaking directly to me, since I've been fretting so much over it lately.  I so desire to be sure of God's plan for my life, but now is not the time.  He will reveal all when He sees fit.

The Gospel was Jesus giving Peter the keys to the kingdom.  In Peter's letter, he commands the presbyters to care for their people, "overseeing not by constraint but willingly. [...] Do not lord it over those assigned to you, but be examples to the flock.  And when the chief Shepherd is revealed, you will receive the unfading crown of glory."  I've really failed in this area, I think.  I did give a good effort with CCM, at least through last year.  Since then, I've been discouraged and have for the most part given it up.  It saddens me because I know I'll look back on these years and say I should have done more, but I just don't have the heart for it right now.  Is it fair to say that there seems to be little-to-no effort on the part of most members, even just regarding participation?  I suppose that's irrelevant.  God has given me this responsibility, and I must live it out to the best of my ability.  Forgive me, Lord, I am but a lowly sinner.  Give me strength to carry on, even when the way is difficult.

Day 5: God's wisdom

A little dreary outside this morning, but still it feels good to wake up early and begin my day with Jesus.  Unfortunately my mind was wandering somewhat during the homily but I picked up a few interesting points:

First reading was from Sirach on wisdom (what else?).  We should pray for the wisdom to see events in our lives as God sees them, not as the world sees them.  The Gospel was the story of Jesus casting out a demon from a boy.  Jesus' words to His apostles, who were unable to drive it out, are, "O faithless generation how long will I be with you?"  How many times have I failed to put my faith in Christ?  How often have I placed limitations on God and on what He can do in my life?  The deacon said our faith should be genuine, childlike, and total.  I pray for faith today to allow the Spirit to move in my life and to guide me to greater wisdom.

Spoke to the third-order Carmelites today after Mass.  Miss Judy and Mrs. Walsh, both very nice and approachable women, are interested in speaking to CCM.  Mrs. Walsh should be coming to our meeting tonight to discuss St. Teresa of Avila, Carmelite spirituality, etc.  I'm looking forward to it.

Later:
So blessed by the love of a stranger!  Fr. Farmer this morning jokingly asked me if I'd found my coat yet.  I told him no, and Mrs. Walsh overheard and was aghast that I had none to wear!  I told her no, but it was really okay.  I definitely wasn't trying to make a big deal out of it!  She said, "Oh, we have so many coats at home, I'll bring you one!"  I laughed and said no, really, it was fine.  I thought that was the end of it.

Tonight Matt calls me to say that Mrs. Walsh is on her way to campus...with a coat for me!  I couldn't believe it and felt almost guilty for having let people know, though honestly I wasn't looking for attention!  So I went to pick it up from her when she dropped by, and imagine my surprise when it turns out that she didn't just bring me an old coat from home -- she bought me one!!!  I'm shocked by the generosity of this woman, although I guess I shouldn't be.  Isn't that how we should all act as Christians?  A new friendship?  I hope so.  A testament to Carmelite spirituality?  Without a doubt.

It just serves as yet another reminder of how much the Father loves me.  If one of His children could show me such kindness, how much greater is His love, pouring out from His overflowing heart!  I am so unworthy, yet He has made up for everything, yes, even bought me back through the sacrifice of His precious blood!  Praise and glory, wisdom and thanks, honor and power and strength be to our God forever and ever!

Day 4: Joy

Sunday - I enjoy going to the early Mass rather than waiting for the evening one, although I do miss the contemporary music sometimes.  I don't mind sitting alone in church.  It's kind of nice to be there by myself, just sharing my thoughts with God and fully engaged in the liturgy.  That being said, I wasn't exactly alone, considering all the families with crying infants or chattering children.  Definitely makes it harder to pay attention, but it doesn't really bother me.  I love seeing the large families, the especially reverent parents with quiet children.  If God sees fit to bless me with a family someday, that's how I imagine it.  So much love, so much virtue is truly beautiful in His sight.

It occurred to me in Mass today that I am precious in His eyes.  More precious than a sparrow or a star in the sky.  A simple thought but a happy one.

I was so happy this morning upon leaving church - I said hello to Fr. Hector and shook his hand, then the same to Fr. Lou.  As I turned to leave, Fr. Farmer called to me, "Rebecca, where's your coat?"  It made me laugh, and then smile at the realization that the priests here know me.  I love the clergy; it's hard to explain, but there's nothing like the warm feeling you get when you're surrounded by priests and nuns, all bubbling over with pure joy in the peace of knowing they are loved by their Maker.  If I don't become a religious, I'd want to spend a great deal of my time at my parish, either volunteering in the office or dropping by the Adoration chapel regularly or cooking meals at the rectory.  I want to be involved in the lives of these people who best represent God's love to me.

In confession yesterday, Fr. Farmer told me that "joy is the face of faith."  He said that people will be drawn to Christ through our joy, so we must make an effort to express that attitude rather than having a somber or worried outlook on life.  I know this is something I desire, it's just going to take some practice and a lot of grace to get there.

O Holy Saint Philip Neri, Patron Saint of Joy, you who trust scripturesʼ promise that the Lord is always at hand, and that we need not have anxiety about anything. In your compassion, heal our worries and sorrows and lift the burdens from our hearts. We come to you as one whose heart swells with abundant love for God and all creation. Hear us, we pray, especially in this need (make your request here). Keep us safe through your loving intercession, and may the joy of the Holy Spirit which filled your heart, Saint Philip, transform our lives and bring us peace. Amen.

Day 3: Having faith

What is God asking of you, and how well are you doing it?

This was Fr. Farmer's question for us at morning Mass, and it struck me once again how literally He is calling us to follow Him and discern His will for our lives.  I think I have found the right avenue towards growing closer to Christ - I've decided to attend daily Mass, I'm working through the Meeting Christ in Prayer program, and overall just trying to stay more motivated to follow His plan.

The first reading from Hebrews - "Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen."

Why am I making this commitment?  What has convinced me to pull away from my worldly luxuries and instead focus my attention, my entire existence, on a God-man I have never seen?  On a story of salvation history I can never explain, much less prove?  It is my faith.  The faith of my fathers, of my family, of my Church.

"By faith Noah, warned about what was not yet seen, with reverence built an ark for the salvation of his household. Through this he condemned the world and inherited the righteousness that comes through faith." Hebrews 11:7

Such strong language - he condemned the world!  Noah, living in the middle of the desert, abandoned his former life and all that is considered sane and set out to build a massive ark.  He was mocked, certainly, but he persisted.  And in the end, his persistence was rewarded by his Maker.

So what is God asking of me?  I wish I had a better answer for this.  Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.

Notes:
The Magnificat meditation relates to today's Gospel - the Transfiguration.  "I am the Queen of heaven, and my Son loves you with all His heart.  So I advise you to love nothing except Him.  For He is so desirable that if you have Him, you will not be able to desire anything else." (St. Bridget of Sweden)
Falling in love with Christ will change everything.  Am I willing to let Him take hold of my entire life?  Is He calling me to live truly apart from the world as His bride?  Lord, hide me in the shadow of Your wings.  You alone are my hope!

Day 2: The Cross

Today began with quite the cross - waking up after only 5 hours of sleep to attend 7am Mass.  I didn't want to, was so close to giving up, but knew that I had promised Matt.  It took all my strength of will to get myself out of bed, but looking back on it, I wish I had treated it not as just a personal struggle but rather as a sharing in Christ's cross.  All for You, my Jesus!

The readings today were so applicable. (Sometimes I think Jesus does that just to make me smile.)  The tower of Babel, the confusion in our world.  The temptations that trap us in despair.  Then Jesus tells us that, to be His disciple, man must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Him.  God doesn't ask us to dedicate five minutes of our day, or even just to attend daily Mass.  No, Christ is radical because He exhorts us to abandon everything and seek only Him.  We must be willing to lose our very lives on this earth in order to gain what He has promised.

From the walk home:
I tend to see the many little crosses in my life, but nothing too overwhelming and long-lasting.  Maybe this is because God has blessed me with an easy life?  I love the image of us sharing in the cross and taking some of the weight off Christ's shoulders so He has less of a burden to bear.  This makes my suffering much more meaningful.  God does not give us unbearable burdens, and He will always provide us with the grace that we need to pick up and carry our crosses.

Day 1: The Challenge

God has called, and I cannot refuse.

Today was a wake-up call and a re-dedication of myself to Him.  I can't believe how blind I've been.  He's called me to give myself completely to Him, to offer everything I have as a sacrifice, and in return He's promised to fill me with every good thing.  And yet I've been holding so much back.  All the little things, the worldly "needs," everything I thought was important now seems meaningless.  I've been called to something higher, something greater - how can I do anything but follow Him??

I haven't fooled myself into thinking it will be easy.  In fact, I believe it will be the hardest thing I've ever done.  All I know is that, with His grace, anything is possible.  He has been so patient with me already, and I know He will continue to let His face shine upon me, guiding me ever closer into His light.  Will I make mistakes?  Will I fall?  Undoubtably.  Is that reason enough for me to give up or lower the stakes?  Never.  This is a battle that must be won.  A battle in which I must fight against the world and the evil one.  But I shall not fear, for God is on my side.

Today's notes:
Morning Mass with Matt.  God tells Noah to fill the earth and subdue it.  He once again demonstrates His love for mankind.  Jesus asks the apostles who they say He is, then rebukes Peter for standing in the way of what He must do - His sacrifice on the cross.
Meeting with Paul and Fr. Lou to plan for the upcoming CCM retreat.  Importance of evangelization and reaching those on the fringes.  This is something that terrifies me, but I cannot turn my face away from God's people.
Discussed idea of spiritual direction with Matt.  He suggests I reach out to Mrs. Walsh for advice...coffee on Saturday mornings?  Matt can also be a good source of support, since he's always inspired me to be a better person.

Providentially, tonight was the first session of our 8-week Meeting Christ in Prayer spiritual renewal program.  God is so good!  I'm very much looking forward to the overall experience, making the commitment to daily prayer, and seeing the fruits of my growing relationship with Christ.