Jesus, You are my joy

...and I, too, am Your joy.

So writes Fr. Jean  C. J. d'Elbee in his book I Believe in Love.  This is something that has changed my way of thinking about myself, my soul, my loving Father, and my relationship with God.

This morning after Mass, I went to breakfast and coffee with Mrs. Walsh and Dr. Campbell.  We talked for hours - most of the time I spent just listening, absorbing all their knowledge and wisdom of spirituality, evangelism, and our culture.  Dr. Campbell is such a joyous soul and has the tendency to laugh quite often, whereas Mrs. Walsh more frequently has a knowing smile, one that warms you and makes you realize how much she truly cares.

Afterwards, I sat with Mrs. Walsh in her car and discussed temperaments, joy, participation and cooperation with God's will, discernment of spirits, and trust.  When we finally came around to it, I brought up the topic of scrupulosity.  Her words really surprised me - "It is a gift."  I immediately retorted, "No, it's not!"  But she insisted that this is indeed a gift, although we must choose to view it as such.  She said that many of the great saints were scrupulous: St. Therese and St. Gertrude, and I listed St. Alphonsus Liguori and St. Ignatius Loyola.  She told me, for example, of St. Gertrude's great awareness and prompt response to the movement of the Holy Spirit.  Of course I recognize that this cross is one which can be used for good, as a sacrifice for others.

The temptation to be scrupulous should be combatted by pouring our hearts into trusting God.  Jesus, I trust in You!  Making the act of faith is another tactic.  Recognizing that we merit and deserve to go to hell, but only by God's grace are we saved.  We can do nothing but hope in His mercy and grace.

My favorite analogy that she made was that I am a flower whose only job is "to be."  I cannot provide for myself.  It is not my responsibility to find food or sunshine.  It is acceptable for me to expect that my loving Father will provide me with all my needs.  Never once in my childhood did I worry about whether my dad would go to work.  In the same way, I must become like a child before God and trust in Him completely, without reservation.

God allows me to be just one piece of the puzzle in the spiritual lives of others.  If He allowed us to do all the work or to see the merits of our actions, we would be prideful.  He moves each person from A to Z, but we only take part in a small portion of that journey.

Finally, Mrs. Walsh reminded me of God's great and unequivocal love - that He chose me from the beginning of time, that He handpicked my parents and the era in which I would live, that He selected my gifts and knew what would make me both smile and cry.  That He loved me when I was a sinner just as much as He loves me today.  That I can do nothing to increase that love because I am already receiving it in the full.

Indeed, in every moment God is loving me into existence.  And that alone brings me great joy.