Day 12: Joy in the sacred

How do I put this as simply as possible?  I love being Catholic.  Serious Catholic.  Daily Mass-attending Catholic.  Fit-in-more-with-old-ladies-than-with-my-peers Catholic.

How do I put this without sounding prideful, holier-than-thou, or as though I'm getting ahead of myself?  I want to be a Dominican sister.  To fill myself with Him daily so that I can empty myself out to others in service of Him.

This morning I went to Mass at St. John's (home), then stayed for the rosary.  If only I had no obligations but to grow in the love of Christ.  I'm sorry, Jesus -- it's hard for me to see the meaning behind Your plan for me here at college.  I just want to give up all in pursuit of You!  Not that I'm dreading FOCUS, since I know it will change me entirely and help me be holy, but it makes my heart a little sad to know that I have to wait two years before I can actively discern.  Of course this is providential, since I may even discover a call to the married life while I'm a missionary, but at the moment it's a little difficult to accept.

O Lord, give me strength to persevere in these last few months!  Holy Spirit, fill me with courage.

Day 11: Callings

I didn't go to Mass this morning since I went to yesterday's vigil Mass.  I need to work on taking better care of myself physically; both Dean and Fr. Lou mentioned that yesterday, and it's something I don't usually consider, but our physical health is so clearly tied in with our spiritual health.  I wasn't able to focus yesterday on the rosary, couldn't give my full attention at Mass, and didn't get to the daily lectio divina because I was exhausted from having gotten only four hours of sleep the night before, and not much better on previous nights.

Went up to church today for a rosary and my own prayer time.  Mrs. Cohn asked that I write down my thoughts on why Lifeteen is necessary for St. John's youth group.  It's amazing to see how all my experiences are beginning to fall together.  The research that I'm conducting, my future work as a college missionary, my current position as CCM president, the struggles that my brother is presently going through, and now this planning committee at my home parish are all focused on the same idea.  I'm glad I can offer them advice.  Reminds me of God's words to Jeremiah:

"Say not, 'I am too young.'  To whomever I send you, you shall go; whatever I command you, you shall speak."

Our society seems to be maturing more slowly these days.  We are called at a young age to contribute our labors and intelligence to the greater community, but we often protest that we can be of little use.  Ask someone older, wiser, more experienced.  Not us, for we do not know how to speak.  This is a paralyzing worry, since our fear of inadequacy prevents us from trying at all.  Why can't we simply trust that God will speak through us?

"Then the Lord extended His hand and touched my mouth, saying, "See, I place My words in your mouth!"

A note on vocations:
I've been struggling with this concern for weeks now, unsure what life God is ultimately calling me to.  I finally, through wise mentorship, recognized that it is not for me to know at this time.  I am just called to be faithful in my current circumstances.
Today, though, the thoughts began again.  What if I'm meant to be a Dominican?  How beautiful it would be to sing His praises...to spend hours in silent prayer...even to be a spiritual mother through instruction of children.  How I would love to wear the habit, to be a concrete representation of God's work on earth!  How removed I am from our society.  How beautiful it would be to share my love for cooking and simultaneously serve my fellow sisters.  To have those strong bonds with other religious who are also working towards His kingdom.
As I tried to remind myself that this is not the time, that I should not expect God to reveal anything to me until later, I realized how silly that is.  What if He is revealing it to me, right in this moment?  My feelings about FOCUS, that it was too good to be true, that no real job could possibly provide such joy -- this is somewhat similar.  If thinking about FOCUS and being with the other missionaries makes me genuinely happy, and if I recognize that joy as coming from God, then why am I reluctant to believe that the Dominican Order, which also brings me joy, may be part of God's plan for my life?

God, save me from my pride.  Any human desires that do not come from You, please remove them from my heart and instead fill me with Your own desires for my life.

Day 10: Renewal

I am completely exhausted - physically, emotionally, and spiritually (though in a positive way as a result of all the spiritual growth I've been doing lately).  Today was good, and even great except for the constant, nagging worry about Paul.  I can't seem to shake those feelings.

Morning Mass, then to IHOP with Matt and Oliver.  Back to the parish center to set up for the mini-retreat. We had three students come with Emma from Stevenson, and there were five of us from McDaniel.  Fr. Lou talked about discernment of God's will, and Dean spoke about going against the flow of our culture.

Adoration was a gift.  I walked in last and there was no place to sit except the last pew, but someone was already taking up the part with the kneeler, so all that was left was the bench piece that extends across to the middle of the back wall of the chapel.  I genuflected and sat down, and almost gasped at what I saw.  I was face-to-face with Jesus in the Eucharist.  I've always sat on one side or the other, but now I was dead center and couldn't do much about it.  And without a kneeler, I didn't have much of a choice but to sit, to remain still and let God love me.  I want to learn silence, though I think it will take some time to cultivate it.

I'll write tomorrow when I'm coherent again.

Lord Jesus, I love You with all of my heart.

Day 9: Prayers and tears

Feeling heartbroken this morning.  I texted Paul last night to see how he's been doing, but I didn't expect him to really open up to me.  It sounds like he's hurting, a lot.  Taking lots of tests, dealing with his girlfriend's stresses, and just plain missing home.  But the worst of it is that he's losing his faith.  He said he's a completely different person now than before joining the Marines, that he feels like he has two separate identities, and that he doesn't know what he believes in anymore.  He feels spiritual but not religious and doesn't agree with the rule/ritual aspect of religion.  But at the same time, he is very tangibly feeling the effects of evil and is struggling with how to fight that.  More details are too hard for me to type right now.

Lord, heal my aching heart!  I kept crying through parts of Mass this morning.  I know many people would tell me this is common and that he'll come back, but I'm frightened.  He's so lost and depressed and is grappling for anything that might help, but somehow he can't see that simply returning to church and to God can change everything!  The evil one is becoming very real to him, and I pray that this fearful understanding will spark a conversion in him.

Lord God, protect my little brother.  Mother Mary, cover him with your mantle, for he needs you now more than ever.  As of today I'm starting a daily rosary for Paul, and I know that you cannot refuse one of your children.  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, do not abandon him!

St. Michael, protector of the Marines, pray for us!

The cry of my heart

My past won't stop haunting me
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be

This thorn in my side is a grace
For because of it the flesh and blood of God
Was offered in my place, my place

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me

Where did my best friends go?
In my defense they disappeared
Just like Your friends did to You, O Lord

But You were there, You gave me strength
So this little one might come to know
The glory of Your name, Your name

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me

Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Jesus, You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me


[Matt Maher, Empty and Beautiful]

Day 8: Cutting it out

Today's Gospel was from Mark, though we heard the same story from Matthew's perspective this past Sunday.  Jesus tells the disciples that if their hand or foot causes them to sin, they should cut it off.  Fr. Ray commented that if we took this reading literally, cutting off a limb every time we sinned, "we'd be a lot smaller."  We all seem to agree that Jesus isn't asking us to maim our bodies, but I think we have a tendency to take this reading too lightly.

Lord, what are You asking me to cut out of my life?  I have many daily habits, many of which are not sinful but still do not give You glory.  Immoderation always seems to be my downfall, whether in my diet, my time spent on the internet, or my relationships with others.  I recently read an article by a Lifeteen missionary who decided to get rid of his Facebook account.  It impressed me that he chose to take a rather drastic route instead of just making a commitment to spend less time on it.  He recognized that, for him at least, it encouraged vanity and was an addiction that did not give glory to God.  From past experience, he knew that he would not have the self-control to maintain the account in a more moderate fashion, so he cut it out entirely.

Lent begins in just a few short weeks.  How can I better myself or make better use of my time?  How can I repay the Lord for all the good done for me?

Day 7: Gather us in

This morning's Gospel was the story of the apostles informing Jesus that they tried to keep a man from casting out demons since he was not a follower.  So often I have done the same!  Lord, this man is not Catholic.  This woman does not attend Mass or even read the Bible.  These people offend you with immoral acts.  They cannot be part of us.  How prideful I am!  What ignorance, to think that they must love God less than I do, or that God does not value us all equally.

I remember very specifically periods when I have struggled with understanding our place in God's kingdom.  We are all so different and come from various walks of life.  But, in his homily this morning, Fr. Hector referenced the words of John Paul the Great, who said that we must recognize what we have in common with others rather than looking for our differences.  Just think:

God created us all in His image.  Male and female He created them.  No person on earth does not fall into the category of a created human being.

Our first parents sinned, and thus have we all sinned.  We are all fallen beings.  (Except for Mary, obviously.)

The Father sent His Son to bring salvation to His people.  A single drop of His blood would save the entire human race, and yet He allowed Himself to be sacrificed that we might have life.  All of us have been saved.

Jesus's reply to the apostles is clear and simple:
There is no one who performs a mighty deed in My name who can at the same time speak ill of Me.  For whoever is not against us is for us.

How wonderful if we could all live with an understanding of our shared inheritance as children of the Father.  I definitely need to improve in this area -- locally (family, friends, acquaintances), globally, and ecumenically.  Lord, give me purity of heart to see Your beautiful design in all people.  Wonderful are Your works!