Hardened hearts and beginning anew

The first reading from Jeremiah today is quite a contrast from yesterday's reading.  The Lord instructs Jeremiah to say to the people:

This is the nation that does not listen to the voice of the LORD, its God, or take correction.  Faithfulness has disappeared; the word itself is banished from their speech.

Have we allowed our hearts to become hardened?  Apathy towards evil is like a sickness that spreads throughout the body, and we must now pay the consequences of not stopping the sin before it grew unwieldy.  Court cases dealing with abortion, protests at funerals, transgender equality, homosexual unions...all of these evils have now returned to haunt us.  We cannot blame God, for He has not been silent.  Perhaps He has been warning us in the forms of natural disaster -- He allows the aftereffects of our sinfulness to play out, so recently our world has faced earthquakes, tsunamis, tornados, fires, famine, floods, and unending war.

Lord, this is the people that longs to see Your face!  Do not abandon us; do not leave us orphans.

Fr. Lou reminded us that we are only halfway through Lent.  This is the perfect time for us to review our Lenten resolutions; even if we have been failing, we can still rededicate ourselves to Jesus.  And to that, I say, Amen!

Not enough

I certainly don't consider myself perfect, but I must say I was feeling quite accomplished and proud of myself for my recent strides in the way of faithfulness.  And yet there is always something more we must do.  Fr. Hector stressed in his homily this morning the idea of sacrifice.  It is not enough just to come to Sunday Mass or even daily Mass.  Are we doing good works for others?  Are we striving every day to build up treasure in heaven?  Matt related a homily he'd heard recently on the Gospel of the corporal works of mercy -- "Whatever you did to the least of My brothers...".  The priest compared this a final exam for which we already know the answers.  If we know what we'll be tested on, why aren't we preparing for it?


On another note, we seem barraged these days with legislation from our corrupt government that supports a culture of death and moral degradation.  It seems discouraging at times, but we must remember to have hope, for the Lord is on our side.  Surely, He will see us through any trials we must face.  He will not abandon us but rather walk beside us every step of the way, often carrying us when we do not have the strength to walk.
                                                                                                                                                                  From this morning's first reading (Dt. 4:7): For what great nation is there that has gods so close to it as the LORD, our God, is to us whenever we call upon him?
                                                                                                                                                                    How appropriate to our struggling world!  May Christ's justice and peace ever reign!

Forgiveness: As we forgive our debtors

In today's Gospel, Peter asks Jesus how many times he must forgive his brother.  I never realized just serious is the penalty for not showing forgiveness.  Jesus tells the story of the servant whose loan was forgiven by the King but who then showed no mercy to a man who owed him much less.  The King handed the wicked servant over to torturers!  We must be aware of what is in store for us if we hold grudges and live with hatred in our hearts.

Fr. Farmer encouraged us to look at a crucifix today, to remember that our sins nailed Jesus there, and yet still He is a God of mercy.  So must we also forgive all those who hurt us.

The morning prayer's intercessions from the Magnificat were particularly thought-provoking.  Reminded me somewhat of the Litany of Humility, though I found them even harder to accept, perhaps because I am unaccustomed to them.

(Each phrase is followed by "we pray, Lord, have mercy.")

Give peace to those who have destroyed our peace...
Give love to those who have refused us love...
Protect from injury those who have done us injury...
Grant success to those who have competed with us to our loss...
Give prosperity to those who have taken what was ours...

Peace in the moment

It's getting more and more difficult to be patient with housemates in these last weeks of the semester.  Everyone seems to be on her last nerve, and none of us can handle the stress at home when we're trying to struggle through the heavy workload.  I'm praying now for peace amongst friends, and in our world at large.  A particular group of picketers has been wreaking havoc on families mourning the deaths of their military heros.  When did our world reach this level of hatred and disrespect for one's fellow man?

Mass this morning was good to recenter my thinking, but I'm going to need regular reminders throughout the day to stay focused.  Jesus, help me!  I need You now.

How to be humble

Today in confession, Fr. Ray explained that my penance would be to pray for a spirit of humility and quiet service to God.  It surprises me that I never really knew before this year how prideful I am.  When Christ said, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first," He wasn't just asking us to share a piece of cake with a friend.  Why haven't I ever taken His words seriously?  I should be last.  Always.  Not settling for second, not the average joe, but last.

That isn't easy.  For those of us who have spent most of our lives trying to stay on top - to have the last laugh, the best grade, the most impressive connections - this comes as a major shock.  What, you want me to be a servant, to be lowly even in the face of mockery and contempt??

My Savior was.

God has never asked us to do anything He has not already done.  But He gave His very life for us -- is it fair for us to give Him any less?

Pride cannot stand if I see the face of Christ in others.  Love will conquer pride when I truly recognize all my brothers and sisters as created by God.

I think I'll be taking a lot of back seats over the next week.  May I see Christ shaping me into a servant worthy of His call.

Eye has not seen

You are my God, and You are my All, and I have never seen You.

This is my favorite line from St. Anselm's prayer.  I think it's beautiful and yet wistfully sad.  How strongly we desire to know Him, to see Him as He truly is, the God-man.  We are such a flawed human race, and we seem to need visual reminders of the reality of our Savior.

On another note, I attended Mass this morning -- beautiful, dedicated to Mary on the Solemnity of the Annunciation.  For some reason, I was a little saddened that Fr. Farmer wasn't wearing blue vestments, but perhaps white, which is saved for feast days, makes it even more special.

My Jesus, I love You.  I am so thankful for all that You have revealed to me and for the seed You have sown in my heart.  I desire only to do Your will.  Refine my heart, O Lord!

Southern Sunday

Praise Jesus for the warmth of spring!  Visiting Teresa and Shawn in Nashville and trying to do some wedding planning.  I don't think today will be very productive, but that's alright -- I suppose that's the nature of the Lord's day.  Spent the morning at Shawn's church and then at his sister's in-law's house for brunch.

It's been hard this past week, being out of school and away from my usual routine.  I haven't gotten any work done, but that's not the biggest thing.  I've been slipping spiritually.  Not in a sinful way, per se, just not centering my life on Him.  I can't wait to get back to daily Mass, which has been somewhat impossible with recent traveling.  Adoration, too, I truly miss.  The God-shaped hole in my heart is sadly not as full as it once was.  Oh, how dearly I want Him to fill it again to the point of bursting!

My Jesus, I love You!

Mission talk: End times

Mass this morning followed by the last of the mission talks at my church.  The Redemptorist priest spoke on the rewards of discipleship, basically outlining the four last things.  His stress was on trusting in God's great love and not fearing death or judgment.  A few notes:

* "As we live, so we will die."  We shouldn't worry about hell as long as we're on the journey to heaven.

* Purgatory is a gift, a time for us to let go of whatever we're still carrying.  Christ has already atoned for our sins, but we may still not be pure enough to enter heaven (i.e. may not yet trust God completely, etc.).

* God will be there at the moment we die; He wants us to have a peaceful death.

He told us a beautiful story about an old man who was dying yet had no fear. Years before, when his faith was weak and God did not feel real to him, a priest had instructed him to imagine Jesus in great detail sitting in the chair across from him.  Once he had grasped this, he should tell Jesus everything he'd always wanted to say to Him.  Then Jesus would speak to him as well.
The man did this, and throughout the rest of his life he continued to have such close conversations with the Lord.  When the doctor told him he did not have long to live, the old man could not wait for him to leave the hospital room so he could speak to Jesus.  He was so happy to finally be going home where Jesus could embrace him.  Jesus replied that He, too, was overjoyed and excited for the man to join Him in heaven.
The man soon died and was found in his bed, but with his head resting on the chair beside him.  He had died with his head resting in Jesus' lap.  What a beautiful way to return home.

This story made me cry.  How dearly I want to see Jesus!

This is my temporary home.
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home.

After several days...

Almost a week since I've blogged, and for good reason.  Flew out to LA Friday morning and spent the weekend with Paul.  Finally got back last night.  A few blessings - and surprises - along with way:

* I almost got left behind.  I was given the last seat on the last possible flight.  Mom, Dad, and Bridgette left on an earlier flight but there weren't enough seats, so I had to stay and wait for another plane.  The next flight was overbooked, and the one after that was full as well.  So I waited anxiously, trying to surrender my will to His.  And the Lord proved once again that He cannot be outdone in generosity!  I secured a seat on the only direct flight and met the others in the LA airport.

* A passenger seated next to me on the plane struck up a conversation that eventually led to discussion of the differences between Roman Catholicism and Greek Orthodox, the need for confession, the rules against women priests and marriage of priests, etc.  I was so proud to defend my faith and thankful for my little knowledge of apologetics and Scripture.  We discussed my plans with FOCUS and I was hopeful that he might offer a donation or at least a form of contact for the future, but it was not in God's will, at least not at this time. Who knows, that may not be the last I hear from him!  I felt very grateful for this chance to evangelize.  What adventures these two years of missionary work will bring!

* I'd started a novena to St. Therese a few days before the trip.  I usually don't do them but had picked up a prayer card at St. John's.  Wasn't even counting the days, just using any source of prayer and comfort I could find in those dark hours.  On Saturday, I realized that I'd already "received" roses in several forms that day - my mom had pointed some out, and then my dad decided to stop in a local church...dedicated to none other than St. Therese of the Child Jesus.  Still, these both occurred to me in hindsight and didn't feel "real."  No, I'm the kind of girl who needs a slap in the face, not just gentle hints.  So I waited.

* We attended Mass that evening at St. Kateri Tekakwitha.  When you enter the church and look to your right, there is a little devotion area in honor of Our Lady of Guadalupe, complete with statues of both the Blessed Mother and Juan Diego and, of course, roses.  This was the sign!  St. Therese knows my faith is the size of a mustard seed.  A single rose carried by a passerby or displayed in a window might not be enough, so she sent me the greatest, most miraculous collection of roses in all of history!  Thank you, Little Flower, for petitioning Our Lord on my behalf.  I know all is in His hands.

* And finally, the rosaries, the lit candles, the sorrowful pleadings in prayer...our Blessed Mother heard them all and presented them to her Son.  And He listened.  Paul is safe from the feared injustices and wrongful accusations, and all is not as hopeless as it seemed.  I am, of course, continuing my prayers for him, as he so desperately needs to recognize Christ and return to the sacraments.  But I know now that God is not just watching him from afar.  No, my loving Father is keeping Paul safe from harm, carrying him in the palm of His Hand and sending His angels to guard him in all his ways.

My sweet Jesus, I adore You.  I thank You.  I praise you.
St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle!

Day 22: Choosing to follow

First reading today from Deuteronomy - "I have set before you life and death... Choose life!"

Gospel from Luke - "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me."

I know this won't be an easy weekend.  I'm scared of having to miss morning Mass on Friday and Saturday because of our trip to California.  Lord, give me Your strength when I can't receive You in the Eucharist.  Come to my aid, make haste to help me!

I choose...life.

Day 21: From ashes

Attended Ash Wednesday Mass this morning.  I didn't sleep well last night -- Paul's been unjustly accused and may suffer punishment accordingly.  It's just not fair, and I'm trying to see God's hand in it all but this is hard.  His faith is already so weak, his despair increasing, and being found guilty of something he had no part in is only going to make him more jaded and angry at the world, it seems.

Lord Jesus, I believe that you have a plan for him -- for his welfare, not for destruction.  Do not abandon him in his hour of greatest need.  Mary, Mother of God, cover him in your mantle.  Plead for him to your Divine Son, Who can never refuse you.

Jesus, I want to live for You, if only for today.  Help me rise above the ashes to become the person You have created me to be.

Day 20: Making a change

Fr. Hector gave me advice today regarding improvement of our spiritual lives.  He said that it's not really possible, even with good intentions, to immediately change habits.  His smoking habit, for instance, was hard to break.  When he finally turned it over to God after manmade "cures" didn't help, he was able to give it up, but it wasn't easy.  He approached it one day at a time, telling God that "just for today" he would not smoke.  Gradually, his need to smoke decreased, and now it's not even a passing thought in his mind.  But the point was that he had to focus only on the present day and not look ahead.  How easy it is for me to become overwhelmed when looking at my life as a whole!  I feel as though I've failed before I've even begun because the road before me stretches farther than I can see.  But, just for today, Lord, I will live for You!

This idea of course is reminiscent of the verse from Matthew -- Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself -- but it also reminds me of this "Decalogue for Daily Living":

1. Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once. 
2. Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself. 
3. Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one. 
4. Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes. 
5. Only for today, I will devote ten minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul. 
6. Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it. 
7. Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and it my feelings are hurt, I will make sure no one notices. 
8. Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision. 
9. Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world. 
10. Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness.
Indeed, for twelve hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life. Bl. Pope John XXIII  


What a beautiful prayer if said meaningfully every day.  Which reminds me, Fr. Lou challenged me to pray the Litany of Humility each day.  Maybe these are to be my Lenten prayers.

Day 19: Moderation

...will be the theme of my Lent this year.  I have none and thus must practice for 40 days.  I'm looking forward to this but am also very scared, since I know the limits of my own humanity.

Moderation in eating - no desserts, only healthy (fruit, veggie, yogurt) snacks outside of meals
Moderation in freetime - only 1 hour per day on the internet for all my blogging, recipe searching, etc.

These are the two areas in which I struggle the most.  In past Lents I've completely cut out certain elements,  like facebook, blogs, and food in-between meals, but this hasn't helped me in the long run.  I always return to my bad habits.  I want to focus more on Christ, which I think I can accomplish if I stop using the internet as a distractor and food as a filler for my boredom, a comfort for my worry, an escape from my problems.

Not sure yet what to do regarding my spiritual life, since I've already added several forms of daily prayer.  The Rosary, Meeting Christ in Prayer, daily Mass, semi-regular Adoration... maybe just be more attentive to them?

Day 18: Sharing other's sorrow

Finally got a full night's sleep -- praise God for rest!  Feeling refreshed and hoping to get work done today.

Heavy-hearted today.  Paul texted me at 1a.m. his time.  His roommate is causing problems and got them kicked out of the room last night.  I'm so angry and sad for him, praying hard that justice will be served and that this won't cost him next weekend's leave.  He's already so broken, Lord; don't let this bring him down even more.

Stayed after Mass this morning to pray my rosary and was pleasantly surprised to find that the St. John's Rosary group gathers immediately after the 8:45 Mass.  I was able to concentrate so much better while praying with them instead of by myself.

Making CCM dinner tonight, then helping out with cleanup after the coffeehouse at St. John's.  Jesus, be in my thoughts, on my lips, and in my heart today.  Bring peace and forgiveness to Paul's heart.

*********************************
Tonight was a lot of fun....no, really!  I forgot how much I enjoy doing service at a parish.  I showed up at 5 and helped Paul unwrap tablecloths, set out tealights in hurricane lamps, and place all the food on trays.  I served cookies to everyone once the coffeehouse began, then got to sit back and enjoy the music.  Four seminarians make up the acapella group, "Sixtus."  They're fantastic!  All genres of music made for a nice variety, and they added a plug for vocations.

Afterwards I talked with one of the seminarians.  We discussed my upcoming plans and discernment and then he suggested that we pray together.  I love that and hope that one day as a missionary I will be able to do the same.  He prayed that God might burn not me but the chaff that is around me.  I'd never heard that before, but I like the image.  May I do everything for Our Lord!

Day 17: Rest for the soul

Getting up this morning for Mass was a little harder than usual, but I knew I had no choice...it's Saturday!  I love this Mass at St. John's because of the devotion to Our Lady.  The priest wears a white chasuble with blue accents and the deacon has a white stole with a small picture of Mary near the shoulder.  My favorite part is that, at the end of Mass, we sing the first verse of "Immaculate Mary" a cappella.  Maybe I love it so much because it's the only form of music we have other than at Sunday Mass -- what a beautiful tribute to our Blessed Mother!  Very simple yet radiant, just like her.

I know that I need to go to confession today; it's been two weeks and I won't be able to go next weekend.  When we were kids, Mum took us every two months.  In recent years I'd been trying to go once a month, but these days it seems like my spiritual strength lasts only about 2 1/2 or 3 weeks and then I can feel myself start to slip away.  It still makes me quite anxious, unfortunately, so I know I'll have a nervous stomach for all of today, but at least by this evening I'll be filled again with God's grace.

My goal for today is to be productive -- work on my senior paper! -- and to practice moderation in eating.  I know Lent isn't for four days but I really need to address this now rather than waiting.  Dearest Jesus, bring light to the darkness of my heart today.

Day 16: Living in the light

What joy this is!  To live in the light of Christ every day, to share in His greatest sacrifice of the Mass, to receive Him - Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity.  To know that in every moment I am doing my best to act according to the motions of the Spirit.

Mass this morning with the school children.  I was there early to say my Rosary for Paul and stayed afterward to read from I Believe in Love.  I've been too long away from that book and forgot how pleasing it is to unite my heart to the Heart of Jesus.

I hope it's not silly to keep bringing up the same topics, but I really do continue to feel called to be a religious.  I just can't see living any other way, without the graces of daily Mass, Adoration, spiritual reading, work in the service of God, and community with like-minded souls.  What could be closer to heaven on earth?

Jesus, remove all vanity and pride from my heart.  Fill me with only holy desires.  Strengthen me as I seek to know and do Your will.  Amen.

Day 15: Of friends and counselors

Today was a good day.

I didn't write any of my senior paper.  That will come
I didn't read the neuroscience articles.  All in good time.
I didn't improve my score in bowling class.  Need more practice.
I didn't get very much accomplished in the way of the world at all.

But I did attend morning Mass with three friends.
I did invite those friends to a homemade pancake breakfast in my apartment.
I did have a deep and gratifying discussion of vocation discernment with Matt.
I did listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, call up an old friend, and catch up on her life.
I did pray a Scriptural Rosary with Matt and have a heart to heart about our spiritual growth.
I am going to CCM's Meeting Christ in Prayer/Adoration hour tonight.
I am going to the Adoration chapel in the wee hours of the night/morning to help cover our shift.

All in all, this has been a very successful day, at least in a spiritual sense. And that is what matters the most to me.  It brings me great joy to spend a day like this, though I must admit there's always a lingering feeling of anxiety in the back of my mind, knowing that there is so much I have to do if I want to receive a diploma in just a few short months.  But I believe that God is looking after me, and I know that I can do all of this with His help.

I only wish that every day could be like this one.  That I could use every moment to bring glory to God and to learn how best to know, love, and serve Him.  Lord, teach me Your ways!

Words of St. Teresa of Avila

There are some...whom the Lord called out of a world of much vanity and ostentation where they could have been satisfied in conformity with its laws.  And the Lord has so doubled their joys in this house that they realized clearly He has given them a hundred joys for every one they left.  And they can't get enough of thanking His Majesty.  With others, He has changed what was good into something better.  To those who are young He gives fortitude and knowledge so that they are unable to desire anything else, and they understand that to be detached from all the things of life is to live in the greatest calm, even in regard to earthly things.  To those who are older and have poor health He gives strength, and He gives them the power to bear the austerity and penance the others do.

O my Lord, how obvious it is that You are almighty!  There's no need to look for reasons for what You want.  For, beyond all natural reason, You make things so possible that You manifest clearly there's no need for anything more than truly to love You and truly to leave all for You, so that You, my Lord, may make everything easy...

They who really love You, my God, walk safely on a broad and royal road.  They are far from the precipice.  Hardly have they begun to stumble when You, Lord, give them Your hand.  One fall is not sufficient for a person to be lost, nor are many, if they love You and not the things of the world.  They journey in the valley of humility.  I cannot understand what it is that makes people afraid of setting out on the road of perfection.  May the Lord, because of who He is, give us understanding of how wretched is the security that lies in such manifest dangers as following the crowd and how true security lies in striving to make progress on the road of God.  Let them turn their eyes to Him and not fear the setting of this Sun of Justice, nor, if we don't first abandon Him, will He allow us to walk at night and go astray.

Day 14: Time with Jesus

In the middle of the night, I had a frightening dream - a dark shadow was approaching me, and I knew it to be the personification of evil.  It came closer and closer, and just as it reached me I gasped/screamed and woke myself up.  I was terrified and turned my face to the side.  Closing my eyes again, the darkness was all gone, and instead my whole mind and vision was filled with a strong light, not blinding but somehow warm.

This scares me a little, but it's comforting to know that Christ was present with me.  Usually a bad dream will stay with me and I won't be able to get images out of my head, but this time it was completely removed and replaced with...light? heavenly peace?

I went to Mass early this morning for some extra prayer time, and I'd like to start doing this more often.  Spoke with Sister afterwards, then talked to Mrs. Walsh.  Apparently her daughter went to Mdes, and her fellow Carmelite, Miss Judy, taught at Gibbons.  So all this time, Mrs. Walsh has known about me and about Mum's work at CG, and I had no idea.  I feel a little silly but blessed that we're all connected in this way.

I need to get so much work done today.  Jesus, be my strength!

Day 13: Strength in weakness

I was definitely not planning on attending Mass this morning.  Having gone to bed around 3:30, I knew I couldn't function on 3.5 hours of sleep.  I knew how horrible I'd feel in the morning and fully intended to text Matt when my 7am alarm went off and apologize for not coming.

But when I woke at 7, I had quite the surprise.  I didn't feel as though I'd been hit by a truck.  My body didn't ache with exhaustion.  On the contrary, it was as though my body was telling me, "Get up, let's go!"

This isn't due to exercise, healthy eating, vitamins, minerals, or anything of that sort.  No, this was God giving me His strength because He knew that I would need to receive Him in word and sacrament in order to make it through the day.

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.  Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.  [2 Cor 12:9-10]