The rain falls...

...on the just and the unjust.  This was part of today's Magnificat reading, and it became so relevant because, during morning Mass, a heavy rainstorm began.  It was only raining lightly when I left for church,  and I almost decided to walk instead of drive because the weather seemed a little warmer today.  I'm glad I didn't!

I love the humor of the clergy!  These days, Fr. Farmer is teasing Matt about the beard he's growing.  Said he's beginning to look a little Franciscan.  Matt said now all he needs is to take a little off the top!

I'm having trouble with silence.  Even when I try to quiet my mind, there's still a running commentary reminding me of everything I'm supposed to be doing.  I don't really know how to practice this, except to start with small increments of silence and work my way up.  Even 30 seconds is a challenge for me.  Mrs. Walsh told me that St. Teresa of Avila also struggled with this -- her intelligent and curious mind did not easily convert to contemplation.  She even said that it may never be easy for me on earth, but that even through the noise in my head, my soul may come to a state of resting in Christ.  I long for this.

Lord, help me to quiet my mind and hear only Your voice.

The sacred and the profane

I went to Mass this morning at St. John's here at home.  I had been sitting alone in the church for a while, people slowly filtering in, when all the children from the parish school appeared and began filling the pews on one side of the church.  At first I was a little annoyed -- would there be enough room?  Would I have to give up my seat?  They had broken the stillness of the quiet church and my attention that should have been focused on the divine was, as always, easily swept away by the human element.

And yet Christ is present in the everyday.  I am so quick to dismiss the world and our society in particular as corrupt and devoid of holiness, but this is far from the truth.  Yes, there is a great need for silence and reverence for the sacred traditions of our Faith.  But God has not called us all to the convent or the cloistered life.  I must learn to be mindful of the presence of God in all things.

How beautiful is the Body of Christ

I have always considered this song to be referring to His crucified and now resurrected and glorious Body, that which we receive in the Holy Eucharist.  But I wonder now if it doesn't also speak to the Church and all of us as the mystical Body of Christ and the entire Communion of Saints.

I spent the morning in the best of company - first with Our Lord at Mass, and afterwards Matt and I had the chance to speak with Sr. Faustina about her motherhouse.  Then we caught up with Mrs. Walsh and, bless her, she remembered from our conversation two weeks ago that we were to go to coffee today!  Matt headed home and she drove me to the diner where she allowed me to spill out my soul, my deepest desires, my excitement and fears for the future, and all that has been tugging on my heart recently.  We spoke of silence in prayer, growing in holiness, and finding one's vocation.  She briefed me on her own life and spiritual awakening, and through it all she tied in innumerable references to words of the saints and of Scripture.  I am so intrigued by the connections that can be made between our own spiritualities and those that have come before us, that there is in some sense a common bond among all of us who desire to enter into a more serious relationship with Christ and a deeper understanding of the mysteries of our Faith.

We talked for over two hours!  She said she didn't mind - this is her favorite topic of discussion.  She shared with me some of her own experiences and realizations that are similar to mine.  I almost wish I could have recorded our talk to have on hand for the future, for she has such wisdom coming from the Holy Spirit.  Hers is a life lived beautifully in union with Christ.  She is willing to become a spiritual mother to CCM, and for that I am so grateful.  It is providential as well, because just last night I met with Matt, Catherine, and Oliver to discuss the future of the group.  There are so many changes to be made for next year, and Oliver especially is passionately headed towards bringing new life into CCM.  I know God's hand is at work within the group, and yet there is so much at stake, so many things to be accomplished, and so little human power to carry it out.  But as Catherine said, this can only be done with the power of God.  Mrs. Walsh will be instrumental, I am sure, in fostering the spiritual development of CCM members and in providing strength and support to Matt, Oliver, and the others who are so invested in the task at-hand.

God bless Mrs. Walsh.  God bless Matt for bringing her to us.  God bless this parish and all it has done for the life of my soul.  God bless Oliver for having insight and passion to bring to the new generation of CCM.

Lord, I trust in Your infinite mercy and compassion.  Please lead me to wherever You would like me to go.  I am ready to do Your will, O God.  Help me to follow You.  Amen.

Starting fresh

Glory and praise to our God!  I slept for 9 hours last night -- dearly needed rest -- and woke up on my own at quarter after 6.  I took the scapular from Mrs. Walsh to Mass this morning and told Fr. Ray that I wanted to be invested.  He brought out the Book of Blessings and prayed over the scapular and over me.  I was so happy to be able to put it on after that.  I don't know why I never thought of it this way, but just as Mary is my mother, I am her daughter.  I like that it's a real, tangible relationship.

I give You thanks, O Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

The man born blind

Fr. Lou's notes on confession and spiritual blindness - We've either stopped recognizing sin or do not acknowledge that we need the Church for forgiveness.  We must return to the sacrament in order to be washed and have our eyes opened to our sinfulness.

Home of the soul

After Mass this morning, I was speaking to Sister.  When I said that I'm a senior and almost done with school, she said, "We'll miss you," to which I replied that I would miss the parish.  St. John's has been my spiritual home for the past four years.  I was attending Mass there before Fr. Farmer, Fr. Lou, and even Fr. Hector were assigned to the parish.  I have many fond memories of time spent at the church.

I'll miss the people most of all.  Knowing all the priests personally, and them calling me by name.  Homilies, especially from Fr. Ray when he pauses to lovingly address a noisy infant in the congregation.  Daily Mass - like the black and white weekday comics that tell a continuing story - especially on Saturday mornings when we conclude with "Immaculate Mary."  Staying after Mass to pray the Rosary with the elderly women.  Confession - such a grace for me who fears it and yet needs it so much.

The Adoration chapel - along with the priests, I think this is what I'll miss the most.  I pray there is one at the next church I attend.  Dropping into the parish center at any time, greeting the secretary, and stopping by Paul's office.  Yes, I will certainly miss Paul, his spiritual wisdom, strength of faith, and ability to put everything in perspective.

The stained glass windows.  The statue of the Blessed Mother.  The high arched panes of glass that give a beautiful view of the sky.

This post is making me sad.  Maybe I'll return to it later.

Dreary days

Christ, shine through the darkness in my life!  I am following You, but this life is hard.  I have not the strength to go it alone.  Times of loneliness and sorrow, times of weariness and fear, lost in the maze that I have created for myself and drawn in by the pleasures of this life.

Lately I've been feeling a little dry, as though my prayers are just words coming from an insincere heart.  I want my prayer to be meaningful, but I seem unable to silence myself long enough to listen to the voice of the Lord.  For all the times I thought I heard Him, I wonder if I was only attributing to Him the words I wanted to hear.

O Lord, break me and build me.  Change me and remake me.  I never want to be apart from You.