Beyond blessed

I have never been so grateful for the gift of my sister as I am today.  After attending Mass this morning, although feeling a little better than last night, I still felt a strong sense of desperation and disappointment.  I called her hoping for nothing more than confirmation that I am a good person despite my failings.  But she gave me so much more.

We talked for a full hour, or rather she talked for most of it and I listened, content for once to sit back and absorb the wisdom of one who has experienced the same pain.  We are strikingly similar, though not on a superficial level.  From our outward appearance, we are clearly sisters, yet our personalities could not be more different.  A chemist and a missionary, a realist and an optimist.  One dreams of raising a family embedded in the traditions of the Church, the other of joining a religious community and quietly resting in the Lord's presence.  Yes, in those ways we are quite different.

But when we look deeper into ourselves, at our strongest inclinations and our desire to be loved by the Father and to share this love with the world, we are the same.  Of all my peers, only she can understand me and can relate to my struggles.  Only she has been through the same difficulties and emerged stronger and more convicted in her Faith and her values.

Two minds, one soul, forever best friends.  My Jesus, I cannot thank You enough for this gift.

Sin breeds suffering

Tonight I am heartbroken and seeking only Him.  I want so dearly to understand the reason for this hurt, but the words I hear Him saying are "No, My dearest one.  Trust Me.  Look to Me and no one else for comfort.  I alone will provide all that you need."

I want to cry in sorrow for the consequences of my own sinfulness but no tears will come.  This is selfishness, wanting the situation to immediately be set aright merely because I have said my apologies.  Healing takes time, especially when hurt runs deep.

My pride, my selfishness, my pain.

His love, His mercy, His forgiveness.

No one else will do

Jesus, I trust in You!

Another ending

This is the last week of classes of my undergraduate career.  The majority of my life until this point has been focused on education and schooling.  The first years were spent at home with my mom as my teacher.  Those were blissful times, to be sure, although I did not fully appreciate them until much later.

High school was a formation of mind and spirit.  If presented again with the opportunity to attend Mount de Sales or another school, I would choose the Mount every time.  The influence of the Dominican sisters there cannot be overstated, and those four years hold memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

College has been quite the experience and unlike anything I expected.  Growth, although sometimes a painful process, is necessary for our development as servants of God.  It is not enough for us to remain naive as in childhood, as we cannot minister to struggling souls if we have no concept of life outside of our own sheltered homes.  Still, I sometimes repine for my lost innocence, not necessarily resulting from my own actions but rather from my exposure to the evils of our world.

There are times, I admit, when I reflect on my years at this institution and feel that I have not grown in knowledge or wisdom but have only cultivated a jaded outlook on life and on our culture in particular.  I sometimes have little hope for humanity to redeem itself -- we are already so fraught with hatred and disrespect for life and virtue that it seems impossible for us to pick ourselves up and be renewed.

And yet, at other times, I seem to recognize God's purpose in all of this.  His ways are higher than mine, are they not?  His plan is perfect, unlike my own.  He knows all the desires of my heart and wishes to fill them with Himself.  I have been exposed to the darkness that I may grow in the light and then reflect His light onto others, that they too may shine.

O Lord, fill me with Your love.  You know how deeply I desire to know You and serve You.  Reign in me once again, my Jesus.

Today's grace

At some points in life, it seems as though every day is a struggle.  I'm constantly battling against the forces of the evil one and the hatred caused by the fall of man.  It's in these times that I can physically feel the weight of sin and must fight to stay faithful, to trust in God's covenant even through the darkest hours.

Today, though, is not one of those times.  Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!  What a relief it was to finally attend a morning Mass after having skipped the past few days.  The church and the Adoration chapel are both beautifully decorated for Easter, and all creation seems to be following suit as the warm spring weather has lifted the gray veil of winter.

O my Jesus, You are our King and our Lover.  Shine brightly through me today, that I might be a witness to all who do not know Your love.

The unexpected

This morning did not quite go according to plan.

* I was looking forward to some prayer time before Mass, but the boys wanted a ride to church because of the heavy rainstorm so I agreed to wait for them - I figured it's a missionary sacrifice to give up my much-desired time with the Lord in order to bring others to Him.
* On my way to the shower, I heard a roommate crying and was tempted to go on about my business but remembered that to comfort the sorrowful is a work of mercy.
* That roommate left the apartment soon after, only to return a minute later carrying my Rosary, soaking wet, which she'd found outside.  I was glad then that I had chosen to act out of Christian love rather than ignore her.
* The campus safety vehicles began circling the college with their sirens blaring to inform us of a tornado warning; I contacted the boys to let them know we'd be staying home.
* As the rain worsened, I checked the weather report and it said we were now under not only a tornado but also a flash flood warning.
* My friend called to say that part of her window had blown in and her room was flooding.  Apparently students in some dorms are gathering in the basement.
* I texted my mom about the weather...and she called me back to wished me a happy birthday.  :]

Now it seems to have blown over - the sky is clearer and the rain has lessened.  If this minor storm can trigger such confusion and fear in us, what must the apostles have felt when out at sea?

They woke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?"  He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!"  The wind ceased and there was great calm.  Then He asked them, "Why are you terrified?  Do you not yet have faith?"  They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?" [Mark 4:38-41]

Upon the arrival of my 22nd year

For a year of spiritual growth and increasing virtue,

For a greater understanding of the love beyond measure of a Father for His child,

For good friendship and fellowship with like-minded souls,

For grace and strength to survive the hardships and joy to smile in the darkest hours,

For a spirit of hope that cannot be destroyed, even in the face of evil,

For the conclusion of an epoch and the opening of a new and promising chapter,

We give Thee thanks, O Almighty God, for these Thy benefits, Who lives and reigns, world without end. Amen.