Lord of the day

One of my favorite songs is Lord of All Hopefulness.  I find myself singing it quite often, and by now I've memorized all the verses, although I still have trouble keeping all the adjectives straight. :)

What I love most about this song is that it reminds me how God is present - and needed - in every moment of the day.  We should call on Him for everything and recognize that He will help us to grow in virtues particular to each task we face.  Similarly, every part of the day is blessed, whether we are waking, working, returning home, or sleeping.  We have only to surrender our entire lives to the care and protection of our Lord.  How great is His love for us!

Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy,
whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy,
be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,
your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day.

Lord of all eagerness, Lord of all faith,
whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe,
be there at our labours, and give us, we pray.
your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.

Lord of all kindliness, Lord of all grace,
your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace,
be there at our homing, and give us, we pray,
your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.

Lord of all gentleness, Lord of all calm,
whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm,
be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray.
your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.

Not alone

I have a confession to make.

I struggle with scrupulosity.

At first I thought my obsessions, hangups, fears, and anxieties were normal.  I soon realized, though, that I was different from most other people, including most good Catholics, and there was no way I could explain my scruples to them.  Not even to my parents, who I love and trust to a fault.  No one would understand my seemingly meaningless and unfounded worries.  My fear of confession grew ever stronger, but I would still make myself go every so often.  Sometimes I thought it might be easier if I confessed every week, but this would have been too much for me.

Thank God for a few amazing confessors I have had over the past several years.  My scrupulosity has become more manageable, though to the outsider my habits and thinking patterns would probably still appear very odd.  I found this last night, and it has made all the difference.  My mouth dropped open as I read through it -- it was as though the author was inside my head and describing my own life!  For the first time, I know that I am not alone.  While I don't think I'll take any action in the immediate future, I am aware that pastoral counseling is an option if my struggles worsen.

I am grateful to Leila at Little Catholic Bubble for her post on this topic, where I found the link to the Ten Commandments for the scrupulous.

St. Alphonsus Liguori, pray for us!

Sweet friendship

Every day seems to be one step closer to graduating and leaving behind this place that has been my home for the past four years.  I'm not sentimental about the school itself, since I remember all too well the troubles I've faced here, but thinking about some of the people that I'll be saying goodbye to is very hard.  And most of my closest friends are those I met through CCM.

There really is no way to explain all the ways in which Catholic Campus Ministry has helped me to grow, both in my spiritual life and in leadership and planning skills.  It's been an invaluable experience, and I don't doubt that having CCM on my resume helped my chances for being accepted to FOCUS.

I will truly miss several friends in particular, but overall I think I'll also miss spiritual reading discussions, late night cookie baking and Rosary making, hiking trips, and morning Masses with the gang.  It was so special to share holy hours in the Adoration chapel with good friends -- not many of us here, it seems, share this love for Christ.

Our annual end-of-the-year picnic was today.  Traditionally, this is also a sendoff for the senior members of CCM.  This year, seniors were surprised with posters covered in messages from the underclassmen.  I love homemade, personalized gifts the best, so this was very special to me.  I'll be hanging it in my new room at....whatever college FOCUS sends me to.

Don't misunderstand, I'm thrilled every time I remember that I am one of the blessed, privileged few who have been accepted to do God's work with this wonderful missionary program.  I cannot imagine how amazing and grace-filled the next two years will be.  But looking back over my time here at school, it has been similarly blessed.  Only my God could have placed me in such perfect circumstances to refine me and prepare me for my future work.  Only my God could have given me such trials and brought me through with a smile.  Only my God could have given me these wonderful friends.

Beyond blessed

I have never been so grateful for the gift of my sister as I am today.  After attending Mass this morning, although feeling a little better than last night, I still felt a strong sense of desperation and disappointment.  I called her hoping for nothing more than confirmation that I am a good person despite my failings.  But she gave me so much more.

We talked for a full hour, or rather she talked for most of it and I listened, content for once to sit back and absorb the wisdom of one who has experienced the same pain.  We are strikingly similar, though not on a superficial level.  From our outward appearance, we are clearly sisters, yet our personalities could not be more different.  A chemist and a missionary, a realist and an optimist.  One dreams of raising a family embedded in the traditions of the Church, the other of joining a religious community and quietly resting in the Lord's presence.  Yes, in those ways we are quite different.

But when we look deeper into ourselves, at our strongest inclinations and our desire to be loved by the Father and to share this love with the world, we are the same.  Of all my peers, only she can understand me and can relate to my struggles.  Only she has been through the same difficulties and emerged stronger and more convicted in her Faith and her values.

Two minds, one soul, forever best friends.  My Jesus, I cannot thank You enough for this gift.

Sin breeds suffering

Tonight I am heartbroken and seeking only Him.  I want so dearly to understand the reason for this hurt, but the words I hear Him saying are "No, My dearest one.  Trust Me.  Look to Me and no one else for comfort.  I alone will provide all that you need."

I want to cry in sorrow for the consequences of my own sinfulness but no tears will come.  This is selfishness, wanting the situation to immediately be set aright merely because I have said my apologies.  Healing takes time, especially when hurt runs deep.

My pride, my selfishness, my pain.

His love, His mercy, His forgiveness.

No one else will do

Jesus, I trust in You!

Another ending

This is the last week of classes of my undergraduate career.  The majority of my life until this point has been focused on education and schooling.  The first years were spent at home with my mom as my teacher.  Those were blissful times, to be sure, although I did not fully appreciate them until much later.

High school was a formation of mind and spirit.  If presented again with the opportunity to attend Mount de Sales or another school, I would choose the Mount every time.  The influence of the Dominican sisters there cannot be overstated, and those four years hold memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

College has been quite the experience and unlike anything I expected.  Growth, although sometimes a painful process, is necessary for our development as servants of God.  It is not enough for us to remain naive as in childhood, as we cannot minister to struggling souls if we have no concept of life outside of our own sheltered homes.  Still, I sometimes repine for my lost innocence, not necessarily resulting from my own actions but rather from my exposure to the evils of our world.

There are times, I admit, when I reflect on my years at this institution and feel that I have not grown in knowledge or wisdom but have only cultivated a jaded outlook on life and on our culture in particular.  I sometimes have little hope for humanity to redeem itself -- we are already so fraught with hatred and disrespect for life and virtue that it seems impossible for us to pick ourselves up and be renewed.

And yet, at other times, I seem to recognize God's purpose in all of this.  His ways are higher than mine, are they not?  His plan is perfect, unlike my own.  He knows all the desires of my heart and wishes to fill them with Himself.  I have been exposed to the darkness that I may grow in the light and then reflect His light onto others, that they too may shine.

O Lord, fill me with Your love.  You know how deeply I desire to know You and serve You.  Reign in me once again, my Jesus.